Letters With Boys

Memphis and Gray, Week 13 - December

Gray,

Well, you’re officially an insider now.

Are you okay? You handled the Todd thing well, you know. It wasn’t your fault at all, and you even helped de-escalate the problem, which is really not an easy thing to do. (If you’ll recall, I just sort of stood in the corner of the room, staring at him.)

Anyway, you got pretty quiet after that and left pretty quick, but I don’t blame you. Things get tense after his episodes, and I wouldn’t have wanted to subject you to that.

The trip to your dad’s cabin sounds nice, if he really won’t care that we use it. I’ll mention it to my parents tonight. It won’t be easy on them to have to look after Todd without me, but I guess they’ll have to get used to it at some point, if I’m ever going to get out of here.

You’re correct that I only met Ezra the one time. I mean, I probably crossed paths with him at a party or two along the way without realizing who he was, but it does seem weird I’m having dreams about him. (Well, just the one dream so far.)

Please don’t beat him up again. We’ve talked about this, Gray.

Love,

Mem

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Mem,

I’m really sorry for running off like an asshole. I’m even more sorry that now you’re asking if I’m okay. I’m fine, Mem—are you okay? 

You seemed to forget, in your description of yourself standing in the corner of the room, staring at your brother, that he had just slapped you so hard, the neighbors probably heard it. So, rather than standing and staring, you were quivering and clutching your rapidly reddening cheek in shock. Which is a whole other thing, Mem. It was really upsetting.

Does that happen often, where he gets violent?

I really don’t like that he hurt you. I also don’t like that I couldn’t just beat him up, like I normally would if I found out anyone hurt you. I mean, of course I’d never beat up your autistic kid brother, but you know what I mean.

I agree that forcing your parents to handle Todd without you when we go to the cabin will be a good way to train them for what’s coming. Because I know you’re going to get into one of those schools, Mem, and I don’t want you using up any excuses to not go, like that your parents need your help with your brother. I know you, and I know you will try.

So, I’ll talk to my dad about the cabin tonight. How did it go talking to yours?

I won’t beat up Ezra, or anyone else for that matter. I just like to offer every now and then, so that you remember I have some sort of use beyond telling you that you’re sexy and funny and sweet and an excellent kisser, and that I love you.

Also, I feel like I should gently re-ask you about therapy with Kai’s mom. Last time we chatted you said you stopped going because you were happy. Have you reconsidered, and/or decided that you were unhappy enough to return?

Love,

Gray

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Gray,

Please don’t feel any sort of way about the slapping thing. It was nothing. The slapping and kicking and hitting and all of that is all nothing to me, as he’s scrawny anyway and doesn’t pack much into it, and also I’ve become pretty accustomed to it. Sometimes he bites and scratches, which hurts a little more. But usually he stops if you really, you know, scream or cry. 

Also, I don’t really think he’ll do any of that to you, at least for a long while. He never really physically lashed out like that at Matt. He only really does it to me and my parents—to the people he knows the best, I guess. So you shouldn’t have to worry about that.

I didn’t get a chance to ask them about the trip on Monday, because Todd was still kind of coming down from Sunday’s episode and it didn’t feel like the right timing. But yesterday I brought it up, and they were actually really cool about it. Said they like and trust you and that I’d be “in good hands,” which isn’t a very feminist thing to say, but whatever.

They also said they will hire a nanny to help while I’m gone, which makes me feel bad, as I know they don’t have a lot of extra money for that. But I won’t look the gift horse in the mouth too much, as I really am looking forward to the trip. How did it go with your dad?

I know you were probably just kidding about your “uses,” but I feel the need to tell you that you are useful for a lot more than you said in your letter, Gray. Like making me smile, for example, and making me laugh. And having all these hidden talents, like woodworking and building boats. And also for respecting boundaries and not going too far with someone who probably doesn’t make it easy for you to not go too far, since she’s seemingly down for anything, yet would likely have a panic attack if that “anything” actually happened.

So there.

Love,

Mem

P.S.: Tal got into NYU early admission! So, we’re throwing her a little party this weekend at Bridget’s to celebrate. And I guess you’re invited.

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Mem,

You’re breaking my heart here in so many different ways, I’m not even sure which to address first. I didn’t even know it was possible for a heart to break in a good way, but I think that’s some of what I’m feeling? So happy that I’m sad, maybe?

But also the regular kind, where I’m so sad that I’m sad, because of what you said about Todd. I mean, how long has he been that way? Violent and hitting you and biting you and scratching you? Are those marks on your arms and, erm, certain other parts of you that I have had the pleasure of witnessing actually from Todd and not, as you said, from dog sitting the neighbors’ violent dog?

(You really shouldn’t lie to me, Mem. I was thinking about doing something about that dog, who kept hurting you, like maybe calling animal control or something. I really like dogs, so I probably wouldn’t have. But still.)

I really don’t like this situation as I really don’t like the thought of you getting hurt and my not being able to do anything about it. And now I can’t stop picturing those little marks on your pretty, ivory skin.

It went alright with my dad. He lectured me about how this is how it starts, and how women are only after one thing, and blah, blah, blah. He asked me a little about you, then got bored and said “don’t knock her up” and that he’d mail me the key to the cabin. So, you know, I guess the mission was successful.

It’s interesting how you talk about my “respect for boundaries” and your being “seemingly down for anything,” because I think you’re giving me a little too much credit. For example, if you knocked me onto my bed wearing some, sexy little corset, stripped my clothes off, and told me to make love to you, I probably wouldn’t be able to say no to you. But that’s not how it is. All I’ve really been doing is letting you call the shots, you know—remove whatever clothing you feel is appropriate, touch whatever you are comfortable touching, et cetera. And waiting for you to tell me when you feel ready.

So I guess my question is, if you do at some point tell me you feel ready for s*x, do I pretend not to hear you, or do I… well, you catch my drift?

Also, you didn’t answer my question about therapy, so I’m gently re-re-asking.

Love,

Gray

P.S.: Down for Tally’s NYU celebratory party. Just like I’ll be down to attend yours once you get in.

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Gray,

The neighbor’s dog seems violent, so calling animal control probably wouldn’t have been the worst thing in the world, but no, I have never pet-sat it, and yes, those little marks are from Todd.

Sorry for lying. I had a feeling you would get upset about it, though not quite as upset as you seem. Anyway, there’s not really a point in lingering on it, since there’s nothing to be done.

Your dad really sounds like a treat. You can tell him to rest assured that I’ve been on the pill since I was 16, but as for the “only after one thing” bit, well, he’s right. I’m only after you for your money, Gray. Better get the pre-nup ready, and hide the marble dolphin statues.

(I don’t know why my mind went to marble dolphin statues. I think maybe Bridget’s parents have some of those in their mansion? I’m not really sure what expensive items rich people have that less rich people would steal.)

Okay, so, the s*x thing.

The way you wrote that really got me thinking. Remember when I told you that I use s*x to try to erase what’s written in ink—as if it might replace bad memories with less bad ones?

Well, I’ve decided that’s not entirely true. Not once, even with Matt, have I actually initiated s*x. I’ve never put on a corset and stripped a man’s clothes off and told him to make love to me, as you so eloquently put it. All I’ve really done, looking back on these circumstances, is… not stop. Whatever the guy tried—however far he went—that’s how far I went.

That’s not to say that every guy I’ve been with did so against my will—not at all. But I think, on some level, that was my fear—that if I did say no, the same thing would happen to me again, and therefore it was better to just go along with it and pretend like it was what I wanted all along. Does that make sense?

All this is just to say that I think you’re the first guy who’s actually listened to me, to what my body language and my physicality and my nonverbality were telling you, and respected those boundaries, not just the things I said.  

And I know that, because of that, when I do tell you I’m ready, it will be because I’m really ready, Gray. 

And it will be soon.

Love,

Mem