Asmo's Love

Makeup & Pretend

DAVID's POV

I just stared blankly towards the view of the horizons before me as I leaned my arms on the balustrade of the balcony from where I was smoking a stick of a cigarette alone. I still had not returned yet to mine and Colin's place, and I was still slacking off time around different hotel rooms while trying to balance money I had left in my own bank account that had come from the last runway project I was in. At this point, I still don't have any idea what and where Colin was and is doing right now.

As the thoughts of him reoccurred inside my head, my mind wandered back to that one night from two days ago, when I had impulsively shown myself up, distraught and heavily driven by emotions, at Leo's own doorstep of his exquisite residence at the upper scale part of the city. I still could not believe what I did back then... Even when I knew it was not that strange that I would still rely on Leo even for my own personal matters, I still could not believe I would be that desperate to ask for his comfort.

We had s*x.

Yes. I cheated. Again. And by this time, I should never even be angry about Colin's actions anymore. I was even much lower than what he had done to me. I should be the one begging for forgiveness, not him... I should be the one desperately trying to reach him and find him to explain what I did. If he found out what happened... I wonder if he would still want me.

Can I ever let that happen? How long was I going to ignore and run away from all of it?

"Deeply troubled again?"

I knew I was going to meet him. No matter how many times I would try to avoid meeting him at all costs, there was no way I could ever really not see and talk with Leo Lumiere. It was inevitable. 

I turned and tried not to show any sign of expression on my face as I just nonchalantly took another drag from the cigarette in my hand. He simply smirked back and took the spot a little close beside me as he also pulled a stick from the inside pocket of his suit and lit it with his expensive lighter as if it was suddenly just natural to be here with me after what just happened between us not long ago.

"You never really smoked that much before, still not talking to him, huh?" Leo added with a tone of mockery. He blew the smoke out from his lips and gazed down the railings as if he was seeing something interesting down there. I snorted, feeling a little annoyed and bothered that he can read through me and I rolled my eyes, returning back to where I was looking a while ago.

"Keeping tabs of me now?" I said, still avoiding answering his question. I was not yet in the right state of mind to address the issue at this point. I was still looped in total confusion and worries, to be honest.

I just had s*x with this guy, and we never even talked about anything else aside from work and projects over the phone in the past two days. Right after I realized what happened the next day I woke up in his bed, I could not just simply fathom the idea that I had done something much worse than what had Colin did to me, the same night as I caught him with Tina too. That was so low... and even I, myself, could not even accept what I did.

I am the worst person. Ever.

"Forget about what happened."

At first, I thought I was imagining him say that because I was still thinking about that night with him, completely burdened by the possibility that Colin might find it out. But as I slowly realized that he just said that for real, I immediately turned to give him a look. I found his eyes directed at me. Leo was wearing the same kind of face he had when I first met him. Blank. Void of expression. Cold. Distant.

"Forget we had s*x, David," he added with a tone of finality at the last word. He looked away right after saying that and took another drag of his cigarette. I was torn in between asking him why he was suddenly saying this and confronting him about what he had ever felt about me. I knew that both would just completely make things even more complicated so I just dropped it. And even when I still could not believe that it was simply let go just like that, my heart suddenly felt a bit heavy with disappointment upon realizing how it had been so easy for him to move forward.

Was that a pathetic f**k? Did he just let me in that night because he thought I needed s*x to comfort me?

Was I just blown off?

I knew I should be feeling relieved that he was letting it go and saying to forget it, but the egoistic part of me could not simply drop it. Was I this so conceited? Why can't I just feel a bit guilty knowing how much I had been cheating behind Colin's back? He might have done something I could not accept, and could have done something I would have not forgiven with the first woman he had ever loved, but am I not just the same as well?

As the last inch of my cigarette completely burned into embers as I took one last drag from it, I eventually resorted to the conclusion that I should just focus on Colin first. If I am really the person I wanted to be for him, I should do something to set things right.

I can't just forever run away from him like this. I had to be honest too. But if I can't tell him all the things that I did, maybe, forgiveness and acceptance could be a start.

And from there, I just have to change for the better.

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I summoned enough courage to finally face what I should have already done yesterday. I walked up the front stairs of the apartment building where Colin and I used to stay. The coldness of the wind in the air reminded me of the coming winter season as I covered my face with half of the collar of my coat and tried to breathe in the warmth of its comfort. The feeling of ever meeting him incidentally on the way up there made me feel queasy as I treaded the remaining steps before going through the glass door of the entrance.

I contemplated sending him a message just to let him know. It was Sunday, and I figured he would be at the place, still troubled over the fact that I still had not come back yet. Or... was he already starting to think about leaving me? How much time had I already wasted not to think of all the possibilities? What was I doing? And as the nauseating realization hit me like a direct blow to the solar plexus, I rushed my way into the elevator that had just opened up on the ground floor and immediately pressed the button of our floor. I started panicking inside, now finally getting the idea that this meeting might turn out worse than what I had been wanting it to.

Could it be possible that I had blown my last thread of ever making it up again with Colin? The pain of the truth settled deep into my chest as I struggled to breathe steadily while keeping a watch on the slow movement of floors showing up above the elevator doors. I knew I looked like I was out of it and I could feel the stare of the few people who were sharing the ride with me in the elevator. Their suspicious glances bore a hole on the side of my face but I kept my thoughts locked on my own personal troubles while gnawing on the nails of my thumb, slowly losing patience while I wait to reach my floor.

Finally, the doors pinged open and I was out of the platform in a flash of a second, rushing my way to the left side of the hallway to get to the apartment number. I eventually reached it, gasping for breathing, from the sudden sprint and the heaviness in my chest brought my anxiety and total fear that I might be too late now. I hesitated to press the doorbell for a few more seconds. What if he was not yet here? What if he was still outside looking for me? Or maybe not... or maybe he will hear my ring but he won't open it once he sees that it was me... Or maybe he already left the place...

The last one undid me and no longer in the process of thinking about my next move, I was already opening the door using my own key that I only then realized was still in the pocket of my coat and went inside the apartment in quick haste. I looked all over the living room, my heart almost leaping out of my throat as I kept finding any sign that Colin was still there.

"D-dave.."

It was too soft, too gentle, and my name was only whispered out of surprise through the unbreakable silence of the room but my adrenaline had me all so alarmed that I immediately traced the direction of his voice from a far distance by the doorway of our bedroom. His face looked so tired, his hair all messy as if he had just groggily got up from bed from sleeping all day with his five o'clock shadow covering the smooth skin of his jaw.

The moment our eyes met I felt the sudden splash of longing hit me as I had never felt it before. I came running my way towards him and swooped him into my arms, unable to let him go. I could feel the tears slowly pouring out of my eyes, the exhaustion and fatigue I had endured in the past two days crumbled me apart as soon as I felt his warmth under my touch. I no longer care if he was not going to return the hug, I just wanted to have him and know that he was still here. He never left...

He was still here. I still have a chance... Right?

"I want to be with you, Colin," I suddenly spoke in a hoarse voice, my voice choking up as I kept on in the middle of my emotional turmoil. The feelings that I kept bottled up inside my chest finally came out into a burst of tears and endless blabber, "I don't want to lose you, please have me back. I don't want to be away from you... I am so sorry... So sorry... I want to be here. Don't leave me..."

I kept repeating those phrases. Don't leave me. Don't leave me, please... Forgive me, Colin. I did not even know how long I had been speaking it all over again as I felt the flow of tears soaking my face and neck before pulling away to stare at Colin's face again. The vision of his expression was blurred due to my wet eyes, but I tried to reach out and touch him, trying to conjure the feelings I wanted him to feel. I don't want him to leave me...

Please don't leave me. As I moved my hand down to his jaw, tracing the lines on his face, Colin's hand suddenly moved as well and touched me over my fingers. He gently pulled it closer to his lips and softly kissed it as he looked at me with the same pained and longing expression. I could feel his other arm wrapping me back tighter to a closer hug as he leaned closer until I could clearly feel his warm breath brushing over my lips.

"Why are you saying sorry?" He asked me, his eyes frowning as he put another kiss over my fingers. "I am not going to leave you, Dave. I can't possibly live alone without you. So, please... Don't ever leave me again, okay?"

He was feeling the same. It was only then that a short moment of undoing, Colin finally revealed to me his raw weakness. He was feeling the same. He was also scared... In fear. And at this point, I knew we cannot ever really be apart without feeling the same sadness and emptiness. I can't ever be happy without him in my life...

And with that... I choose to stay here with him. I choose to have him over anything else in this world.

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