Asmo's Love

Urges That We Can't Control

LEO LUMIERE's POV

There are so many things that I could always enjoy about my life... So many things that I do not have to worry about. I could live on without doing anything and still have a good sleep and a good place to stay at for as long as I could live. Being me... in this world has been the best thing about my life. And no, I am not bragging or anything, This is actually the truth. To be Leo Lumiere is such a wonderful chance. But I don't think I could ever like everything about it.

There was always one thing that seemed to be lacking in my whole life... Comfort, that is.

Why? Why do I think so? Am I not that happy? Shouldn't I be already when I can get anything I want in this life? Money, fame, success... Power? What else do I need comfort for? I have already been provided for my whole life, what comfort was I talking about?

"You're too cold, Leo."

"Why are you so distant now, Leo?"

"This is the real you, isn't it? You don't ever feel anything?"

How many times had I heard these lines before? How many times had I tried to brush off the impact of the truth weighing in between those words as they hit me at a bull's eye? They were right... I was too cold. I was too distant. I do not ever feel anything. I could make myself believe it, appear as if I had been feeling love and compassion and all those sorts of emotions they call empathy and warmth... But I can't even lie to myself about it.

To be honest, the comfort that I had been searching for in my life was never about the things I could have asked for if I really want to. It was something someone could never touch... It was something that could only be attained if you are lucky enough. The comfort of love.

Had I ever been in love?

Now that I thought about it, I don't ever actually recall a certain part of my past when I totally fell madly in love with someone else. I did share a long string of lovers, in and out of relationships but I don't think I could ever really call them "love". What is love, though? Honestly, I never really saw anything real that I could compare it with so I would know... My parents were not really the best example of marriages. Watching them and living with them for most of my teen years only had me discovering the different ways of lying, infidelity, and deception. It was awful... And I could only act as a bystander who tried to avoid and neglect the blatant horrid, and terrible truth right under my nose because I knew that I can never do anything about it anymore.

Their lives... were already tainted with so much ugliness and dirt. It was no worth trying to save for. I don't ever think I can even try to fix it myself too. I was just a kid... And at that point, I only learned something without having to ask it myself. Love... is not an easy success. It was a rare chance to find. And for me, love was unattainable. 

That was what I had always believed in. And since then, I never really expect myself to find love that soon... Cause I knew that if I would ever find something like that, it will never be an easy thing. And I could only fall deeply worse than I could imagine if I let myself drown on it. But fuck... Damn, if I only knew. If I had only seen it coming... If I was really being careful at all and tried to mask away all these vulnerable feelings, I could have saved myself much earlier than I was now...

Cause, to be honest, I was not even planning to make this happen but I suddenly fell in love. 

How do I know it was love?

I just know... And I don't think I would have needed a reason to confirm if it was real or not. The only thing that had made me feel sure about it was the intense urge to kiss him... The intense pull of longing and desperation to hold him and take him away from everything. All I could ever think of at the moment was how I cannot forget how his eyes would always come and find me in the middle of the crowd, even though I knew it was too far from a look of adoration that I was getting from him. I knew that he was suspicious and he has all the right reasons to feel like it because I don't trust myself either...

But at the first moment that our eyes met, it hit me so hard. The warmth, the sudden lust, and the comfort that I had been missing. Those eyes, his face, his smile, and the way he looked so warmly at him with so much care and happiness without trying to look as if he wanted to fit in with the others in a place that looked so out of his element... I was obsessed.

I wanted him. I want to be with him. That was my immediate thought at that instant, but I could not make out the words and the right things to tell him, so I tried to gauge a reaction from him. I want him to see me... even if it meant I had to annoy him and anger him and make him hate me that much. I just want him to look at me. LOOK AT ME. Please... look at me this time.

I just wanted him to notice me... I wanted him to want me, need me, and give me that attention that you kept giving him...

Colin.

COLIN. I LOVE YOU... And I know... this is so crazy.

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COLIN's POV

I do not know how many times it had been but I still kept kissing David the moment I woke up, disgruntled and still unable to believe that this was reality now. He was finally back, I do not have any idea what time or what day was it now, I just want to be in this place and forget about the rest of the world. David was here now. I do not need anything else. 

With the feeling of his bare shoulder below my finger as I ran it down to his arm, I could feel the warmth of his reality against my touch. I love him. I need him and all I ever wanted to do right now is to be with him. I do not want to leave the spot beside him as I observed his beauty while he still slept beside me on his stomach. The sheets had already been moved down past his hips and the marks of my hand and fingers behind his back left a reddish trail over his skin. I remembered the things we did last night, right after we made up...

How the taste of his kiss felt more passionate and needy as soon as his lips met mine. It was incredible and it felt like it had been years since the last time we had s*x.

"Don't ever leave me, Colin."

His words became the alcohol that slowly had me swaying with drowning intoxication and a strong urge to pull him closer to me, not caring what else was going to come out of his mouth after that. The only thing that kept playing inside my head was how I missed the way he felt underneath my hands and arms and body... And how sexy and beautiful he sounded when he moans and groans in pleasure every time I made love with him. I want that David with me... And I would do anything in this world to keep him with me forever.

He is truly and so incredibly beautiful. Don't ever leave me, David.

If I was any more vocal than I was, I would have kept repeating those words to him last night. And up to now, the words still got stuck in my throat, afraid that if I go weaker and more vulnerable now, I might lose myself all the way. I did not want to happen, and I was still in fear of being left behind. I could already see the future of David right in the palm of his hands... He will get there. And for some reason, I knew that the parting would be inevitable...

I just don't know when and how it will going to end for us. But for now, I tried so hard to push that thought away. I always try to make myself think that it would still be far from now. I did not want to face the truth yet... Because I knew that it was going to hurt so bad. And with David, the pain and tears were two things I never wanted to feel at all. I just want to be with him and be happy as much as I can.

As slow as I tried not to make him ticklish as I kept running a finger up and down his arm, David slowly stirred and moved from where he was lying asleep. He slowly turned around until he was on his back and his eyes started to open. He squinted through the brightness of the room... I reckon it was already past lunch, but I still had not made any move to get up from the bed. I could feel the rumbling of my stomach and I felt so hungry but my lazy self had wanted to stay much longer with David so I was still there when he finally woke up. He noticed me right away as he stretched his hands above him and groaned, moving over the bed to snuggle closer to me. And like an automatic response, my arm went around him quicker than a second as soon as he moved. I was already smiling as I took him against my chest and he leaned his head close to my neck. The warmth of his breath hit my clavicle in a whoosh and I delved into the comfort of his body and existence close to mine.

"Let's stay like this for ten more minutes," that was his first request as soon as he spoke against my skin and I felt him leaving a feathery kiss against my neck as he nuzzled his nose there. I smiled wider and hugged him tighter as I nodded back. I was too engrossed to ever really move and leave and this was by far the most passionate morning we ever really had in the past few weeks that had come. It had been so long since we just stopped getting up earlier than the other or woke up seeing the other beside them in the bed. I wanted to bask in this pleasure and have it imprinted in my memory forever. I wanted to make all the memories that I could while David and I could still do them like this without thinking or worrying about anything else.

And as these thoughts ran over my head, I realized that I was slowly being taken back to sleep again. David's breathing went heavier against my neck as I feel him going back to slumber as well. He was forgetting the day as well and like me, he no longer cared about the time. I even forgot that I should eat and we should have something to fill our stomachs but because it felt too comfortable and cozy to get away and leave, I eventually dropped it and just chose to stay here.

After all, this was so rare to happen and I have no idea anymore when would be the next time for this again. If I knew better, I would never want to let David go and leave me here. And if we could have known what the future has in store for us, would our decisions change as well? 

I don't have any idea what would be the answer, but at this point, I just want to live in this moment for much longer. Let the time stop for a moment.

I don't want anything else.

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