Breaking Free - from a religious cult, s*x and bullying

Alice POV I am sitting on my bed, replaying todays fight with my mum. We often disagree and fight, but today was different. I have been sneaking around and am about to go on my first date with a boy, Danny. She thinks I am only dating him, and wants to prevent me from giving him my virginity. Little does she know, that I have been robbed of mine. R*ped by the age of 9 by a friend of the family. A nightmare that still haunts me at some nights. The day after that fatal night, my mum had found my bloodied underwear and accused me of pleasuring myself and gave me one of her famous *ss beatings... I didn't even know what s*x or pleasure was. Today she told me that I am not allowed to date. I think she thinks I already went on a date with him. I don't care to enlighten her though. I just let her get her steam off by quietly sitting on the floor. My pants down my ancles, *ss up in the air while she pulled the leather belt off her skirt. I knew the sound of her belt swinging through the air before hitting my *ss. I am used to it. I zoom out, barely recognising the stinging each whooping leaves on my n*ked skin. Once her tone of voice becomes more calm I know she is done. I silently counted 30 strikes in my head. Then she is done. She left telling me she hopes I will remember that dating is not allowed. Right now I am cuddled up in bed, leaning against the headboard crying. I have been sold out by my sister, who happens to be my only friend. I told her in secret that I was going on a date with Danny. I just wanted to see what all the fuss was about having s*x for pleasure, since most of my neighbours my age had at least been through some boyfriends. I am just a 17 year old, dreaming of falling in love. It is harder for me. My parents are in a religious cult with serious regulations. I am not allowed to kiss or have s*x with a guy before marriage. Neither am I allowed to drink alcohol, dance, do dr*gs, eat meat, wear seductive clothing and the list goes on. And every week I have to attend church. When they baptised me I was fantasising about going partying and kissing guys. Needless to say, I don't feel like I belong in their world. And I would do anything to prevent them from finding out about my double life. Cause I finally feel like I am having fun. Now I just need to find my dream guy. I can't say that I am falling for Danny. He is sweet, has a good looking face and a contagious laughter. But I don't feel those butterflies. Not for him at least. I only get them when sneaking around scared of getting caught with doing stuff that their religion prohibits me from. It is so exciting. Yesterday he asked me out and he is going to drive me to a picnic tomorrow. He is such a romantic and I want to enjoy myself. I am mentally going through my wardrobe and realise, I have nothing to wear. Well at least nothing to attract a guys attention. All my clothes are loose fitting and they all cover up my body. Real boring and old fashioned, since my mum shops all our clothes in second hand shops. Well I just have to hope he doesn't mind.