Letters With Boys

Bridget's Journal, Week 12 - December

December 1st

Well, we kissed.

I’m officially terrified.

The circumstances worked in my favor that time, but what’s to say they will in the future? Or, worse, what if someone was around when she kissed me in the seemingly empty parking lot of the Black Cat about four hours after they closed?

I tried to talk to Kai about all this, but he just got all frazzled and awkward. It’s not the gay thing that’s making him feel awkward, I think, but the having to keep it from Tally thing.

I wish things were going better between those two. I really can’t believe they’re the ones having issues, and not Mem and Gray. Still sort of waiting for the other shoe to drop there, though of course I hope it doesn’t.

Anyway, Kai wants me to tell the girls, and I know he’s right. Even all wrapped up in their own romantic s**t, they still make an effort to spend time with me—like the day before Thanksgiving, when we all got together to help Tal remember, and forget, that it was the anniversary of her dad’s death.

I’d tell you more about that, but I don’t think I can go to that dark of a place right now. Maybe I’ll try again tomorrow.

Love,

Me

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

December 2nd

Well, with no developments made in Taylor world (she wants to hang out again, but now that we’ve kissed, obviously that won’t be possible), I might as well tell you the f****d-up story about Tally’s dad.

His name was Roy, and he was that sort of gruff, tough-on-the-outside, sweet-on-the-inside, Ron Swanson type. He made some people nervous, but not anyone in the immediate family, and not me and Mem, either, once we got to know him.

I never really knew that he was depressed. I mean, I was too young, I guess, to understand depression. I’ve asked Tally about it since then—only a handful of times, as I never want to bring up the subject of her dad and make her sad—and she says she knew. Which, somehow, seems almost worse to me than her not having known, because I have a feeling she blames herself—like if she’d done enough to cheer him up, it wouldn’t have happened.

I don’t think that’s how it works, but I’m no expert.

Anyway, when it happened, she became really quiet. I mean, she was already quiet, but she even became quiet with us, her best friends. I think part of it was that Mem had only moved here from Brooklyn less than a year earlier, and was already “dating” (if you can call it that) Matt, so we weren’t as close as we are now.

In fact, in a f****d-up sort of way, I think maybe it was Tally’s dad’s death that made us that close.

Anyway, she did have one, true breakdown with us. It was at his funeral, where her mom had asked all three kids to speak on their father’s behalf, since she herself, poor woman, was in total emotional turmoil at that point and could barely speak. Tally’s brothers went first, and they weren’t particularly good speeches—you know how boys can be. Tally’s was good, but she’s no writer, and she freaked out thinking her dad would be going on to the next plane of existence without a proper, you know, send off.

So Tally ran out of the church, sobbing, and Mem and I went after her, and she told us what was wrong, and Mem said, “I don’t think you should read off a sheet of paper.”

I remember thinking that was risky—you know, that Tally might say something she’d regret if she went off-book. But Tally ended up taking her advice, and I swear to you, it was the most devastating thing I’ve ever seen. The words poured out of her as much as the tears, and she told real stories about him as they came to her—some good, some bad—and she talked, raw and honest, about how much she was going to miss him, and it turned out Mem was right, after all.

Sometimes I wish Mem would take her own advice, though, and talk through some of her own s**t that openly and honestly with us.

Then again, I’m not exactly one to talk.

Love,

Me

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

December 4th

Hey Diary,

Sorry I skipped a day yesterday. I skipped class to go on—you guessed it—another date with Taylor.

Yeah, yeah, I know I said I wouldn’t. But when she suggested playing hooky to go catch a movie, how could I say no? The best way not to run into people I know is to go during school hours, isn’t it? Plus, the movie theaters are dark, which means no one will see you kissing.

Which we did a lot of.

I really, really like her, diary. Like… bad. If you had asked me to write up what my dream girl was like, it wouldn’t have been her, but now that I’ve met her, I think that description would change. Does that make sense?

Her singing voice is incredible, by the way. Like a white Beyonce. (I mean, no one can really hold a candle to Queen Bey, but she was close.) She was really embarrassed to sing for me, but I made her, anyway, right before we split up for the day.

Uh-oh. She just texted me. More tomorrow.

Love,

Me

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

December 5th

Well, she wants to hang out this weekend.

What should I do? Should I just tell her the truth—that I’m in the closet? What if she dumps me for that?

If the alternative is not hanging with her at all, shouldn’t I at least try?

I haven’t brought this up to Kai, who’s officially in desperation mode trying to get back into Tally’s good graces. I haven’t brought it up to Tally, either, for similar reasons, nor to Mem, who’s so, stupidly happy, I couldn’t bear to do anything to make her less so.

So I sort of feel alone again, but that’s okay.

I’m not sure yet what I’ll do, but I know that I have to do something. She’s way too good of a kisser—and smart, funny, and nice—to just do nothing and let her fade away.

So I guess I’ll figure out what that something is and get back to you.