Asmo's Love

Unwritten Feelings

"I have to tell you something."

Somewhere in between the short rehearsals and the 10-minute breaks we were doing while we prepare for tonight's gig, Steve approached me with that worried frown on his face as he motioned me to talk with him in private. It was at this point that I was starting to assume that he was planning to leave the band for greater things he would want to pursue. I started having suspicions when he began missing practices and kept talking about this music school outside the state that he wanted to attend at. And I think this was now really it. He was really going to tell me what I was afraid to hear about.

And the way he had sounded when he said those words to me, just completely confirmed all of my doubts.

"I really want to be honest with you, Cole," he added as I listened back, "I am really glad to be a part of this band. I learned a lot from you and the group. Just that... this is... what will make me feel happier."

He was dreaming big too. Just like me. And judging by the way his eyes were solemnly staring at me, I knew that he wanted it so bad. And I can't just stop him from taking further steps into his goals, because I know how hard it is to be in this line of direction... To pursue music and be known for it. It is NOT that easy.

I simply gave up and knew that if I was going to answer his request I had no other choice but to agree. I gave Steve a friendly pat on the shoulder and smiled with sincere gratitude.

"You didn't have to ask me," I told him, my voice steady and calm while still smiling, "I wanted you to do what you want for your own dreams, Steve. I support you."

And with that, it was ultimately the confirmation that our band was starting to lose its grip. I turned as I let go of Steve and gave him one last pat on the back and caught Sam staring in our direction. From the way she gave me a blank look, I can already tell that she knew what Steve and I had talked about. She must have already had her own suspicions. I just ignored her and went back to tuning my own guitar as I waited for the next cue for us to start another round of practice.

I went back to thinking about the new songs I wrote for tonight. I tried my best not to trouble myself for the meantime about the impending disbandment that I may have to face with the band. The first image that came up inside my head was David and his face whenever he watched me from the crowd while I sang on the stage.

Those were the moments that I might miss once these band gigs are over. And as I struggled not to be emotional about it, I pulled my phone from my pocket to give David a call. He already told me that he was going to watch us later on our gig, but before I could even dial his number, Tina's caller ID showed up on my screen.

I reluctantly answered it on the third ring and was slightly curious about the reason why she suddenly called me.

"Hey," was the first word I heard from her end. The quite breathy sound of her voice gave me a little flutter inside my chest. It was not a good thing to feel, to be honest. But it felt like I was thrown back to the good old days of my high school life when I was still dating Tina and we always talked a lot through the phone. It was purely nostalgic... But I knew, it was still wrong to feel anything emotionally warming just from hearing the voice of your ex-girlfriend.

Especially when I already have Colin.

"What's up?" That was all I could manage to ask back while I anxiously waited for her answer.

"I know you might be busy with all your gigs and stuff, but I just want to ask if you got any time you can fit for next week," she explained vaguely and I was still frowning, not getting where she was going at.

"Why? What's with next week?" I inquired more.

"I managed to get you and your band a spot for the annual band fest downtown," Tina slowly answered with a nervous voice, and I could even picture her with a nervous smile as she said those words through the phone. "I don't know if it's gonna help you guys a lot, but I just thought it could be good for exposure, right?"

I didn't give a response for a full minute. I was trying hard to process what she just told me. And I still could not believe it. A SPOT IN A BAND FEST? A bigger crowd? 

All the noises that I might hear from that got to me and I was immediately consumed by that thrilling feeling of being given the spotlight.

"So... Is it a good thing? Are you up for it? Cole?" 

It took me a few more seconds to realize that I was still cradling my phone and Tina was still waiting for my answer from the other line. I gave my other bandmates a short glance and I could see them too busy to mind me right now. I was totally feeling nervous and warm inside my chest and this was it. This might be the only last chance for us to be a whole group before we finally separate. And I think this can be a good way to end things for the better...

So without any more hesitations, I quickly gave Tina my most agreeable answer.

"Yes," I said back to her, smiling wider as I went on, "Count us in. We will definitely be there."

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"You are one hell of a star tonight, Cole. You... look... ama-"

I did not wait anymore for him to continue what he was about to tell me. David's wide grin had me pulling him right into my arms as soon as I had finally managed to leave the group of the crowd that kept asking me for photos and questions that I did not want to answer after I got down from the stage with the rest of the band. I kissed David immediately, feeling the total exhilaration of having him in my arms come back as it quickly washed away the doubts and troubled thoughts I had been thinking lately inside my head.

I no longer feel awkward, cold, distant... All I wanted to do at this point was to hold him and kiss him senselessly. I could the taste of his mouth and the movement of his tongue as it flicked against my lips and he started moaning slightly. I chuckled, slowly pulling away from him and smirking down at his beautiful eyes as he stared at me with a dazed look on his face.

"Wow." He said breathlessly and I was chuckling again as I held him closer to my chest. I heard the rest of the band doing some clearing of their throats behind us and I quickly gave them a roll of my eye as I pulled David with me to take on a vacant table nearby. Eventually, our group starting to have a round of beer and some fries as we talked about stuff while Sam and Eric started bickering harmlessly at each other about some sort of game they were both playing lately.

I was laughing along with Steve and I could feel Wayne feeling much more comfortable now with the group as he enjoyed his plate of chips while listening to the quirky and quite interesting topic that Eric was going on about now.

I looked at David who was sitting beside me this time, and I watched him as he took a drag of his cigarette and laughed at something Sam told Eric. This was a night that I did not realize I would miss. It had been so long since the last time I just felt so warm and relaxed. I slowly put my arm around David and smiled as I tried to get engaged with the ongoing conversation at our table. I was slowly forgetting all of my problems... And at this point, I just wanted the time to stop for a moment so I could enjoy it more.

It took us a few more hours, long after Wayne was eventually let go to go home before the rest of our group finally called it a night. I was a little bit tipsy from a few drinks of beer and I was leaning against David with my arm wrapped around him as we walked out of the bar with the others. Sam and Eric started to walked in the same direction as they greeted us farewell and still kept bickering as they started to leave. I was still standing right by the sidewalk with David beside me when Steve approached me.

"Hey," Steve started as I focused my eyes on him and smiled, "Just wanna say thanks, pal."

I knew he was going to do this... After our talk and that great gig this night, I was also starting to feel emotional about it. Because I knew already that Steve was feeling the end of the band eventually after he leaves. I tried not to show any sign of disappointment or regret on my face as David just silently tried not to butt in the conversation. I could feel him staring at me though.

"I want you to do what you feel you're happy about, Steve," I told Steve with a gentle voice, "Don't keep us from having you take your own steps. We'll still be here for you."

I know it sounded cheesy and David starting wheezing as he could no longer control himself after seeing me in this kind of mood which Steve started to chuckle about too and soon after, the three of us were all laughing now for no reason. I felt dumb and I knew I was kind of out of my element to say that since I am not really the emotional type of guy but it was my sincere thought. And I really want Steve to do what he always wanted to do.

Even if it might affect my own career and the band and the rest of my plans for the future. I could never control other people's lives and decisions and I had to accept that.

"I am really grateful, man. No kidding," Steve eventually remarked after we shared a short laugh. And he gave me this acknowledgment nod of his head as he bid himself goodbye from me and David and started to leave us. He turned one last glance with a wave of his hand before eventually taking off without turning his back anymore.

I did not know how long David and I just stood there on the sidewalk beside each other, but I remembered pulling David closer to me as if we can ever be closer than we already had, and gave a slight swift kiss on the side of his head. At this moment, all I could ever need to comfort me was his warmth against my body and the reassurance that I still have him in my life. David wrapped his arms around my body as well as he squeezed me back like a response or something.

But deep inside my chest, the pain was slightly resurfacing. And I could already see the future of the band as I watched Steve disappear to a corner by the end of the intersection before us... Like him.

The future of the band was slowly moving out of the grasp.

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