Letters With Boys

Bridget's Journal, Week 13 - December

December 8th

Hello, Diary.

Well, I still haven’t told her.

In fact, I blew her off altogether.

I was able to say it in a way that bought me a little time, at least. I told her that my friends are going through a lot—which isn’t particularly true in this exact moment, but is generally true of those poor souls—and that I might have to push any further hangouts til Christmas break.

Then—and this is where I got either really smart or really stupid, depending how you look at it—I suggested we go on a road trip to the Poconos.

Well, the Adirondacks were already taken—thanks, Gray.

Anyway, I know it’s kind of insane, but I just thought, what better way to spend time with Taylor and not have to worry about running into people? Right?

The worst part was, she was totally on board. Which actually made me feel really depressed, you know, because she clearly likes me a lot if she’s willing to go on a road trip with me, and the fact that I’m not being honest to someone who likes me makes me sad.

Technically, I’m not being honest to several people who like me.

I almost told Mem and Tal on Saturday. Okay, maybe not almost, but it was nice, hanging out with them like old times, and I felt really comfortable and easy and in my element, and they were both happy for a change, and I thought, you know, now’s right. Now’s the time.

But then the first words that came out of my mouth were, “I don’t want you guys to hate me,” and just that alone made them all worried and teary-eyed and emotional, and I guess I just thought, Jesus, if that’s how they react to one, little sentence, how are they going to react to the actual news?

It’s probably just an excuse, but it’s all I have for now.

When I finally work up some guts, I’ll let you know.

Love,

Me

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December 9th

Hello Diary,

Taylor and I had the best text conversation ever last night. It started all innocent and cute and flirty, you know, sort of Tally/Kai vibes, but then it got… well, a little hot and heavy. Which, I guess, could be considered more Mem/Gray vibes.

I was so nervous, I think, when I kissed her before, to take anything to the “hot and heavy” level. But I’m feeling strangely emboldened by our conversation—and I’m really starting to look forward to Christmas break.

Love,

Me

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December 10th

Morning, Diary,

So, Tally got into NYU. And not just into NYU, but like, spot on the volleyball team, athletic scholarship, whole-kit-and-kaboodle in.

And I’m happy for her—ecstatic, really. I mean that. I’m even throwing her a surprise congratulations party this weekend. But then it got me thinking… how would I react if I got into my dream school?

It’s Columbia, by the way—my dream school. My parents would rather I go to Harvard or Yale, their alma maters, but it was always Columbia for me. We always said we’d all go to New York schools—me, Tally, and Mem, I mean. At least, until Mem decided to pull a fast one on us and not apply at all. (Though I think the latest on that is that she did end up applying, thanks to Gray.)

Anyway, I can’t shake this sinking feeling that I won’t even be excited if—okay, when, in all likelihood—I get into Columbia. 

Really, what do I even want with my life? Do I really want to be President of the United States? Or do I just want to be… me?

Food for thought…

Me

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December 11th

Hello again.

I’ve been thinking more about Columbia, and about being president. Who’s to say I can’t do it all, and still be myself? I mean, Buttigieg was in the running there for a minute, wasn't he?

I grabbed ice cream with Kai yesterday. Things have been going better with him and Tally, and I thought maybe he’d have a few minutes to spare to deal with my problems, given, you know, that he’s the only one who knows about them.

He was nice, though very insistent, as always, that I tell my friends the truth. 

“What are you going to do when you go to college?” he asked me then. “Surely you won’t keep hiding it? College is the most accepting place in the world for someone like you, Bridge. There would be no reason to.”

He’s right—I know he is. And it is possible, you know, that I get there and finally just start being honest about my identity. I mean, anything’s possible.

But that also wasn’t his main point. I know exactly what his main point was: that if I’m going to finally come out of the closet in college, why not tell my friends now?

I wish I could talk to Taylor about this. For all I know, she’d be super cool and supportive about it. I mean, assuming she’s out of the closet—which it seems pretty clear that she is—than she must have been through all this pretty recently. Surely she’d have some good advice to give.

Only… then she’d know that I was in the closet. And she’d probably decide I’m more trouble than I’m worth.

God, I’m pathetic.

Love,

Me

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December 12th

Dear Diary,

That’s it—I’ve decided.

At tomorrow’s party, I’m going to get nice and drunk, wait until all the bozos have gone home, take Tally and Mem aside, and tell them the truth.

I know what you’re thinking. Wouldn’t this be better done sober, Bridget?

Well, sorry, but it sounds a whole lot easier to do it drunk, and I’m gonna need all the help I can get.

Kai has already offered his support in whatever way possible, which is nice. I told him that when I give him the signal, I’ll need him to distract Gray so I can get Mem alone—a feat that becomes harder and harder by the week with those two.

I also told him that I’ll need him to hug me when it’s over, and possibly to comfort me, if it goes badly.

It’s not that I fear they won’t accept me—I know they will. It’s just that I fear they won’t forgive me, for all the years of hiding and lying and… just… everything.

This is the first step, though. Once I tell them, I can tell everyone else. And then maybe I can see Taylor outside of the Poconos.

Wish me luck.

Love,

Me