Living Two Lies

Have you ever had to choose between two people? You chose, but one won’t leave? I mean, no matter what you did, they just wouldn’t leave? My life has always been an emotional roller coaster. I don’t think I have ever gotten the chance to actually live a quiet life. That would be boring, though, wouldn’t it? Ever since the ninth grade, three years ago, I was dating who I thought I was going to be with for the long run. He had issues, but who doesn’t? At the beginning it’s always great. I mean, CJ did everything for me. He would always buy me flowers on random occasions, took me to homecoming, and he just seemed great. Something was always missing. As much as I tried to force myself to love him the way he loved me, I just couldn’t do it. CJ started to set into his ways not too long into the relationship. I was always afraid of change, so I wouldn’t leave. Mistake on my part, that’s for sure. Manipulators/narcissists know they’re in the wrong, but will still always flip it to make sure you’re the one in the wrong. They’re perfect, after all. CJ would always hit himself and leaves marks/bruises to make sure people knew that I had upset him. I’ve even had my mother ask me if I was hurting him before. I told her no, and then she started to see it for herself. My younger siblings would witness it, too. Shortly into eleventh grade, my junior year, I met someone through a mutual friend. He made me extremely happy, butterflies in my stomach, nervous. Overtime I found myself falling for this guy! Here I am in the middle of eleventh grade, falling for him. I mean hard! “Lydia!” My mom called for me shaking me into back into reality from my thoughts. “I’m coming!” I walk downstairs to find my mom sitting alone in the kitchen at the dinning table. The smell of her apple pie candles and cleaners were flooding the kitchen, I knew she was cleaning. “What sounds good for dinner?” My mom asked. “Every time you ask I always say the same thing.” “Spaghetti,” we said at the same time. “If you get started on it for me, I’ll finish it. I have to run to the bus stop to grab your brothers. I’ll be right back.” The bus stop is an easy mile away from our house, which sits in the middle of an apple orchard. It’s a long walk, I walk it everyday. It takes about 20 minutes to get to my house from the bus stop. I open the refrigerator grab the package of hamburger. I put a pan on the stove, and put it on medium heat. As I’m unwrapping the hamburger and putting it onto the pan, I start thinking about Eli. The guy I told you about, the one I found myself falling for. I catch myself smiling as I put the water on to boil for the noodles. I suddenly remember that CJ will be at my house later once he gets off work. I lose my smile almost instantly. CJ graduated last year, he’s a year older than me but his parents started him in school early. CJ is textbook romance, and textbook narcissist. I don’t know why I couldn’t summon the courage to just leave him. We’re throwing a small party in my club house in the apple orchard on Saturday. We invited all of our close friends, and I invited Eli. We considered him a friend. CJ had met him in passing a few times when our friend Josh would bring him. I was excited for the party, I couldn’t wait to see Eli. As I drain the hamburger, my two little brothers burst through the door excited to be home. “Lydia! Guess what we did at school today?” Exclaimed Parker. He’s older than Issac by three years. “What did you do today, bud?” “My teacher took us outside to catch butterflies. Are you making spaghetti? I’m hungry,” said Parker. “You know I’m making spaghetti,” I said with a wink. “I’m tired of spaghetti, I want meatloaf!” Said Issac. “We had meatloaf yesterday,” I said laughing knowing that was his favorite meal like ever. We finished making dinner. My mom called for my other two siblings to come and eat, too. My sister Abigail is a year younger than me, and my brother Evan was three years younger than me. We wrapped up dinner, and I heard CJ’s moped ripping in the drive way. I groaned. My siblings love him, but I don’t. At least, not anymore. He walked inside Parker and Issac swarmed him with hugs happy to see him. CJ lives with us because his father is an alcoholic and is in and out of jail. It never came across his mind to live with his mother. Unfortunately. “Hey babe,” he said. I responded with, “Hey,” with the bleakest smile ever. My mom kind of looked at me funny, so I shot her a quick glance. We helped her clean up dinner, and I headed upstairs to shower. I have school in the morning, it made me excited. I get to see Eli! I showered and took forever so I could avoid talking to CJ for as long as I could. I brushed my teeth, went to my bedroom, turned off the lights rolled over and fell fast asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night to CJ pacing my floor and talking to himself. He noticed I was awake. “What do I do to you, to make you not love me? I’m sorry I’m just a shitty person, Lydia! What more do you want from me?” This came out of no where, I was groggy from being half asleep. I was definitely confused. “Lydia, you always look at me funny. You’re never happy to see me, why do you hate me so much?” “I don’t hate you, I have school in the morning can I please go back to sleep? We can talk about this tomorrow.” “No, I want to talk about this now. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU!” He screamed. “Be quiet before you wake up my whole house, CJ!” He balled his fist up and started to punch himself. I sat there and took a deep breath. I’m over this, this is all the time. It’ll never end. “CJ, just stop and go back to sleep.” I’m tired of stopping him and getting physically hurt while trying. I grabbed a pillow and blanket went downstairs on the couch, and fell asleep.