I Fell As I Heal

Chapter 1

"I don't understand what's going on in her mind. Hindi naman yata posibleng depressed si Zorelle." dinig kong sabi ni mama.

"Ang depression at anxiety po ay madalas na itinatago ng mga pasyente kaya may mga pagkakataon po na hindi natin ito nakikita.” paliwanag ng kanyang kausap.

"I mean, what causes her depression and anxiety gayong maayos naman ang buhay niya? Naibibigay naman namin nang maayos ang mga pangunahing pangangailangan niya." bakas ang iritasyon sa boses ni mama.

Necessities? Yes you provided my necessities, you provided me financial support but never emotional and mental support.

"Baka po may problema siya na hindi niya lang nasasabi sa inyo." sabi ng kausap niya. "Don't worry, Ma'am. Ako na po ang bahalang kumausap sa kanya."

"Okay. Ang ayaw na ayaw ko talaga sa batang iyan ay ang pagiging impulsive niya. Hindi naman siya ang lalaitin ng mga tao kapag namatay siya." mama frustratedly said.

Right. They don't care about my life, about my f*****g condition. All they care is their image.

"Ma'am, hindi sa nanghihimasok po ako, ngunit sa tingin ko po ay maling sabihan ninyo ng ganyan ang anak ninyo. Maaaring iyan ang dahilan ng depression niya. If you have any problem with your daughter, you should approach her gently. In that way, she will not be afraid to tell you her problems or anything that is bothering her." the guy explain.

"Alright. Basta bahala ka na diyan." mama replied. She talks like I am just a kind of a dirty toy that she hired someone to clean it. "By the way, I heard that your dad wants to practice you to become the future CEO of your company?" mama asked.

"Yes, he's planning to practice me. I think it's not that challenging naman po. I'm actually practicing these days kasabay ng pagtatrabaho bilang psychologist and everything went well naman. Kahit wala akong degree na relevant po sa pagiging CEO, I still managed to run the company. Siguro po ay dahil iyon sa mga payo sa akin ni dad." the guy said.

I didn't heard anything after that because my depression and attacked me again. Mas lalong naging malinaw sa akin ang katotohanan na maging ang sarili kong mga magulang ay gusto akong mawala, ngunit hindi nila gustong magpakamatay ako dahil gagawa iyon ng ingay sa media. It's their f*****g image that they love the most.

Bakit pa kasi ako buhay ngayon? I made sure naman na natamaan ng blade iyong pulso ko. f**k, I want to die! The moment I saw blood flowing down my wrist earlier, I am expecting that I will whether wake up in hell or just become a dead body later.

I just want death. Bakit hindi iyon maibigay ng kalawakan sa akin? Should I ask that God (that I don't believe in) to kill me?

If that f*****g blade didn't worked, maybe I'll try to suffocate myself with a rope. Or maybe I can just get a knife and stab it directly at my heart.

Minutes later, mama is now done talking with a guy whom I think is some kind of doctor or psychologist. The moment I heard mama and the guy went out my room, I immediately opened my eyes. But to my surprise, the guy welcomed my gaze with an annoying smile.

“Hi, you must be Zorelle Brozas.” he offered his hand.

I met his eyes so I immediately avoided it by looking at the ceiling.

“Sorry, my hand feels numb at the moment.” I rudely said.

I don’t know why I now have the audacity to act rudely to a stranger. Maybe it is because of the numbness I am feeling in my heart right now.

“Oh, I see.” he took his hand back. “By the way, kilala mo ba ako?”

“What do you think?” tanong ko pabalik.

“Oh, I think you don’t.” my peripheral vision saw him smiled. “I am Logan Faulzer, your psychologist.”

“Did my parents called you directly, or someone just suggested that I need a psychologist and not a bible?” tanong ko.

“Don’t think like that.” aniya.

“I am not thinking something like ‘this’, I am spilling some facts.” I replied.

“Is that the cause of your mental illnesses?” bakit kailangan pa niyang sagutin? He’s a psychologist so he should have certain answers in his head right now.

I closed my eyes, I don’t want to answer him.

“Gusto mo bang gumaling? I am here to hear you, understand you, and help you to heal.” I can here sincerity in every word he says.

A tear rolled down my temple. I’m getting emotional knowing that there is someone who cares about me.

But what if he doesn’t actually cared? He’s a psychologist, he’s just doing his job to get paid.

“You can tell me everything, and I’ll listen.” he added.

“Yes you’ll listen, but you will judge afterwards.” I said.

“We, psychologist, don’t judge—“ I didn’t let him finish his sentence.

“Yes, you do.” I looked at him but I just met his eyes so looked back to the ceiling.

“My whole family want me to be the CEO of our company. My friends prefer to see me in the company, managing everything, than to help people with mental health issues. No one want me to study psychology, but myself.” he combed his hand through his hair. “Sabihin mo, bakit ko gugustuhing maging psychologist kung huhusgahan ko rin lang ang mga magiging pasyente ko?”

“To manipulate people? Well, if you want to defeat someone, you should know his or her weaknesses.” I answered without thinking that much.

Fuck, here’s my anxiety again.

“Sa tingin mo, ano’ng mga mahahalagang bagay ang makukuha ko sa pagmamanipula ng tao? Satisfaction? You think, I’ll spend four years for studying psychology just to get that satisfaction?” he said, but he didn’t sound offended. He speaks so calm and relaxed.

I wanted to trust, just for once. Gusto ko lang maranasan ang gingawang treatment para sa taong may mental illnesses. But my f*****g anxiety never let me to do so.

I cannot trust anyone. I am in fear. I am in doubts.

“Leave me alone for a moment.” I said.

“Not until you welcome me as your psychologist.” he replied.

“Leave, please. Give me a little time with myself first.” my voice broke.

“Okay, I will leave. Just promise me that you will not commit suicide again.” I nodded at him.

“Yes, I will not.” I promised.

He stood up, patted my shoulder and left me.

I cover myself as I sob. Bakit kasi hindi maibigay sa akin ang kamatayan na hinihiling ko? Binigyan pa ako ng psychologist.

Kahit pa magawa akong pagalingin ng psychologist, hindi naman iyon magtatagal dahil makakasama ko rin lang ang pamilya kong hindi maganda ang trato sa akin.

Pagod na ako. I’m so f*****g tired. Words and curses aren’t enough to describe it. I just wanted to escape. Hindi ko napagtagumpayang takasan ang buhay ko, kaya siguro panahon na para ako, kasama ang katawan ko, ay tumakas. I wanted to escape everything, especially my family.

I wiped my tears away as I breathe deeply. I earned my strength to remove the dextrose at the back of my hand.

Dali-dali akong tumayo at nagtungo malapit sa pintuan. Binuksan ko ang pinto at tumingin sa paligid kung may tao. Nang masigurado kong walang tao ay mabilis akong lumabas at tumakbo palabas ng ospital.

I ran as fast as I can dahil kasalukuyan akong hinahabol ng mga nurses. I don’t know where to go, basta na lang ako tumatakbo. Minsan din akong nagtatago kapag malapit na sila.

Tirik ang araw ngayon kaya madali akong nanghina. Nakarating ako sa isang eskinita kaya nagpahinga ako nang sandali.

I’m running for, I think, more than five minutes, and maybe, I’m already far from the hospital. Maybe it is not possible for my family and nurses to find me.

As if namang gusto nila akong hanapin.

Inipon ko ang aking lakas at nagpatuloy sa paglalakad. Sinabi ko sa sarili ko na malayo dapat ang marating ko.

I didn’t stopped walking kahit pagod na ako. Nakadaan na ako sa mga eskinita, tulay, highway, at iba pang mga daan sa gitna ng mga kakahuyan.

Nangangatog na ang aking mga tuhod nang makarating ako sa lugar na medyo maraming bahay ang makikita. I wanted to walk farther but my legs don’t want me to. I am also dehydrated dahil sa init ng araw.

I’m also having migraine right now and I can’t see my surroundings clearly anymore. I felt like I’m gonna faint in anytime right now.

Ramdam kong matutumba na ako kaya mahigpit akong humawak sa gate ng isang bahay. I think I gonna faint now.

My energy left my whole body as I fall down. But before I lost my consciousness, I saw someone catched me before my body touch the ground.