To love or to be loved

As I sit here in the coffee shop waiting for my best friend Natalia to show up I fond myself staring into space thinking to myself about all the past incidents and how it is I ended up here! I've known Natalia since 7th grade she has been my strength through it all I just wish she knew how to keep time I thought to myself! I mean like really every time we schedule a chill session she is late and today I am most definitely one hundred percent anxious! My name is Laaiqah and I'm 30years old I live on my own currently despite having 4 kids, my current situation sucks and I am struggling to find a middle ground! Earth to Laaiqah, hello where are you lost? as I return to reality finally she has arrived and hopefully my crisis can find a solution! Sorry but I've been waiting so long for you that I got completely lost in my own head! I am so confused right now girl I don't know what to do or how to go about solving this I'm an emotional mess! Girl I need your advise like urgently, I can't do this anymore it's been years since I last felt like cutting but in recent days I've struggled to keep it under control! Natalia's face turned in shock as she thought carefully what to say and that's the last thing i need right now.... Okay first tell me what's going on then we can come to a solution you know hurting yourself doesn't solve anything and who better to tell you this than me I mean we went through that faze together and we stopped together so let's figure this out together no more talking or thinking about doing stupid things! Well as you know myself and Chris broke up but things weren't going well and the thing I haven't told you is that I got into a kinda friend's with benefits situation with.... Fuck Laaiqah seriously with who??? Well with... Kenny, "I said this so soft that if she wasn't sitting right next to me and paying attention she would have missed it". Are you f*****g serious right now, you decided to take the man w***e who slept with your Ex-sisters daughter and then cheated on her with her aunty that Kenny? I looked away and mumbled an incoherent yes, but the response I got was silence to I turned to look at my friend who has never judged or ill-advised me to see hear staring at me in shock with her mouth wide open! I watched her closely as she recovered and then looked at in the eye trying to figure out if I was messing with her but I couldn't take it any longer, Natalia please say something I can't deal with your silence I'm already struggling and alone here as it is! I didn't expect the words that came next or wait actually I did but still it was better than the silence "what the f**k is wrong with you", she shouted so loud that people stopped to look at us! it was a mistake but he was just there in the right place at the right time and now I'm so confused that i don't know what the hell I should do! I need your help, I think I'm in love with him and I honestly don't know what to do or even how to go about fixing this mess! You know I love you so let's figure this out together and tell me the whole story from the beginning meaning last year December before you left Chris till now because I'm confused as hell right now and need to know where this started till this very moment I mean you know Kenny still loves you qnd has your back no matter what so you need to tell me everything do not leave out a single detail....