BEYOND OUR LIES

{TRIGGER WARNING-SELF HARM} I can't do this right now. I politely excuse myself from the conversation and rushed out of the room and run to my bathroom. The disgruntled stares from the guests simply turned into blurry faces as everything began to rush to me. somehow, I actually made it to my bathroom. Locking it, I slid down the door and broke down. My salty tears could be tasted as I covered my mouth to block out any noises I made. We can't have the guests see how f****d up my parent's daughter is now I moved from my position and started digging through my drawers. where is it? why the f**k can't I find it?  I sink back onto the floor and grip my pin straight hair, pulling it so harshly some dark brown locks can be seen across my palms. My pain become more than emotional as I pull my hair and dig my nude acrylic nail into the skin of my thigh But it isn't enough. Suddenly I remember where I put it. I look under the sink and pull out a seemingly innocent box. Opening it, I sighed gratefully and pulled it out. Just staring at the shiny silver blade makes all sounds of the party disappear. Every click of the glass. Every heels clicking across the floor, every conversation, just turn into a piercing ring. The deafening ring makes the blade substantially more appealing. This can distract me. Just for a little while. Just one more time. After this, I won't use it again. I deserve this break after so long. I deserve this feeling. Any feeling A devilish smile crept up on my plump lips as I pressed the blade into the pad of my thumb, just to remind myself of how sharp it is The pain is barely felt as everything is still a blur, everything is still numb. I need this pain- the physical pain. I grabbed the blade and slid my sleeve up. I guided the point of my short livid escape to the inside of my wrist. I pressed the blade into my skin, just to remind me how sharp it is Everything's started to slow down. The ringing followed with my inner demons, cheering me on are still there, but they're quieting down. Almost as if I'm the star of the movie they're devoted to, needing to keep their sounds faint or else they can't watch what will occur next I lifted it and stare at my wrist. Some of my fade scars can still be seen. I haven't cut for a while as I was trying to keep clean but I can't think of a more perfect time to get an escape. I move the blade back onto my wrist and p- Banging on the door causes me to drop the bale on the floor, it's clicking disrupting the deafening sounds in my head. "what was that all about, Solar?Pushing our guests? Not being welcoming?". Her voice boomed through the bathroom despite the door being locked shut. I could hear the aggravation in her voice as it kept raising with each question. who the f**k said I pushed them? How much of an attention seeker do you have to be to say the host's 17 year old daughter pushed you? Sliding my sleeves back down, I then quickly put the blade back into it's box and looked in the mirror. I wiped the remaining tears off my cheeks and under my eyes. My frizzled hair is desperately needing to be fixed so I grabbed my brush and returned to it's previous state. All the while I'm trying to make it seem like my demons weren't going to get front row seat to my feud against myself, my mother's aggravated voice could still be heard I sighed and stared at my reflection. What was once the happiest girl in the world-brightness in her eyes and the biggest grin on her face- is now a girl who just simply feels empty. The brightness became dull. The big grin became a hoax of a smile. The positive memories are all blocked by the darkness "Are you not going to answer me just like you haven't been answering the guests? I don't know what's going on with you. You never act like thi-" I opened the door and threw it open, knowing if I would have heard anymore, the tears would start running freely again. This time surprisingly not just because of my inner conflict Her face was red from frustration as she stood with her arms crossed securely across her chest. She opened her mouth, most likely to scold me for swinging the door open.Or maybe for not answering her quickly. Or maybe for not being welcoming to the guests. Or maybe just not being f*****g perfect enough for her. Shaking my head from those negative thoughts, I apologetically smiled at her. "I'm sorry Mother. I wasn't feeling well and didn't think I'd be able to make it to the bathroom if I stopped and talked to your guests" she stared at me quizzically, trying to see if I was lying. She used to be able to spot a lie the instant it came out of my mouth. A few seconds after she analyzed me she nodded and sighed, pushing me towards the hallway with her palm on my back. practice makes perfect I guess. "Fine, just don't do that again. Do you know how hard it was to explain why my daughter so rudely ran off. It made me seem as if I'm not a good mother". she seemed almost hesitant as she said the last part, as if I was going to tell her that the statement was false. It was. It really f*****g was I mean she doesn't even give a s**t that I just said I felt sick. But I keep quiet so I don't cause any more problems than I already have "Again, I'm so sorry mother. I'll speak to everyone I ran off from and apologize". I said with sincerity in my expression. "you know how much I hate being disrespectful". I sarcastically muttered as we walked back into the room where the gathering was most live at. What was once an empty and vacant living room, is now filled with an abundant amount of business men and women. Live chatter and laughter can be heard from all corner of the room. All of them are here for one reason. MONEY. That's what they're always after. The laughter is artificial, the conversations are superficial s**t, all the oh-so classy business people here are shallow as s**t. My parents are exactly like them. No wonder they throw the best parties. I sighed as I could still feel my mother standing behind me, waiting for me to greet some guests. So that's exactly what I did for much too longer than I wished _____________________ I ran up to the bedroom and quietly shut the door. I plopped face first on my bed and groaned loudly. What an utter waste of f*****g time. They didn't give a s**t about what I had to say, unless it was exactly what they wanted to hear. Luckily for them, that's what I did. That's what I always do. Tell people what they want to hear, no matter how much my opinion goes against it. I guess that's one of my biggest flaws, if you could even call it a flaw. I simply call it "people pleasing" I peeked my head up from my comfy dark grey blanket and tried to find my phone. Once I did, I grabbed  it and looked at my home screen {9:56pm} No Notification hm, that's kinda weird, I figure Cassie and Roxi would have texted why they bailed on me today. They said they'd come. Only after I continuously begged that I didn't want to handle this fake bullshit on my own all day, but they still agreed. I scroll down my contacts list to find Cassie's name and pressed call. I put it on speaker so I could change and get comfy. "hey girlie!" "uhm hey?" "what's up I haven't seen you in like forever it feels like". My sweats were halfway on when I stopped all movement. Did she really forgot the promise she made to come help today? I sighed quite loudly and continued my routine "nothing much I was just calling to see what you've been up to" "oh, me and Roxi went to go get dressed for the party this weekend". She said so cheerfully, I could picture. She would be twirling her hair like she always does when talking. Her plump red-covered lips created a smile as she discusses parties and dresses. " you and Roxi hung out?. I tried to hide the disappointment lace in my voice "yeah," She paused. "I mean we would have totally invited you if we did something else but I know how much you hate shopping" I actually love shopping. It was one of the things I truly liked watching and doing. Seeing other people with completely different lifestyles and struggles, all coming together for items to express themselves. However, telling my friends I hated shopping was just easier. Some weekends, I can't even be motivated to eat or shower or do absolutely anything. Laying on my bed, nap after nap seems like the only thing I can o. It's much simpler going along with one huge lie, even if it means being unable to spend quality time with my friends or just do what I love rather than multiple white lies I can't keep up with "yeah, no I get it". Should I say something about today? Did they really forget or did they just have something better to do hang-out with each other and shop. I didn't ask. I don't know why. I guess confrontation just scares the s**t out of me. Light conversation continued, with laughing at the dumb s**t Cassie said, making me forget about the intrusive thoughts. Even if it was just for a little while I yawned."okay, I need to sleep before I pass out in first period tomorrow" she snorted,"yeah cause you'd totally fall asleep in class. Miss goody two shoes". "ouch, b***h. I can totally be a badass." I dramatically gasped We both laughed and she said " I'll believed it when I see it. Anyways goodnight girlie. Love ya." "love yah too, Cas" I smiled and turned off my phone. Setting it on my dresser I rolled on to my back. I sighed and shut my eyes, hoping my dreams give me a happy escape.