I Fell As I Heal

Voices here. Voices there. Voices everywhere. I don't know where to hide or run. In so much fear, all I can do is to hug myself. Dumako ang tingin ko sa isang blade na nakalapag sa sahig. It's very small and thin. It's shining in cleanliness. Kung hindi mo alam kung ano ang bagay na ito, malamang ay kukunin mo ito upang alamin ang tungkol dito. Ngunit kung may nalalaman ka, iiwasan mo ito upang hindi ka masaktan. This is my thought when I was a kid. My parents used to warn me about sharp things, so I grew up having a fear on them. But everything's different now. Gusto ko mang ibalik ang pananaw ko tungkol sa bagay na ito, ay hindi ko na magagawa. I'm hopeless. Walang ibang bumabalot sa isip ko kundi ang kaisipang kunin ang patalim at ibaon ito sa aking balat. My desires right now is to feel physical pain, 'cause damn, I'm tired to endure mental and emotional pain. I wanted to kill the pain inside me, but the problem is myself. If I didn't have this kind of mindset, I wouldn't have feeling any pain right now. Damn it, why I am so f*****g sensitive upon judgments?! Ever since I was a kid, my parents are always forcing me to study hard so I can have grades that would satisfy them. My mom is a doctor and my dad is a lawyer, they both graduated with a recognition of Magna c*m Laude in a prestigious university. Having an intelligent child is a must. But I'm tired. I was forced to study for the 13 years of my life. Hindi ko naranasang magkaroon ng kahit isang kaibigan, hindi ko naranasang makapaglaro ng kahit ano, at higit sa lahat, hindi ko kailanman naranasang mabuhay nang hindi iniisip ang sasabihin nila. It's not just my parents who caused me to have this mental and emotional issues, it's also my relatives and some people around me. In school, my classmates used to bully me for not having any friends, and for being the student that almost all of the teachers adore. Ako ang palaging nangunguna sa klase, from nursery until Grade 11 kaya hindi na nakakapagtaka na ako ang paborito ng mga teachers. On the second hand, my relatives. Tuwing may reunion o kahit anong celebration sa aming pamilya, syempre laging nandyan ang mga relatives. They judge everything in me. My intelligence, body shape, face, lifestyle, belief and etcetera, to many to mention. Why they judge my intelligence gayong ako naman ang nangunguna sa klase? It is because may mga pagkakataong nagkakaroon ako ng isa o dalawang wrong answers sa quizes, tests, or exams. They also compare me to other students in other schools, lalo na tuwing sumasali ako sa contest at hindi ko nakukuha ang 1st place. As for my body shape and face, they judge it because I'm too skinny and pale which are making me ugly and unattractive. Most of my relatives are actually doctors, but their f*****g blind mindset cannot accept the fact that I am anemic because they all force me to study all day long even in times that I am sick. They are saying that my lifestyle is very unhealthy that's why I am pale and skinny, they even concluded that I have a lover. f**k that. Belief. Why are they judging my beliefs? It is because I don't believe in their God. I am actually a student in a Catholic school since Grade 1, so definitely, I know the contents of the bible. So why I became an unbeliever? I have two reasons. First is because I think critical enough to be certain that the Christian bible is allowing s*****y, g******e, sexism and etcetera, but despises homosexuality. Second reason, I have religious trauma. I was sexually assaulted for multiple times by a teacher who is also a pastor, at the age of 10. I was once invited by a pastor's child to have s*x in a church's restroom at the age of 12. I told these to a nun whom I thought is trustworthy but she just advised me to forgive them or else, I'll go to hell. She even gave me a bible. That school is f*****g disgusting. Another person who caused me to lose myself? My first love. Sa mga oras na magkasama kami, pinaniwala niya akong siya ang pahinga ko. But no, because he's cheating on me ever since the exact day we started dating. What a f****d life, right? Kahit pa nasanay na ako sa ganitong ginagawa ng mga tao sa akin, nagbibigay pa rin ito ng sakit. Ilang taon na akong nagtitiis at mukhang narito na ako sa hangganan. I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of everything, actually. I once thought that suffocating myself with a rope is a good choice for committing suicide, but I've realised that using a blade to cut my pulse is better because it requires less effort than the first choice. Now I'm here sitting and looking at the blade with sparkling eyes. Hawak itong matulis na bagay, dahan-dahan ko itong idinikit sa aking palapulsuhan. I put pressure on it and I saw drops of blood coming out. I can feel the pain but this is nothing compare to my emotional and mental pain. I closed my eyes as I tears are falling down. I'm dying and I feel happy about it. Death is my only way to freedom even afterlife does not exist. Sa wakas ay matatakasan ko na ang lahat.