Asmo's Love

Liars and Infidelity

COLIN's POV

I TOTALLY LIED.

I should have never lied to David but I did. And in fact, I had never been with the band a while ago... I never should have told David that lie and should have admitted that I was with Tina. Now, I must pay for what I just did. I, on top of Tina, was never even an accident at all. The scene David had caught us with in the middle of doing was completely own actions... I intentionally did that, regardless if I was not in my total sanity or not. I almost actually did it, conscientiously. I really almost did kiss, Tina. And even if it did not happen all the way through, the entire situation had already taken place. I was doomed. 

And now, I don't have any idea where David went. I contemplated calling Evangeline but I stopped midway as I kept pacing across the living room, feeling totally cold and nervous inside. What should I do? Where should I go? I had to find David... But where would I start?

Tina had already left right after we had been caught in that moment, she was too ashamed to even take a proper goodbye before leaving off with a troubled face. I knew it was my fault and I should not be doing this, but before I could even stop myself, I was already calling Tina through my phone... This is bad. So bad... But I still did this. I waited for the rings to be picked up but Tina did not answer on my first attempt. I knew I should already get the point, that she was now ignoring me. But I still tried for a second call...

Hoping that she could finally let me in, I kept pacing and waiting with my whole body unable to stay in one place. And after almost a very long time of waiting to be answered, the ring stopped and the other line finally picked up. I almost sighed in relief, but the voice from Tina's end quickly slapped me with a cold realization.

"Let's talk tomorrow," that was all she told me. And before I could even utter a response, the line dropped from her end. I almost did not take a breath for a full minute. I just stood frozen there from where I stood with the phone against my ear in the living room. I can already see the worst-case scenario. Tina confronting me... David leaving me for good...

Me losing my band, my dreams... David.

Everything that was left of me... It will all be taken away soon. What was I doing? I should have learned already. Why do I keep making mistakes?

When will I ever change and make things right?

As these situations got even much worse inside my head, only one thing kept going back in my mind: David.

Without him... Everything will be totally over for me. I have no choice but to entirely give up what I wanted. I only want David back.

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"I want to be clear with you."

There are a hundred things and words running in my head as I stared back at the worried and frowning face of Tina across the table from where we sat inside the coffee shop that we had decided to meet at to talk. This was not what I had pictured when I agreed to discuss things with her. I just wanted to get it over and make things clear once and for all. 

I wanted to end what I started and make things right immediately. I still had not gotten a hold of where David went last night, and I had not even gotten much sleep for the past twenty-four hours now, the dark circles under my eyes were proof enough that I am completely out of it and still in the state that I could not think straight at all.

Tina took her time to speak though. I was trying to come up with a good start to the conversation but found nothing to say to her. I still don't know how to bring the whole thing up. However, sensing my reluctance and troubled feelings, she took the initiative finally and casually tried to mask her nervousness and hesitance as she reached for the cup of latte that sat on the table in front of her. She took her time to sip first and gave me a lingering glance over the rim of the cup. As she slowly put the glass back on the table, she eventually mustered enough courage to speak to me.

"We should forget it all," she told me with downcasted eyes as she tried to avoid eye contact, I looked up though, and just stared at her face as I absorbed the words she had spoken. "You love David like no one else, Colin. I can see it."

She was right... what I did was something I had intended to happen, and it was really cruel and unforgivable, but at the end of the day, no matter how much of the urge and temptation I was in at the time, I would still regret it. And I would still beg David to come back. I would only hurt Tina...

"I still love you, Colin," As Tina's wobbled words slowly made sense to my ears, I instantly froze and felt the entire world stopped right in front of my very eyes. My eyes went up and found hers leveling with mine. She was now returning the stare and no longer bear the signs that she was not sure of what she wanted to say. And for a second, my heart skipped a beat.

"That's the truth, Cole," she added as I just continued to listen on as if I had totally lost the entire sense to speak myself. I do not even know what I would even say to that. "I don't want to lie to you and say that I didn't want the kiss that we could have done last night."

As it all finally dawned over me, the entire memories that I had shared with Tina back in the days came flashing in the back of my mind. Her smiles, our kisses, the hugs, the touches... the words she whispered to my ear... The promises we thought we would never break. But now, this was the present.

"But no," she quickly took it back, her eyes flitting away as she tried not to let any tears fall from her eyes, "This is not the chance for us. And it's not like I am expecting anything or what... I..."

She paused as she licked her lips, deep in her own thoughts, and she turned her eyes back at me again.

"I don't want you to ruin what you have right now, Colin," she eventually added, her eyes turning even redder and filled with unshed tears, "I don't want you wasting the things that make you so happy now. You weren't happy before even when I was with you... And now, you're different."

The more she said about what she thought of what I was feeling, the harder it hit me right into the chest. She saw through me. After all this time, the lies, the secrets, my own insecurities... Everything. Tina saw everything that I was trying to hide all those times that I kept trying to act happy and satisfied in the past. What have I done?

"I..." My voice came out hoarse as I finally found myself having the strength to say anything at all, and as I choked the words back and tried to speak more, I felt the tears coming out on their own, "I am so sorry, Tina... I... I didn't want-"

"No, it's totally okay, Cole," she brushed it off, with a soft smile, and just like that, my worries went all out of the window. How can she do this and make me feel so right even when the entire situation was completely getting wrong?

"I will always be hoping that you could find what would make you happy," she told me afterward with a warm smile on her lips, the image of her youthful grin that had always saved me from all the depression in the past mirrored the one she was giving me now, "You have to get David back, Colin. You need him. You two need each other the most... more than anyone else in the world. You both deserve the happiness."

She was so right, and I should start doing something now. I had to find David, beg him to go back. I had to set things right and even if that means I had to let go of some of the things that I was strongly holding onto, I had to choose what was important to me now.

"I don't know if this will be the last for us," Tina told me after some time of just dwindling down to silence as we stayed there, still figuring out how to end the conversation. It was as if the entire quietness had gotten so comfortable that it felt impossible to break it. But of course, all things should still come to an end... and in this case, I had to accept that.

"But I hope, if someday, we see each other again, Cole," Tina added after a pause as she stared back into my eyes and gave me a warm, loving grin that reminded me of the times when I still loved her so much before David, "I hope you are really happy."

I wished her the same. Though I never got the chance to voice that out, and it must be because I knew she already expected that I would be feeling the same way, I could feel that we would certainly meet again. And if when?

Who knows? The entire future is still... so far ahead to be so sure of it. For now, what I had to do is to focus more on the present. Find David... And fight for my happiness... Fight for what I never want to ever lose in this world.

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