A forgratted love

you know what?have been feeling low lately and I don't know how to pick myself up..(Karen) but why so?maybe you've been dragging yourself in the past all over again?you just have to put yourself back to pieces otherwise, you aren't really looking good.(Stacy) Karen!with sobbing eyes Stacy speaks up. yes Stacy!what's really wrong with you now?has my today's negative vibe put you off?Am sorry am happy now I promise. she giggles....NO Karen! but why are you sobbing?is it because of what George said to you earlier concerning you not having a boyfriend? Not really!but maybe he was right.am not that attractive enough right?Always working and not seeing the world out there..Stacy Oh girl don't think like that,your'e one of those beautiful ladies I know....His stupid,he always find ways to pull you down since he knows you're weak...Try to lady up yourself and show him you don't need a man to be known or be strong..... Awwr thanks girlfriend.. Stacy. As I lay on my comfortable bed everything starts flooding in like a river.. Indeed life has some twisting facts but to be honest. Am f****d up and I don't know if am really happy or just faking it up. All I know is,i did participate in the hurting of feelings but was in the point of learning about myself. I was wronged,misunderstood and hurt..growing up without knowing the love of a father and been hurt in the manner I never thought of ... I won't say I played the part of a perfection nor will I say I never apologized..I actually did the wrong and the apologising.Even wising for better days. Everyday,I seem to wish for the pain to define me and to let me forgive and forget.I seem to have forgiven but forgetting it's abit too far from my breath. Almost every human in every race faces this guilty of the past.. If I had the keys to go back in time and change that year I'd definitely change everything. In that year and day things changed for me,if drastic change can't be a good word then I'd say,the universe decided to give me a befitting punishment for those whose love i took forgratted. I left them to give them peace but I had to suffer years later..karma is a bad b***h. In every battle of mine,I honestly never left his name.In every breath of mine in a far away town memories kept me going every bitter day.I had prayed for the day our misunderstandings could've sorted out but desting had other things for us. Perfection isn't in the favor of anyone but people strive to level themselves up.The world is a villainous and agonized world perpetuated by the evil doers of the foreign world.Even in that sense my heart yearned for person. Unfortunately,even today I still hold myself guilty for some things and my heart is torned between the future and the past. Over the years of my non unstoppable tears with none to slide down my taply eyes have gained my strength. Months passed, no call received from him well am used to such. Forgetting me like I never existed. Every night like this one,I always have questions such as;was I a bad girlfriend?If I wasn't, then why was I treated that way by him?well other people would say it was never meant to be.But if it wasn't then why did I feel a deeper connection between us?like he needed me more than I ever would want him.I felt the unexplained energy,connection,confidence and all in one stranger to start with.Its strange right?it's bullshit I know. People would say,this lady not gurl actually,was obsessed. How obsessed from the first glimpse of his face?Am confused well have always been confused and am the only one who knows this. Few ex's would say positive things about their significant ex's and am one of those hooligans.. Have learnt alot from him those I would try to elaborate and those everyone have gone through so no need of me re-telling. Living in a new city with new people but the worst of it all,I can't find the motherfucker I can fall in love with or vice-versa.Am really stupid not vice versa but none reaches to my heart over here.Am I still holding on to the pain?or do I still want the one who got away?Either way,am scared of falling head over heels for anyone or worse yet,toy with his feelings or rather mine.. Did I mention the guy I had accepted in the process of forgetting the guy who took away my innocence?Oh no!worry not,am here to explain.. Maurice is my recent ex I loved momentum but sadly he loved me deeply in my own thoughts than I did.It was a distance relationship and sometimes I wanted to be serious but the other part desliked this idea.He was a good guy but sadly we called it quits,it did pain me a little but not as compared to the pain I felt when Ryan first broke up with me. When Ryan first broke my heart,I felt like my world had torned into pieces.The pain I felt was excruciating such that I couldn't take the rise and fall of my heart rhythm.It felt like the wind scooped all of my clothings leaving me land on mount Kilimanjaro the coldest I guess.the heat and coldness swept me like I was some sort of a paper. With time I got used then he resurrected from where he and God knows where.Making me believe and fall for him all over again...how couldn't I accept him when every inch of mine belonged to him already?Yeah! I did accept him back and the ecstasy,the passion rekindled once again in a sparkle of a moment. Who knows a traveler is always on the run from one spot to the next better than I do?Well he had disappeared again for the seventh time in a row.