Bitter Oranges

Part One 1 The darkness is not pitch-black—more like a grey curtain. I can see their ghosts—the women who started gathering up my bones from between the cracks in the ground with chapped, chubby fingers—the same fingers with which they gather up olives, picking them out from between the thorns and pebbles. I heard my bones breaking into pieces over the dry, crumbling dirt as my grandmother screamed in terror, “The little girl is dead. She’s dead!” And then, of course, came music. That music I don’t know how to describe. I hum it in my most desperate moments, aware of how it will always keep me company from behind the wall I lean on, but don’t see—will never see. Because, most likely, it is music I don’t really hear but only imagine floating around me—surrounding me like a halo—aiming its sad tunes at my back which shudders and heaves against my chest in fear of it, waking me from my nightmare. I wake up but don’t open my eyes, preferring to contemplate the inky blackness of my closed eyelids. I like imagining the darkness is still there, and I haven’t opened my eyes at all. Perhaps what happened next is merely a nightmare unfolding in the darkness of a young girl’s grave on whose headstone is etched 1970–1975? The story could have ended early—without regret—and I allowed to die, light and innocent. If only the ground hadn’t been saturated with the rains of the day before, and the one heading towards me had been Aisha, as I had thought, and not my grandmother. Things might’ve been different had she not come outside to snatch me from the jaws of death as she brushed off the mud with her skirt, letting the air enter through my nose. Had our neighbor not sought the only medical student in the quarter to treat me and stitch up the tear in my neck, the smell of anesthesia on his fingers, the lingering scent of his cologne would not have settled between the stitches, where they remain to this day. Few know there is a scar on my neck. I must lift my head and cup my hair up for it to show clearly. When I leave the house, I make sure to conceal it, not only out of embarrassment, but from the weariness of having to recall its provenance. Only the women in the quarter and some relatives know about it. That is due to my careful habit of keeping my hair beneath the embroidered scarf I wear around the house. It’s not only for the sake of cleanliness, but also out of an aversion to seeing hair flowing loosely while inside the house—especially in the kitchen. It’s also for my dislike at the tingling sensation of hair on my face and neck. Because of it, I’m always tilting my head and tucking my hair under the scarf. That’s when people might see my scar, which looks like the distant trail left in the sand by a snake. “What’s it from? A fall? A sickle?” I am often asked. I used to go on at length. Then the details became too painful, and a reminder of what I didn’t say hurt me more—hiding my yearning for the one who had stitched the scar and touched something much deeper than a surface wound. Later, I explained it away with casual brevity—a childish insouciance—as if the story was really very simple, “I was holding a bird at the edge of the balcony. The bird flew off, so I went after it, and I fell. That’s all there is to it.” In a way, that is exactly what happened. When I was so little, the angels took pity on me and planted two wings on my back. I was holding the bird in one hand and, with the other, I was trying to tie its leg to a string. Sensing Aisha’s footsteps approaching, I clung to the edge of the crumbling balcony. “She’s going to take him away from me!” I cried. “She’s going to strangle him!” I tried to tie him quickly, but the footsteps came ever closer. As the tiny bird trembled in my hands, my own heart fluttered. Heaven knows which of us was more frightened, weaker, or had a greater desire to flee. Aisha is following me. She’s going to strangle him just as she has done to all my birds—the ones my father brings home alive, and which I find dead the next morning. He squawked and shook his feathers in my face. It hurt, so I let him go. For a moment, I resisted the urge to go after him. The string was still in my hand, but then I wasn’t on the edge of the balcony anymore. As if a bird myself, I began to hover in the air. For how long I couldn’t say because I was preoccupied with searching for my bird. As I floated in the air, the scent of the distant sea wafted by. It was mixed with smells from the muddy brook, some chicken manure, and cinnamon emanating from a nearby kitchen. The air blew into my linen dress, filling it up like a balloon. Then its heaviness filled my chest, nose and mouth, and I had somehow forgotten to breathe. When I hit the ground, I searched the sky for my little bird, but he’d seen his chance of escape and taken it. Soon, the sky and clouds became obscured by the face of my grandmother who was peering over the metal railing of the balcony. She called down to me, her face full of horror. My name flashed and disappeared—two consonants, a number equivalent to zero in the world of names—as if I am nameless, and it wouldn’t make any difference if I died. “The little girl is dead…dead!” she cried. I had no conception of death, only of the ghouls and wolves that died in grandmother’s stories. Later on, she would not tell the stories about my miscarried uncles—and that’s why I wasn’t afraid as I fell, and my grandmother wailed. Even after the rusty balcony railing was taken down and a more secure one was built, when she had become acquainted with the term “veranda” instead of “tercina”—an old type of balcony—I remained standing in the same spot, trying to measure the distance and time of the fall. I toss a bitter orange or a marble and count the time it takes to reach the ground. It is very short—just a few seconds. But I drag out the counting because the moment of my fall lasted a long time. During that time, songs played in my eardrums that were packed with tears, strange odors wafted by, and I glimpsed many faces—interspersed between them the faces of my grandmother and of the young medical student who treated me. “What’s your name?” he asked. I remained mute—caught in the shock of the moment. “How old are you?” he continued. “I…” “Okay. How many do you see?” He moved something towards my eyes—his fingers perhaps—but I couldn’t make it out. My senses were out of sync. Only the strongest one still worked—my sense of smell. I didn’t answer his questions. Nothing stayed with me but my bird. I tried to scream but was unable. The urge to cry came, but I couldn’t feel my eyes. Perhaps I was still falling—in that space between the balcony and the brook, and I was now on my way to the valley and the brook that had dug out its belly. Maybe the soil wouldn’t be soft this time, and the rain will have abandoned it a distant winter ago. *** Beads of sweat trickle behind my left ear and form a pool along the rippled scar line. A painful midday? In vain, I try to sleep. Time in this city is longer than in my village. I am supposed to get some sleep. That was what Suha the manicurist advised so my skin could rest up for the party. I didn’t tell her it wasn’t a party. I was afraid of being exposed if I said anything. Ridicule of my accent taught me to be silent, not calm, the proof being that Suha kept telling me to relax between one minute and the next. I was embarrassed to tell her that it was the first time I ever had my nails manicured at a beauty salon, where I had allowed a man to massage my feet, file the dead skin off them and pass his fingers between my toes! “Please relax…relax,” she pleaded, while I was left wondering how I could possibly loosen up. I could apologize for the appearance of my fingers that were not accustomed to being pampered or taken care of. I could tell her that since childhood I have been overworking them in the kitchen and in the fields. But I was also ashamed to make excuses. Then I thought about apologizing for being ashamed…it was a never-ending cycle, and it gave me the usual midday headache. I walk around the kitchen, allowing such thoughts to disturb my equilibrium. I take a third sedative. The refrigerator is about to burst. I make room for the soaked chickpeas beside the chicken marinating in rosemary, garlic, and wild thyme. One cannot take a chance leaving anything out where the temperature is above 35 degrees Celsius. The vegetables, the meat and everything I prepared are all stuffed into the refrigerator. The banquet must be a success. If I overlook any detail, I’ll be ruined. I touch the scar. It’s still there. It didn’t get buried by the sand dunes of insomnia. I feel it has swelled up from the heat and excitement. It excites me that I moved to Beirut to be closer to you, and that you don’t know that I am here or what my plan is, and that I will meet you after long years of waiting for this encounter. Longing and fear tear at my heart, so my fatigue doubles and the scar throbs with twice the pain. I slip into the shower for the second time. The water from the roof flows hot yet no longer produces the desired effect. I turn the faucet off and sit there in the cracked tub. The last drops of water make their exit down the drain. They fall into the darkness the same way I fall whenever I go to sleep troubled. I let my hair dry, the evaporating water cooling my back. I finger the strands and ask myself how it will look tomorrow after I come back from the hairdresser. Heavy are the wet strands. Heavy with memories and fear. *** I was five. I wasn’t going to school because no one paid attention to my age. I didn’t have to comb my hair in the morning, but at a certain time during the day, she would call me and sit me down to comb my hair, her head towering over me. I buried that comb in the ground—the one she dipped in water before sinking it into my hair. I buried lots of combs, so she put me over those hard knees of hers that were like two slabs of granite, grabbed hold of the copious tangled strands and started cutting them right at the scalp. The cold metal of the scissors cut through my hair like a snow plough. “It’s not enough that you’re always feverish! Sickly child! You had to have thick, coarse hair to drive me crazy, too? Everything about you annoys me! But that’s it. Now you’ll see. I’ll be free of your nastiness for good. Show me where you’re going to bury the comb now!” My screaming brought the neighbors over—my uncle’s wife Nabiha at the front of the pack. Mouths agape, shock appeared on their faces. A little girl with a prisoner’s haircut and the face of a criminal, gasping for the nearest rescuer. Besides the scar on my neck, the scars on my head also showed—the ones from the mischief of my five years of childhood. And my eyebrows looked thicker. My aunt took me to the nearest barber, to rescue what she could. The women of the village didn’t have women’s hair salons at that time. The barber ridiculed us both, but he saved his curses for Aisha. He sat me down in front of a rusty mirror. I closed my eyes to shut out the frightening creature I’d become. But the spots of rust that studded my eyelid appeared through the cracks. When my sisters returned from school and saw me, they broke into uncontrollable giggles. My sister Zalfa brought me a scarf and wrapped it around my head to avoid seeing that repulsive sight. Inadvertently, she had also helped ease my own fear by protecting me from the harmful winter cold. Then the smell of fresh bird blood wafted past my nose, and I caught sight of their shivering feathers. My father was home for lunch.