Asmo's Love

Everything I Ever Wanted

DAVID's POV

Since that day that Leo had talked to me about the project he had in mind and would want to give me, I kept wondering what could be the outcome if I accept or did not accept the offer. I wanted to give myself a preview of the things I would be getting and the things that would be disadvantageous for me if I try to chase after that dream or choose to stay on Colin's side instead. There was a lot to consider and it was a hard decision to make. I did not want to be impulsive of my own actions again and Leo was right, I was actually glad that he gave me more time to think about my answer first. 

Up until now, I was still lost and unable to choose firmly. I cannot just get myself to pick which one... If I choose either, I would still be greatly affected, bad or good, it would be a big impact on my life and relationship.

But the real question there was: Would I ever really risk it all if I ever get to finally choose one?

Will I be able to own up to my own decision? Can I accept the consequences?

That would be really hard because if I accept it, I would lose Colin so much. And I would never be sure of how our relationship would be doing as soon as I leave... But if I reject the offer, it would pretty much be me saying farewell to everything that I had worked for. And this was such a big opportunity, it almost felt like Leo was giving me the most difficult and unavoidable ultimatum and I am really torn in between the two options.

I am way too pressured.

I gave myself the benefit to figure what I really wanted to do. I definitely have to talk this one out with Colin eventually, but I still do not know how I was supposed to start it off and bring up the topic with him. I still have to give him the time to eventually adapt to how things have been going on between us and there had been so many things that had happened in the past few weeks that even talking about money and the rent bills would eventually lead up to a sensitive conversation with him. To be honest, I just did not want to trouble or stress Colin more. I could see him having this private dilemma with himself as he struggled to focus on his own craft. He does not really say anything that much about his own problems but I had already noticed the deepening of the dark circles under his eyes and it was making me feel even more concerned and worried about him and his mental state.

In other words, having to talk about my own troubles with him would only cause even severe anxiety in handling all the things he had been dealing with already. I had to find my own voice for this and I have to prepare myself for making a decision. I just have to balance everything and think it through... real hard and seriously.

But what if I regret what I would be choosing in the end? What if I started to feel even much worse and apologetic about the things that would happen once I finally took the path I wanted to go to... What if I hurt someone? Hurt my own self? Blame someone else for it? Or worse, blame everything? I don't want to end up like some psycho b***h who will just keep whining about everything he did on his own. But for some reason, I felt like I would definitely end up like that. 

I knew myself so much. And I knew that the ego would win me over and it will take over all of my sanity at once. If I was going to be that way then, it would be better to accept how things would become as early as now. If I will be choosing something that would ruin me for good, I better man up and own it. Too much pep talk going on, but this is really hard for me.

I looked down on the paper that was supposed to be the drafted contract that Colin had sent to me just this morning. And as I sat in the living room, still thinking deeply about my own troubles, my mind eventually wandered back to Colin and the way his face softened that night I came back here and made up with him.

He really hoped that I would get back, and the relief on his face was proof enough that he wanted me back. I just could not erase that vivid picture of him as he took me in his arms and kissed me so sensually and passionately as if all the fire and love had burst out of him and he wanted me to feel all of it. And I definitely felt all of it so real and very concrete. Since that night, I started staying at the apartment and requested a hiatus from any project... I contacted Leo and told him that I wanted to think about what he just offered me. He agreed and gave me the choice of when I could come back to him with a formal answer.

I just don't know yet if I could ever really give him an answer before the time runs out. I do not want to regret anything, but I really want that shot so badly I would literally do anything Leo would ask of me... But at the same time, the nagging feeling that I might leave and eventually ruin the relationship I have with Colin held me back and I could not decide for it at this point. It scared me so much... because I don't know what I would be expecting from him once he finds out what I was about to decide on.

I just don't want to lose him all the way. I don't want to think that I might never see him or touch him again for a long time. I wanted to make sure he will be with me even if I choose what I wanted to do and be apart from him. But of course, this is not a fairy tale... and I had to face reality too. Since in this cruel and brutal world, no matter how good or how glorious you are in whatever you do in your life: No one can ever really have everything they ever wanted. 

That's the fact... and it will always remain unchanging. 

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COLIN's POV

"Good evening, everyone! We are the band 'LIBRA'!"

My mouth ran on its own course as soon as it moved over the microphone and I gazed across the sea of people before me. I could not really see nor even recognize faces from the stage where I was standing, with the spotlight glaring towards me, but I could hear the chants and the cheers from the noises drowning out my hearing.

I was in the moment where I no longer was thinking about anything else but just to perform. Sweat trickled down the side of my forehead as I started strumming the guitar and I turned to give the cue to our drummer, the youngest member we got, Wayne. He nodded his head and started tapping the cymbals and the tempo swiftly went in along with the thump of the bass in a smooth transition as we started the first track. The song that we were about to play was one of the first songs we used to perform in our gigs, but this time, the song was re-arranged to suit a much hyper crowd.

Sing. Just sing. That was what I only had in mind and I kept my eyes slightly shut as I let the flow of the words come out of my lips in a rhythmic flow, loving the feeling it gave me while I let my hands move on its own with my guitar hanging around my body. As soon as the song had been finished, we started a new one again until we went on and on and on... And the cue that it was about to end hit us as we gave another encore from the requests of the crowd. It almost felt like we were brought back to the first time we did our first performance in front of a small audience. 

It made me feel nostalgic and I kept looking behind me to stare at the faces of my bandmates, how they were all sharing the same expressions of happiness and exhilaration. How we felt so genuinely satisfied that we did our best once more... And we heard how people had enjoyed it.

But as much as I had wanted it to last much longer, I knew that this feeling was bound to meet its ending too. I hummed one last more just as the last note of the song drops in a reverb through the microphone. And slowly, the light from the glare eventually weakened and my eyes immediately readjusted to it and I finally caught the sight of David in the middle of the crowd watching me with that warm smile on his face. I instinctively smiled back, and I mouthed 'I love you to him, our eyes locked on each other as he grinned wider.

I then turned around, patted Eric on the back who I passed by as I left the mic stand. I soon heard the emcee's speaking over the stage as he took over the spotlight while I and the rest of the band exited the platform. Tomorrow night... It was going to be the last performance I will ever do with them. It was going to be the finale of this journey as a band. And I knew even if I did not say anything, Eric, Sam, Steve, and Wayne can already guess the impending disbandment. I can already tell just by the look on their faces, the knowing stares, and the way they poured all of their hearts in the past few gigs we did together.

This was about to end now, and as I returned to David's side, excusing myself from the group, I sought comfort in his warmth as I immediately pulled him for a kiss and a hug. David submissively took me and returned the request as he kissed me back and held my face with both of his smooth hands. I leaned deeper and kissed him longer than I had intended to as we shared our intimate display right in front of anyone else to see without much care of the rest.

And as I finally pulled away, I gazed down to David, his eyes were sparkling against the gleam of the warm lighting inside the bistro. I silently pulled him by his arm and took him outside of the place as we met the cold air of the evening hitting our faces. I wrapped an arm around him again to share my warmth and David just quietly hugged me on the waist as well as he leaned his head over my chest. 

"We are going to dissolve the band after tomorrow's gig."

It was only at that moment that I had finally got the courage to tell David the truth and all of my plans. I had been withholding the confession for so long now that having it all out at that time, immediately made the weight in my chest go away. I feel the relief settled over me as soon as I said it to David who went tense for a second as he pulled back to look up to my face.

The shock, worry, and tenderness from the way he gazed at me melted my heart as I leaned down to plant a light kiss on his forehead. 

"Why?" was all he asked and he frowned at me with a soft expression.

"I have decided to let it go now, David," I just told him back, no longer holding back as I went straight to being vulnerably honest for him, "I realized some things about my life and my ambitions and I learned that I have to grow up now. I can't stay undecided and unsure and unhappy anymore. I have to set priorities, and my priorities right now are our life together and being with you."

That was the truth. And I knew that if I want to stay with David I had to be realistic, I can't just forever depend on him anymore. I need to be practical and even more hardworking... And for that, I had to start looking for a reasonable job, with a steady income, and with enough resources to sustain our everyday lives.

"But... you are happy with-"

"It's okay," I hushed David with a kiss because I already knew that he was going to feel sorry for me and he knew that I never really want to let go of my dreams. But this time, I wanted to be manlier, and I wanted to be more mature. I wanted to be the kind of man he can finally rely on. "It won't leave me, Dave. This is just me doing the right thing that I should have already done from the start."

Which was... choosing this. Choosing the life with him, and accepting reality.

I will be the person I have to be for David.

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