Fated Mates: The Beta

Jocelyn I stared out of the window of my new apartment and stared at the gray building across from my own. A woman and a man were moving across their own windows, naked, their bodies mashed together. His hands moved over the woman's body slowly, reverently and she threw her head back with what looked like a moan. Nothing.I felt absolutely nothing. I turned back to my dishes, feeling that while I had been spying on the couple, my water had grown cold. I looked at the bubbles disappearing quickly in the corner of the sink. I sighed and drained the water, taking all of the dishes out of the sink to start over again. I turned on the scalding hot water and let the water run over my hands until my skin turned pink, the pain somehow, someway getting through the walls I had built up since...I grit my teeth and shook my head. I took my hands out from under the hot water and pushed all of the baby bottles back into the sink, the plates and cups I had accumulated over the last couple of weeks, everything that I had been too lazy to do. I glared down at the bubbles starting to form up again and began scrubbing at the baby's bottles, watching all of the grime from the formula wash out and float on the surface of my clean water. I did every dish mechanically, one after the other until soon I had finally finished my giant pile of dishes I had neglected. I rinsed out the dishes, piling them up messily on a dish draining rack by the sink. As I dried my hands on a dish towel, I heard a small cry from down the hallway of my two bedroom apartment and rushed to him. He sat up with his chubby arms extended with a giant, toothless grin. His hand clutched at the air, waiting for me to pick him up. I smiled down at him, my only piece of Heaven on earth. I picked him up, feeling his weight in my arms. His diaper was full after his nap,I I changed him and cooed at his gorgeous face. I wondered if he knew that his father was gone. I wondered if he missed him. I knew that sometimes he would cry uncontrollably and it wasn't me that he wanted. When Josh would do his weekly visits, he would gravitate to Josh and would cling to him the entire one hour visit. I wiped angrily under my eyes with the back of my hand and continues changing his wet diaper. I picked him up into my arms and took him to my favorite spot in my apartment, my rocking chair. I had it moved with us after everything went down and it held a special place in my heart. I still remembered the day that Danny had brought it home. I had been sitting on the couch watching our favorite TV show, before our cable got cut, and the front door opened. Calvin and Danny walked in carrying the faded chair in between the both of them, Danny wearing a big, proud smile. He set it beside the couch and clapped his hands together with his eyebrows raised. "What do you think?" I stared at the wood that was splintering from the arms and the faded spots on the seat of the chair and on the arms. One of the rods from the back was missing and honestly, it looked kind of crappy. "It looks like a rocking chair." I supplied. His smile faltered and he looked down at it then back up at me. "I'm going to sand it down and varnish it. I even found a small piece of wood that will fit in the back too." I smiled at him and stood up from the couch and touched it. It rocked slowly back and forth and I nodded. "Then I think that it's the best gift ever." I sat down in the chair now, holding onto Wyatt tightly, trying to not let the hole in my chest devour me, thinking of him. I rocked us gently and he wriggled around in my arms, wanting to do his new favorite thing and crawl. I set him down at the foot of the chair and watched him pad around, running my finger over the ends where he had forgotten to sand the splinters down. I took a deep shaky breath and tried to concentrate on right now. I watched Wyatt crawl towards a toy I had left on the floor. He sat up and waved his chubby arms around, batting at it. I closed my eyes for a second and tried to smell something, anything that would help calm my nerves. It was a small coping technique that Elena had told me about before everything had happened. Center yourself by triggering all of your senses. I can feel the splinters of the wood on my fingers. I can see my son playing with his toy, I can smell the garbage in the corner of the kitchen, piled up from me not taking it out, and I can hear my son's laughter as he accidentally pushes the button that makes his toy make noise.The only thing I couldn't do was taste anything. It didn't even matter if I ate anything right now. Everything had lost its luster. I concentrate on it all and for a few seconds it succeeds, until Wyatt makes a face that is all Danny's and I can't help but let another tear escape. He raised one of his eyebrows and grinned widely. I ran my hand over my face and decided I needed to get up and keep myself busy because I can't sit and let all of these thoughts plague me. I can't afford to let myself lose my mind. It was hard enough not having Peri inside of me to help me cope, to talk to me, to help me let out my anger. I walked to the small kitchenette, tied up the trash bag, stuffing the overflow into it as much as I could and hefting it out of the can. I placed the bag next to the trash can and grabbed a new bag out from under the sink. I glanced over at Wyatt to make sure he's still in my eyesight and quickly put the trash bag into the can and shut the lid. I walk to the fridge to see what I can snack on, even though it was hard to keep anything down and look at the lone ketchup bottle on the top shelf of my otherwise empty fridge. I forgot that I needed to go shopping today. I look down at my holey leggings and Danny's oversized t-shirt and sigh again. I gather my tangled nest of hair onto the top of my head in a messy bun and grab Wyatt off of the floor. I dress him quickly and grab his backpack full of diapers, wipes, formula and extra clothes in case of emergencies and slip on my house shoes. I find that there's no point in me getting dressed up to go anywhere. I don't want attention. I don't need it. The only man I want is dead and there will be no one else for me. I buckle Wyatt up securely in his seat and start my car. It was my old car from before I left the pack to be with Danny. My dad had made sure that even though I hated his guts, I had everything I needed. I didn't have a job because the pack paid for all of my needs, even though I didn't want any of it. Alpha Matthew and my dad had gone all out with a nice apartment and brand new furniture and a full nursery for Wyatt, as if that could ever replace what was taken from me. I turned the radio on to drown out my thoughts and drove slowly to towards the grocery store. They moved me out of the pack the day after they took my whole world away from me. I was a human now, so I wasn't allowed to be in pack lands and for a month now, I have been living in Atlanta, by myself with Wyatt. I got calls daily from my mom and visits weekly by Josh, but it didn't change the fact that I would never have the family I wanted. They treated me like a broken piece of China. Like I was fragile. Which in all reality, I was. I hated seeing the pity in Josh's eyes every time he walked through my door and saw my apartment in disarray. I hated hearing my mom cry over the phone because she missed me and hear her promises of coming to visit me, even though she hadn't quite made the time for it yet. And I hated how no one wanted to talk about how my mate was executed right in front of me to teach me a lesson. Everyone danced around the fact that I wasn't whole anymore. They pretended like his life didn't matter and only asked me about Wyatt and how he was and how he was progressing and how cute he was. He had most of my looks, but his eyes were Danny and I knew that every time they looked at him, they would be reminded of what they stole from him, from me. I pulled into the grocery store and was about to kill the car when a song started to play. My hands shook and the floodgates that I had been holding back, opened with a force so strong I didn't know how to even begin to hold it back. It was our song. The song that we danced to in Nashville. The song that he played for me on his phone at our house in Salem and we danced to in our livingroom. The song that reminded me of every kiss, every touch that I was missing now. My heart tore to pieces and I sobbed hard in the front seat, the music washing over me. Wyatt began crying and in that moment I knew what I had to do. I wiped my eyes and as soon as the song was over, I began driving. I drove for an hour before I stopped to feed Wyatt at a truck stop. I stared down at his beautiful face and cried some more, because he didn't know. And I hoped to keep it that way. I didn't want him to know the pain I was dealing with. I hoped he never had to go through it himself. He fell asleep again after his bottle and I resumed my drive. My stomach was in knots as I drove right up to the border. I parked the car right outside and stepped out and sat on the hood. It didn't take long for a warrior to pass by and stop in front of me. He eyed me curiously as I grabbed Wyatt's car seat out of the car and his back pack and placed him gently on the ground right on the border line. I crouched down beside him and stared at his beautiful face. I clenched my jaw and stroked his cheek gently before I stood up with a jerk and scooted his seat into the border. "Take him to Joyce Daniels. Tell her that I needed to run a few errands that he couldn't come to and I'll be back for him later." The warrior looked down at Wyatt with soft eyes and I knew he wouldn't hurt him. He was just a pup. It didn't matter that his father was a murderer and his mother a traitor. He was innocent. "This backpack has everything he needs." I kicked the backpack gently into the border and stepped back as he picked it up and slung it over his shoulder. "Should I tell Beta Daniels you came by?" "I already told him I was coming. I just need for you to get him to my mom." my voice trembled but I couldn't break. Not yet. The warrior nodded slowly, picking up the car seat with ease. I backed away to the car, feeling the hole begin to swallow me up. Part of me wanted to go back and snatch my kid from him and hold him tightly to my chest, but the other side of me knew I couldn't.I swallowed hard and got into the car before I could change my mind and began driving, not daring to look back or I would lose my nerve.