Never the Girl

"I choose to love you in silence because in silence I feel no rejection." --------------------- "Spin the bottle!" "Spin!" "Spin!" "Spin!" The whole group roared as the bottle started to spin. Imaginary drum rolls can be heard as the anticipation increases. I glanced at my side and saw him. Him. The guy with the brown wavy hair with some waves cascading to his face. The guy with the dark blue eyes smiling from ear to ear. He was glowing. His eyes shine on the side. He looks happy. And because of that, it makes me happy. "Woooaaaahh" I looked back to our friends not knowing what was happening. Stop looking at him Shan. I scolded myself. You tend to forgot everything around you because of him. "It's Mico! Guys!" the blonde guy named Tim pointed it out. The girls laughed and cheered Mico. He laughed with them. I sipped my drink watching Mico's turn. It would be hilarious. "Guys, ok..So who's gonna ask?" The girl with a curly hair raised her hand. I don't even know these people here.. These are not actually my friends. They're Mico's friends and I'm here because I'm also his friend. His friend. Friend. "Yeah that's what I will always be." I shooked my head at that thought. I felt a pang of pain at my chest just having that thought. I can't blame anyone. I can't even blame him. No one is at fault for this pain I'm feeling. It's all mine. It's my fault. I should not have crossed that line. I should not have crossed that border. I should not..... I should not have like him... Love him actually. Love him.. More than just a friend. I should not have replied to all his messages. I should not have answered all his calls. I should not have laugh at all his lame jokes. I should not have listen to his woes, pains and cries. I should not have listen to his story. His story. His love. I pinched my cheeks a little to stop myself from crying. Stop being a cry baby Shan. Mico doesn't like cry babies. "There! It's Shan!" Someone shouted. I can't even identify who's who. My eyes are getting blurry and its getting bad. I can't let anyone see me cry. I can't let anyone see me weak. I can't. Tim suddenly pulled me out from the crowd. I don't have any idea what was happening. All I can see are people shouting. Are they cheering? Oh my gosh! Shan! Don't get yourself in trouble. "Go Shan!" "Go girl!" "Body shots!!!" "Bodyshots!" "Bodyshots!" Before I can ask what was going on, I found myself looking deep into those dark blue eyes. His boyish smile plastered on his face. "What was going on?!" I hissed at him to stop myself from daydreaming. He just smiled and turned to the loud crowd. The crowd cheered even more. I covered my face with my two hands.. Ugghhh!!! Why are you even in this situation, Shan? You should have stayed in your apartment. You should have a kdrama marathon or read books. Or you should have created another lesson plan. My goodness! But he pleaded. Said my other self. You can't say no to him, Shan. You can't say no to your friend. You can't say no when he starts to dance like a gigolo, serenade you with a love song or said those pick up lines just for you to come with him to this freakin party. You can't, Shan! "Hey, Shan!" He waves his hand and burst my bubble of scolding the stupid Shan in me. "Huh?" What kind of answer is that Shan? He lowered his face at me. " They dared me. I mean I chose dare so uhmm." He was biting his lip. His freakin lips. Focus, Shan! Focus on the situation and not on him. I slapped myself. "Hey, why are you slapping yourself?" He chuckled at my gesture and holds my hand. My wet hands because of nervousness. Calm down! It's not like its the first time he holds your hand. "Ah nothing..uhmm mosquito!!!.. Yes.. There's a mosquito." What an excuse! "Okay, here's the thing. We played the truth or dare game right?. And I chose dare. So..uhmm." He was biting his lips again. "We dared him to do a bodyshot on you!" Someone shouted. What?!!!! I looked at the crowd and their face says it all. I pulled myself from Mico as the situation starts to sink in. Are they crazy? They want me to do a bodyshot? With whom? With Mico? I didn't even have my first kiss yet and now they want me to do a bodyshot? "Hey, wait.. I won't force you or anything, Shan. You don't have to walk out." He grabbed my hand. "Mico, it's your 30th birthday. What's a little fun in there, right?" Said Tim "Consider this as your bachelors party, man." "You're getting married?" I felt all my blood in my face. A big sword s***h to my heart. "No.. They're not serious." He explained. I breathed in. "Okay, I gotta go home." I said more to myself. "Shan, you're going home? Its still early and its your best friend's birthday. You did not even give him a gift." Someone named Leila said as I remembered. I looked at Mico's face. Right, its his birthday. "If you don't want a bodyshot then how about a kiss?" Someone suggested. "Yes.. Kiss!" "You're his friend. There's no malice im there." Everyone look so determined. I finally heaved a sigh and said, "Okay, let's have that kiss then." Confusion can be seen on Mico's face. "Are you sure? I mean I won't force you.. They're not serious." "It's your birthday. We're friends and what's wrong with that?" Yeah, Shan what's wrong with that. I told myself. "You said friends don't kiss, Shan!" He hissed at me seriously. "Well, I'm not in my conservative country anymore. I'm here in this liberated country where friends kiss, sleeps together and things I don't even know!" He looked at me with those deep dark blue eyes. He's looking through my soul. Or I'm just imagining. "It's just a kiss! It's better than the bodyshot." I added. I don't even know where did I get this kind of confidence in me. Maybe the alcohol. Yes, the alcohol. It must be that wine. "Alright then." He lowered his face to me.. The crowd cheered then slowly turning to silence. I'm nervous. Really! I can't back out now. You're so crazy Shan! Next time don't drink alcohol. I grabbed my above the knee button down dark denim skirt and crumpled it as if I can get off this nervousness in me. His face lowered. He cupped my face as I slowly closed my eyes. I saw him slowly closing his eyes too. My heart is beating really fast. Really fast that I might puked on rainbows at this moment. I can feel his breath on my face. I felt the tip of his nose to mine... He's going to kiss me.. He's going to kiss me.. Mico's going to kiss me.. when suddenly the door opens.. "Happy Birthday Mickey Mico!" And my heart shattered at the sight... One Two Three I counted on my head. "Sarah!" He left me. He always will. No one comes first other than Sarah. Sarah. His great bestfriend. His first love. "Happy Birthday Mickey Mico!" Sarah hugged the birthday man with so much love in her eyes. "You said you were not coming." His eyes sparkled. "I wouldn't miss it for the world, Mico." She cupped his face. "Okay, here's my gift." She handed him the small blue box. Mico's eyes turned to her. "You don't have to but thanks anyway." They greeted each other and bonded like they haven't seen each other for months where in fact he always calls her. I couldn't stand at the sight. I just couldn't. I know. I should get used to it. I've known Mico for three years. We actually met online. And first of our conversation is all about his great bestfriend. Sarah. Sarah is his first love. Sarah is his unrequited love. He loved Sarah more than anything else. He loved her so much that's why he never got into a relationship. The first time I saw Sarah was on pictures. I got curious on how this girl look to capture Mico's heart. She was tall and fair. She had a short hair and smiles genuinely. She looks very Western to me. They smiled to each other like two people inlove. "I can imagine. I can imagine how happy you were with her. Your eyes sparkled." I remembered saying that to Mico when he first sent me their picture. It was a happy picture. "You should move on. Sarah got a new boyfriend now." "I am. I accepted the fact that she has a new boyfriend now but my heart still goes for her. We are still friends and I'm okay with it." "Mico, the heart that loves can't just love alone, it hopes too." "I know. I sometimes hopes but not too much. I'm okay with what we are right now." "Sometimes you have to let go things...of people...." "I know when I'm ready I'll find someone else but right now no one can surpass Sarah to me. No one beats my attraction, my love for her. But maybe someday." "Alright." I lost hope. "Okay, gotta go. I'll meet with Sarah today. We'll eat out." I remembered our conversation ending like that. A date with Sarah would mean forgetting Shan. "He looks very inlove, right?" I turned my head to the girl beside me. She was a brunette. Looks like I'm the only Asian here. "Shan, right?" She extended her hand to me and we shake hands. "Yes..and you are?" "I'm Elena, remember?... The other friend of Mico... The crush for a moment friend?!" She explained. "Oh, right. Elena. I almost forgot." Elena was the girl Mico almost dated but nothing happens. I guess Sarah is still on top of his heart. "Mico looks very inlove." Elena said. "It was too sad his love was unrequited." "It was not all unrequited." I added. "She did love him at some point." "Oh..you knew?.. You knew about that certain moment?" I just nodded. I sipped on my drink. Alcohol does not really suits me but I guess I need it at this moment. "I don't know why Sarah can't return Mico's love. They were so close. Got intimate at some point. They treated each other more than a friend. She did love him at some point. But she dumped him by saying they should stay friends." Elena narrated. "How can someone stay as friends after what happened?" "Maybe he was going to grab every opportunity that comes just to not lose her.." I weakly answered. "He was willing to wait. He was willing to grab anything that she could offer. That's how much he loves her." One teardrop. Then two. And I cried. I cried my heart out. "Hey, Shan. It was nice meeting you. Gotta go." Elena faced me. "Are you ok?" "Yeah.. It was nice meeting you too...I'm okay.. It's the alcohol." "Oh..Okay! Ciao!" I looked away and started crying. I can't do this anymore. I can't. And here comes the flashbacks. The memories of how we first met. The memories of our bondings. Our first eat out together. Our first ice skating together. Our first movie. Our first year of friendship and more to come. My eyes are getting blurry. I grabbed the whole bottle of alcohol and drank it straight. I need this. I need to forget. "Hey, stop what you are doing, young lady." The man sat beside me. "Can you just get out of my way?.. Can't you see I'm drinking?" I hissed at him. "You're drunk, young lady." He pointed out. "I don't care. I'm old enough. I'm an adult now!!!" I grabbed the bottle again and drank from it. My cheeks heated. I'm sure I looked like a tomato right now. "Drinking is not a solution. Drinking does not solve any problem. It just make things worse." He shouted at me. "Stop being so inlove with that guy!" He walked out and I cried even more. I looked around. I can't stay here anymore. I need to go home. I need to pack. I steadied my walk which I find it hard. My goodness! How strong can that liquor can be. I didn't even finish it. "Okay.." I breathed in finding my way out. "Twenty-three.. Twenty four.." I counted my steps.. "I'm pretty sure the exit is somewhere here." I mumbled to myself. "Shan!" Someone caught my waist as I almost fell. I stood straight as much as I can do. "Thank you. Monsieur!" I bowed like a drunk woman. My goodness Shan! "Hey, Shan! Its me Mico...Are you drunk?" Upon hearing his voice, my face heated. My chest hurt and my eyes once again produce a thing called tears. I looked at him. I looked at the man I've fallen inlove. I looked at the man who hurted me without him knowing. I looked at the man who was still so inlove with his bestfriend. "Hey, are you ok?" He asked me softly. "Do you want to take a rest?" "Where is Sarah?" I tasted the pain in my mouth as I mention his girl. "Oh.." He looked in pain too. "Her boyfriend came. They were chatting there somewhere." "Oh! The boyfriend!" I almost laughed. "I was finding you. Where have you been?" I laughed at him. I laughed. I must be going crazy. How ironic can this be? "You're finding me because Sarah is with her boyfriend! You're running to me because Sarah can't be with you! You're...you're.." I said almost out of breath. "But you left me a while ago because Sarah was there. How ironic Mico! You left me because Sarah was there and now you're coming back to me as if nothing happened. As if I'm some kind of toy that you want to play because your favorite toy can't play with you!!!" "What are you talking about?" He looked frustrated. "I was finding you because I was concerned. Because you are my friend!!!" "Friend..oh yeah I almost forgot I'm your friend... The extra friend!"Great! The alcohol is now taking over you, Shan." I have always been your friend Mico." He creases his forehead and grabbed my hand. "Yes, you will always be Shan. Now, you're drunk and let's get you home." My head is dizzy. My heart aches and my tears are constantly falling. This is not helping at all. I must end this pain. This is my last chance. "No... You stay here Mico!" I almost shouted. "I'll drive you home. You're drunk." "I'm not drunk!!!" I hissed at him. " I'll go home on my own. You don't have to leave your birthday party. You don't have to leave everyone. Especially, you don't have to leave because Sarah is here. You don't have to care for me!!!" I bursted out. I burset like an active volcano waiting to erupt. I bursted out because I can't take it anymore. I can't take this pain anymore. "I care for you because you're my friend. I care for you because you're important to me. I care for you because you are precious to me." He clenched his jaw. "Stop that! Stop that!" I cried. "I know you're just drunk. I'll tuck you to bed and sing for you. How's that? Are we okay now, Shan?" He just looked at me like I'm some fragile thing. "Now, let's go home." I tugged on my hand. I can't let this happen again. I can't let my heart hoping again. "STOP MAKING ME FALL MICO!!!" I shouted like there's no tomorrow. There I just said it. I can't take it back anymore. This is my last straw. He stopped. He looked straight in my eyes. I can't hear the party music anymore. I can't hear the loud crowd. All I can hear is my heart beating so fast. "W-what did you just say?" He looked confused. "I said stop making me fall." I said with a small voice. "Is...is this one of your jokes?" He tried to laugh but he looked nervous. "I said stop making me fall." More serious now. "What are you talking about?" He looked curious. "Stop hurting me.. Mico.. Let me end this pain.. Lets end this." I said to him straight into his eyes. "What are you talking about ending Shan?.. I'm not hurting you." "You are... You are Mico.. You're hurting me... So please let me go." I almost begged. "I won't let you go Shan." I almost laughed. "Then will you let Sarah go?" "Whaat?.. I don't know what you are talking about. I'm not letting anyone go." "You have to... You can't keep us both.." "I'm keeping you both because you're my friends." "But you love her!" I shouted. "And that's what making me hurt more." "I'M f*****g INLOVE WITH YOU MICO!" I stood there like an i***t confessing her love. "That's why you are hurting me. You are hurting me because you are still inlove with her. You still love her eventhough she can't love you back." "It was fool of me to fall inlove with you. I'm so stupid. I'm so stupid for falling inlove with someone who loves someone else." "Shan..." He looked shocked. He tried to approach me but I step back a little. "I should not have crossed the line of our friendship. I know from the very start that Sarah is the only girl for you. I accepted it. It was hard. But as time goes by. I.....I can't help myself but to fall inlove with you." I remembered the happy moments and the moment I've realized that I've fallen inlove with this guy. "But everytime I see you with her... Everytime you told me about her... I cried my heart out and scolded myself. Why did I let myself be in this situation? Why did I fall inlove with you?..." I stopped for a moment. "But you know what maybe the book was right, Love is something your cells and tissues memorized. And you can't do anything about it because you are made of it... Like how I can't stop myself." "Sometimes I wish to be Sarah... What did she do to make you so inlove with her?.. What did she ever do?.. And sometimes I hate her... I hate her for hurting you. I hate her because I think she doesn't deserve your love.. And it pains me to see you hurting, Mico.. I've accepted the pain because that's what love is. When you love, you should be ready to get hurt. You should welcome the pain because its supposed to make you better afterwards." "If you have only turned your love to me, you wouldn't get hurt because of her. But love is not supposed to be like that. When you love, you just simply love.. No if's, no but's just love period... I can't force you into that." "I'm happy for you.. I'm happy for you because you can still be beside her and show her your love.. I can always see how happy you are with her. Your eyes sparkle..Truly." "My heart suffered enough. My love for you was becoming toxic anymore for me....That's why.." I paused. My chest hurts.. My eyes are sore from all the crying.. "That's why.... I...I choose to let you go." And my eyes are getting heavy from all the tears.. I want to go home.. I want to rest... I want to be happy.. His eyes looks confused...and hurt. "I don't know what to say." "You don't have to say anything." I wiped my tears. My heart hurts a lot. I remembered the moments we became friends. The first hi's and hello's. The first time I heard his voice. I'm gonna treasure those because this might be finally the end. "Shan, meeting you was a great surprise in my life. I never ever thought I would meet a girl like you. In our everyday conversations, you made me laugh and smile. You made me forget that I was once a broken man. I listen to your experiences as you also listen to mine. I... I.." He bowed down his head. I cried even more. Why are my tears unlimited now? "I remembered the shock on my face when I saw you in flesh in Canada. I never thought I would get to be beside you more. I mean more memories with you. I get to see you everyday. I get to see your smile and laugh. I get to have a shoulder to cry on. Whenever I'm in pain, I don't have to worry anymore because I have you... I have you Shan." "I used to not have faith Shan but because of you...You..You help me. I couldn't be more thankful.." There was a long pause. A long silence. My heart was beating really fast. "But...." One word and it made my heart sank. "I gotta go home..." I walked away. I don't think I can held it anymore. I don't think I'm ready to hear more. "Wait.. Shan" He grabbed my hand and made me face him. I must look really pitiful right now. I can't stop these damn tears. "Let me explain..." He sighed. "You don't have to explain. I know already.." "Shan!" He shouted. "Please hear me out first... I... I don't want to lose you.... I don't want to lose a friend like you." "I don't want to lose you Shan. I don't want to lose an important person in my life.. But I... Shan... I don't want to hurt you even more.. I like you... I like you Shan as...as a friend...as a bestfriend... But....I still love Sarah.. I don't...I...." He was finding it hard to explain. He seems to be frustrated in finding the right words to say.. And then... I slapped him. I slapped him hard. I slapped him thinking that it could ease the pain that I'm feeling. He look stunned for a moment so I took that chance to ran away.. I took a cab and arrived at my apartment. And there I cried my heart out.. I cried out the pain that I'm feeling. All I can do is cry my heart out. Makes my eye sore from all the crying and my chest hurt from all the pain. I woke up very early because I couldn't sleep.. And then I remembered my actual plan.. This is actually the goodbye. I packed everything I needed to pack. I even pack my embarassment last night. I looked in the mirrror and saw how puffy my eyes are.. I couldn't care how I looked right now. All I need is to leave this place and start anew.. That's it. That's the plan. It hurts to think that I won't see Mico anymore. It hurts to think that I'm ending the precious friendship that we have.. But I need this... For myself...and for Mico. I went outside and saw someone I shouldn't have... I saw the man that I love and at the same time the man who broke me. "So its true." He looked really annoyed. "You're leaving." I don't know what to say so I shut my mouth. "If its because of what happened last night, you don't have to do this.. You don't have to do this Shan." I can't look at him in the eyes. Those dark blue eyes. "I'm sorry Mico but this is for the best." And to my shocked, he kneeled.. He kneeled in front of me.. And he cried.. "Shan! You don't have to do this.. I'm sorry... I'm really sorry.." "I understand Mico.. But I have to leave." I said suppressing my sobs. "W-what about your job?" "My contract ended... I won't be teaching here anymore.." I said as a matter of fact. "Y-you didn't tell me..." He look shocked. "I won't let you go Shan.. I can't.. I just can't..." "You said you love me but why are you leaving me?" His voice cracked. "I'm leaving you because.... Because..." "Then let's try Shan... Let's try... If that's the only way for you not to leave.. " This was what I was hoping for.. For Mico to be mine.. To have Mico.. But I know Mico.. I know Mico more than anyone else.. "Stand up Mico." His face lifted. His eyes full of hope. "Shan" "You love Sarah, Mico.. I could not change that fact.. I won't force you.. Just because I've told you I love you that would change everything.. You won't be happy Mico.. I know.. And that's the last thing I want to do.. To make you miserable on my side.. I want you to be happy.. Truly happy.. Not force or anything.." "I will be happy if you won't leave." "Why the hell can't you understand Mico?... I can't..I have to heal my heart... I have to mend it for now.. Having you on my side.. Seeing you.. Seeing Sarah would hurt me even more.." And I cried again for the hundred times. "I'm sorry.. I'm really sorry.. I'm such a jerk.. I'm sorry I've hurt you.. I'm sorry I didn't notice your pain. I'm sorry I didn't make you happy. I'm sorry because you were miserable with me.. I'm sorry.. I don't deserve your love.. I don't deserve you..." He cried.. "I'm sorry for being so stupid.. So stupid.. I'm sorry Shan." I left him crying.. I left him at my door.. I left him because I couldn't look at him. "To the airport." I said to the driver crying. "Shan!" "Shan!" "Shan!" "Shan! Wait!" I looked at the back and saw Mico running. The cab stopped and I run towards Mico.. "Mico, w-hat are you---------------" He kissed me... Mico kissed me.. I tried to stop him but he was so strong. And as the kiss goes by..I weaken.. I let him kissed me. I kissed him back with the same intensity.. I kissed him as I pour all my love to him. "Shan." He said out of breath. "You'll see me again,right?" I smiled. A lonely smile. "I'll see you when the road decides its time for our paths to cross again." We stared at each other. "It's Sarah." He said to his phone ringing. "Answer it... It's Sarah.." I said. "Goodbye Mico." I've realized that no matter how much I love the person if I see him happy with someone else, I would let him go. It doesn't matter if I get hurt. It's part of the process. Love and Pain comes together. Mico is my first love. Someone said that " First love is like walking, you gotta learn to fall so you can walk properly." I've fallen, I'm bruised but I'm ready to stand up again no matter what it takes. I can never be Sarah. I can't compete with her. I can't compete with the love that Mico gives to her because I was never the girl for him. I was never the girl. I'll always be the friend. "Hey, wait..Miss Shan!" I looked around at the airport. Someone is calling me. Who would that be? It couldn't be Mico again! "Miss Shan!" I looked at my back and saw a man holding his knee and catching up his breath as if he went for a jog. "Miss Shan!" I look at him with so much curiosity. "Hey! Miss Shan!". He said smiling."I'm the guy at the bar.. You know the "young lady" thing." "Oh!" I remembered my craziness.. "Why are you here? I mean why are you looking for me?" "You're going to the Philippines, right?" I nodded. "Look! I'm also going to the Philippines." He said bumming. I'm confused but seeing his wide smile made me smile too. "By the way, I'm Alexandros... Xandros for short..Your Healing Buddy!" He extended his hand.. His smile reached to his olive eyes. I smiled and said "I'm Shania.. For short Shan..The broken girl." I know its not the end of everything. I may have been hurt, broken and bruised but I know I'm gonna smile again. A genuine smile. A smile of true happiness as I let go all the pains from the past. I'm still on the process but I have hope and faith in me.. I've realized that life has better plans for us better than what we think we deserve. I may not be the girl for Mico. I may never be the girl for him. But I can be the Girl for someone.. Someone like with olive eyes.. Kidding. "Some people won't love you no matter what you do, and some people won't stop loving you no matter what you do. Go where the love is." "You deserve to be with someone who looks at you like they've won the lottery."