Asmo's Love

Unwanted Jealousy

DAVE'S POV

JUST A FEW DAYS BEFORE THE BIG FIGHT

It started around yesterday afternoon, I noticed Colin getting more frequent in checking his phone since this morning. The entire demeanor when he had finished that outstanding performance last night with his band eventually changed into something I still cannot quite pinpoint what is. I began to observe him, out of curiosity, because I had never seen Colin like this.

He is much more gloomy and distant... And when I tried to cheer him up with some trivial topics I thought he would be interested in, he only gave me a noncommittal shrug and a slight jut of his jaw. That was it. It was so out of his usual character.

I watched him from where I was sitting on the couch in our living room as he tried to focus on his guitar and that lyric book. This was the first weekend that I had finally managed to take some time off from my modeling jobs and casting calls. It was supposed to be a day when I and Colin can finally enjoy it for ourselves. I had been expecting something special so we can try to work things out with that awkward tension growing between us... Yet for some reason, what I only got from him was this.

It was as if I never was even here at all. And all I could do is to stare and occasionally let myself be felt by walking around the place to make him spare a glance at me. It was frustrating and annoying, but I could not really do anything about it.

I wanted to respect his time too... I know how pressured he is with his own craft. And I always noticed how focused and unbothered he is when does his compositions. I did not want to be the clingy, annoying lover who kept distracting him from doing what he loved.

That is not me... And I don't want Colin to get tired of me.

But lately, whenever that phone of his rang up and notifies him of a message or something, I always felt that unnerving warning inside my chest that something was happening. Or maybe I was just overthinking again and I was just getting frantic because I had been not that too innocent in terms of talking about loyalty...

But there was just something in the way... In the way that Colin stops on whatever he was doing just to check and typed something back and then have this lingering ghost of a smile on his lips when he put his phone back. It was disturbing for me... And I cannot help but feel bothered and curious.

There was something going on that I still do not know about and I wanted to ask him what it was. I wanted him to tell me what was with the messages or those emails he was getting. But I am too afraid to bring that topic up between us because a small part inside me was too much of a coward that Colin might ask me back about myself too. About Leo... About Margaux... About what was happening to me lately. I just could not risk ever face that situation for now, because I still do not know how I would even react to it.

So I regretfully tried to let it go, but I still watched Colin from the corner of my eye. Concerned about what made him look even more down recently, I tried not to ask him about things too much. But just with the thought that things were starting to change now between us, I kept trying not to feel worried. But I could already feel the heaviness and the weight of the problem on my chest, it was starting to suffocate me. I could no longer escape from this trap that I kept going back to. On top of that, I am also not being faithful to my relationship. If I keep masking myself from who I really am from the world, it could all someday come back at me.

It will haunt me for sure... Yet even though I know what could be coming in the future, I still want to ignore it. I don't even know if I ever really have any conscience with all that I was doing right now in my life and with Colin. I am not only betraying my promise... I was also betraying his trust, his love, and his commitment to me.

Why can't I feel guilty? Remorseful? How evil can I get? Am I even still a human? Am I allowed to be like this?

I will be punished for sure... In time. And I am already expecting it to be so big that I cannot ever escape it at all. That was what I should already accept for being this evil... This ruthless. I should never be forgiven. I should face the consequences. I should be ashamed of myself.

But why am I not feeling all that? Where is the pain? The guilt? The shame?

Why can't I face what I have done?

I looked at Colin, while I was still filled with these thoughts. I watched him getting busy with his pen and his guitar. He softly murmurs some words that I cannot understand and hear from where I was observing him, but I did not mind. I tried not to trouble myself over the worries inside my head. I tried to wash all of my doubts by focusing on Colin right now.

I wanted to forget every little thing that has ever existed in the world. For a short time, I said that prayer inside my head, even if I was not that much of a believer in faith... I want the time to just momentarily stop. Even for a few minutes. Let me just forget all this weight and stress.

Let me try to be at peace.

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COLIN's POV

Tina was supposed to meet me at the venue of the band fest afternoon of the next day, but when she had contacted me to meet at a cafe after lunch today, I did not find any reason to hesitate. In fact, I actually wanted to meet her and have a chat. She had been a very big help in reducing the stress that I have been dealing with lately. And because of that big and really helpful offer she had provided me for exposure to our band, I was starting to get back on track again.

Nothing weird or whatever, I really just want to thank her in person. And this was not something I would even think could be a little bit wrong even if I knew David might turn sensitive over it again. However, despite knowing the circumstances between them, I still did not worry about it. And it was harmless. I was just going to meet her to thank her and treat her to a nice drink of coffee that she loves. There were no hidden motives or anything that might mean more than what this was all about. But it turned out, there was something I never thought would have happened.

It was around that afternoon, I actually was already planning to get back home to rest and start that song I was trying to compose for days now. But for some reason, I ended up inviting Tina over to our apartment. I did not know what made me do that, and I know that was weird and out of the blue, yet I was at the point where I did not feel awkward or even wary about Tina any more. She was a friend. And I know that it was strictly just that, so it did not bother me.

Things went on pretty normally. We just talked throughout the entire ride back to my place and she was telling me this funny story that she had experienced during her work. I was laughing and we were having a nice time and we finally arrived at the place. I asked her if she liked to have some snacks, she insisted that she was already okay and the cake that she had eaten back at the coffee shop already had her full. I laughed and guided her into the building. I was starting to discuss things with her about my craft. Like how I had started to become very committed with songwriting and the band, and how I ended up living with David, and how we started. It was all going well. I knew David was still not at home... He always gets back home later in the evening and sometimes when I was already asleep. Though it was not like I did not want him to see us, it was just how it was at the time. 

Don't get me wrong, I would have wanted it more if David was there. I had no intention of making things awkward or heavy between him and Tina. Tina was just there as a friend and I just asked her to have a visit. She agreed and we never thought anything wrong about that. But it all changed, through the course of the conversation.

I was getting even more comfortable talking with Tina after a long while, and the couch that I was sitting on was making me feel more relaxed. W laughed about things, talked about our old high school days, all those funny stuff that had happened before, and all the things that had happened to us during the years that we had been apart. Tina always had that effect on me... And it was only by then that I soon realized how much it was growing warmer between us. I was feeling a bit different. And the more I looked at Tina, sitting just from a near distance from mine, the more it got a little cozier and heart fluttering for me. I still don't know if it was because of the lights, or how pretty she was when she was smiling at me, or how I felt much more relaxed and free of doubts than I ever did in the past few weeks when I was with her, but something had pushed me to move from my seat.

All the thoughts started to flash inside my head... the text that I had sent to David just a while ago. A lie. The words David told me about Tina before... that I still ignored as I slowly approached Tina with no feeling of hesitations at all. I knew I was starting to do this all wrong, but I could not seem to stop myself from moving closer. And as soon as I was already facing Tina with just a few more inches apart, I finally woke up to my senses.

What was I doing?

What the hell was wrong with me? This was not how I should be acting. David's face came up inside my head and I started to feel remorseful and guilty. I slowly moved back, and I could see the frown and worry on Tina's face. I was about to tell her I was sorry for my sudden action just now, but I tripped and suddenly fell down on top of her.

Yeah, it was all a cliche. Like some kind of a bitter-taste romcom movie where the main protagonist was finally caught in a love clash. And as if on cue, the front door opened at the same time, my body went all cold. I knew who it was, and I already knew what was coming. Yet instead of standing back and removing myself from Tina, I just remained unmoved.

I could feel a hundred million thoughts running inside David's head the longer I stayed there. And it almost took a long while before I finally got the courage to pull away and face him. And I saw how the entire relationship came crumbling down right in front of my eyes...

David was no longer with me.

His eyes told it all. He was starting to move further away, and it was all my fault.

I don't know how to fix this anymore... I was completely doomed.

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