Bluer than Blue

  I plainly look at her with my glasses on because before she interrupted me I'm trying to enjoy reading my newly bought book. Of course, I bought it online. She's nervous.... I can tell how nervous she is right now, her ears are bright red and she is breathing heavily. Akala mo tumakbo ng marathon. She's a mess right now literally, her hoodie is a mess, her hair, and her mind. It looks like she's fighting with herself. Kumunot ang noo ko ng marealize ko na dapat may klase ito ngayon. Did she skip her classes again? Umiiling ko siyang tiningnan ulit after realizing na nag skip siya ng classes nanaman and now she looked more nervous than ever. Sanay na ako she was always like that when I'm around.. well I guess I'm really uncomfortable to be with. It's not that I'm hurt. Pero, I'm bothered and I don't know why? She cleared her throat many times, inuubo ba to? Ah! No, she has something to say. For two months na kasama ko siya I've already memorized a few of her habits. What is it this time? Ever since she started to live with me a lot of things changed. Last time nagreklamo siya na parang wala siyang kasama dito sa condo kasi lagi akong nasa kwarto. In the end, she asked me to go out of my room from time to time. Pag hindi ako lalabas mag iingay siya sa harap ng pinto ng kwarto ko at kakantahan ako ng nursery rhymes. She's something. Tapos gusto daw niya ng kasabay kumain. Okay, I know tamad ako kumain but now I am trying. I'm really not good at eating pero siya para siyang barbero kung kumain. Nasabi ko na ba sa kanya na she already asked for a lot of things? Maybe I should remind her that there's a line between us. Hindi dapat siya lumampas dun. And I'm growing impatient here... I was about to ask her what's going on. I want to read peacefully.. malalaman ko na kung sino ang inaa- "Blue, I like you." She blurted out, sounding very sure and firm. A while ago she looked pale and now she's blushing. I blinked many times and looked at her intently. I'm waiting na sabihin niya na it's just a joke and one of her pranks. Does she even know what she is saying? Before I could react to her.. "And I don't have plans to ignore it, like what you suggested me to do. I don't care whether you like the idea or not." Her mouth knows nothing but honesty and it irritates me. She doesn't play with words. Sasabihin niya pag gusto niya sabihin. I hate her honesty it makes me wanna trust her.. when I don't even trust myself. " It's not like I'm asking you to like me back.. . I won't push you to your limits but let me show you how much I adore you in my own ways. Let me love you cause you deserve it." And now you're being too straightforward! I thought you like logical things? I shooked my head in disbelief. I should end this conversation and escape, this talk would not end great. That's why I lazily stood up and questionably look at her. Asking her to stop this nonsense.. it's making me uncomfortable. " And I'm not asking for your permission anyway. I'm just here to inform you. Para hindi ka mabigla sa mga mangyayari." She flashed a genuine smile. "Blue, I don't know a lot of things about you and pinag iisipan ko na to ng ilang beses. I don't need the whole story to understand and like you. I will learn things about you along the way." Her eyes are saying something that I want to deny to myself. It's not pity Ivan just like what you think all the time she looks at you. "Just let me, kung masaktan man, ako it's all my fault. You warned me many times so in the end don't blame yourself." She is genuinely smiling at me like a warm ray of sunlight in the morning that would always welcome me. Not minding the happenings of yesterday that still haunts me. I heard she is one of the most outstanding students in their program, a lot of people adore her because she is calm and collected. She's also responsible. So why? Why are you here? Saying those words? I was about to leave and lock myself inside my room. To have a distance away from her although I doubt it will help me. I wanted to escape from what she is trying to put up...... I don't want it. That's the last thing I wanted right...- I was busy with my thoughts when I felt her lips into mine. It's a soft delicate kiss. Genuine and careful like I am a fragile thing to her. It's not moving she is taking her time as if memorizing every part of me. And now I am panicking inside my head. M-my walls are falling apart I can hear it. At first, I was numb but later on, memories came rushing in. Not giving me time to breathe. I'm dizzy and everything is starting to blurry. I can feel that I'm trembling, my demons are waking up putting salt in my wounds. Her warm presence was not enough to calm me. It is not enough to bring peace to my soul. I pushed her with the little amount of strength left in me and walk away from her. My senses are now alive and active in a bad way. This is bad. This isn't right.