when i miss you

I can’t sleep thinking of what he said earlier. It felt like I was expecting it, but I didn’t know how I would feel when he finally said it. “I like you…” he sent a voice message telling me how he feels about me. I was cleaning my room, but until now I haven’t finished yet. I was distracted and all I could think of was him. I can’t leave him hanging without a response, right? Finally, he was able to tell how he really felt. I knew he'd been hiding it all along behind the friendship we have. I remember how I asked him a favor, “Can we be friends forever?” with the fear of losing him, I said. That was the time when I thought he wouldn’t ever confess, and worse, he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore. He even told me about someone he likes. So, I thought we were hopeless and meant to be just friends. It was that day I can confirm that our feelings are mutual. “I like you too…“ through a song, I responded. It was years of keeping the feelings hidden. I was waiting for him to confess, but it never happened. Until high school was completed, and we went to separate schools, I never got to know his feelings for me. Despite that, we kept talking. We dated other people, even sharing our frustrations. Those relationships did not work out. In the end, we are back at each other. Still friends. “Wanna come with me?“ he texted. “Where?“ I replied. “Just somewhere“ he replied immediately. I agreed to come. He fetched me at school after my class. Since the time he confessed, we’ve been going out frequently. We went to coffee shops, on study hubs, burger stalls, and even enjoyed eating street foods. Sometimes, we just walk without a destination. That’s how we spend time together. “Wow“ I mouthed as I jumped out of his car. I am mesmerized by the scenery I am witnessing now. “Right on time.“ he said. It’s like watching a vast canvas painted freehand with just the shades of orange in it. The sound of the wave adds up to the feeling of serenity it gives. “You like it?“ he asked. I nodded in response. I did not even throw him a glance, for I couldn’t let go of the view I am witnessing now. We walked closer to the shore. Ignoring the chills that the sea breeze is giving. The blow of the wind makes it even colder. I then wrapped my arms around me. Later, I felt a cloth covering my body. I knew it was him, wrapping me with the warmth of a hoodie he always brings with him. A moment later, I found him sitting beside me. “You’ve been keeping this view to yourself, aren’t you?“ I pretended I was upset. “No, I just found out about it“ he denied, of course. One of the things he loves to do is to look for a spot. A spot that only him knows about. It’s getting dark, and most of the sun has already set. I closed my eyes as I listened to the sound of the waves, and felt the wind as it hit my body. It felt like bed on rainy nights, making me want to sleep. I almost fell asleep when I felt the warmth of his hand holding mine. “By any chance…“ he started to speak that made me open my eyes. I finally faced him. “… can we be officially together?” he turned his head and our eyes met. I wasn’t prepared for this. No, I was never prepared for this. I tried my best to respond to that question politely. I am not sure. I don’t want to hurt him with what I am going to reply, but it would surely hurt later if I will reply him against what I truly feel. “I am sorry…“ I looked away, “… I think it’s not the right time yet.“ I said with all the courage I have. I plastered a bitter smile, knowing so well I had hurt him. I looked down as I felt bad about the situation. This is the outcome of me being honest. “Sorry… did it make you uncomfortable?“ he tried to lift the mood. It was evident in his eyes that he was hurt. He let go of my hand and stood up. “Let’s go? It’s getting dark“ he said as he walked ahead, and I followed. After that moment, it felt awkward. We headed home, and I was asleep the entire ride. The next thing I knew, I arrived home. It’s annoying how I was sleepy earlier, but I can’t sleep now that I am lying on my bed. Staring at the ceiling, I thought of him. He has never sent me a message since earlier. Should I ask him if he got home? I typed and deleted repeatedly. Should I give him space just for tonight? I buried my face in my pillow and screamed out of frustration. 1 notification… I quickly got up in my bed and checked my phone. My hands were trembling as I opened a message coming from him. “Stop worrying about it. I understand. I should’ve not asked you yet. By the way, I got home safe. Take a rest, let’s have ice cream tomorrow. Good night!” I let my body fall on bed. The next thing I knew, everything went black. The next day, I found myself preparing to meet him. Do I still have the face to bring before him? Right, I don’t have a choice. He was waiting for me outside. I just went to tell my mother that I was going, and finally left our house. “Good morning, have you slept well?” he greeted me with a wide smile. He opened the car door for me and gestured me to enter. He then went to the driver's seat after he made sure that the door was closed. Before he started driving, he took something from the passenger seat. “Before I forget, here’s a coffee for you, just in case you forgot to have some this morning” he gave me a medium-sized hot Americano, the one I always order whenever we go on a coffee run. He acts right now as if nothing happened yesterday. He is focused on the road while banging his head slightly with the beat of the music. As we had agreed, we went for an ice cream. We headed to the ice cream place we always go to. “Can we have one order of vanilla ice cream and one of the cookies and cream?“ he told the server. “No sprinkles on top or anything?“ the server asked. “Not today haha, thank you“ he replied. I am lost in words because of the way he handles his emotions. You would never think that he was the same guy that was hurt yesterday. Look at how his eyes maintain their glimmer as he talks with other people, and even with me. “Don’t stare at me that way, I will disappear in the thin air“ he can even tell jokes at this point. Our ice cream was then served. I was scooping on my ice cream when his spoon appeared, scooping on my ice cream as well. He gestured it towards my mouth for me to consume. “Don’t make the ice cream feel that you are not happy with it, hmm?” he said and patted my head. That surprisingly made me feel better. “Go, finish it. We’ll go somewhere.” he plastered a bright smile. How could I not like this guy when he knows really well how to make me feel better. It’s not even half of the day yet, and here he is, giving me comfort when he needed it more. Those were one of the hundred times I fell for him. The reasons why until now, I can’t forget him so easily. He made everything feel like my favorite romance dramas that I kept on rewatching whenever I missed him. I don’t want him back, but I wish I could turn back time. “Hey, are you okay?“ a tap on my shoulder made me snap back to reality. I spaced out again. “Ahh, yeah sorry. What was it again?" we were in the middle of an interview. The last question made me think so deeply that I got lost at the moment. “What was your inspiration in writing this book? Have you experienced the same thing first hand?“ that was the question. Writing was always one of my dreams. I want something big that I can call mine. I want something that I can show the world. Back then, it was just a hobby. I was just writing my frustrations, torturing a notebook with the harsh words I couldn’t even utter in reality. “No, it was just a product of my imagination.“ I answered. Never will I experience such story. The book I wrote depicts a flawless relationship which happens to be unrealistic these days. The reality is filled with cheating issues, the taxi cab theory, and such, which ruins the concept of genuine love.