BECOMING MY EX's SURROGATE

CONCERN

“A lot. A lot.” The last part came out in a whisper, like he didn’t mean to repeat himself.

Is anything the matter with him? Where did the smile disappear? Why doesn’t he seem happy? Or isn't he? "Let's have breakfast before it gets cold.” He speaks before my curiosity can parade itself again.

I should let him be. I am swimming in a tangle of problems myself. I have my own dilemmas to deal with, which I have no way of handling at all. I cannot be of any help to any burdened soul right now. My own basket of problems is overflowing. And he just added more weight to this heavy load. I slept with a married man, and worst of all, I enjoyed it like I had all the legal rights to it. I am still getting a tickle of fresh longings just at the mere thought of him.

Ooh, Liam. What did we do?

“Here.” He spke.

spokeI didn’t know I was lost in thoughts until he waved the bathrobe in front of my eyes as he crouched beside me.

I take the robe and wait for him to give me some privacy to dress up. But I doubt he is even contemplating looking away. He is ogling me like I am some piece of meat he wants to devour. Well, he did that already; I'm extremely sore down there from that. Was that not enough?

“Liam?" I call, snapping him from his ogling state.

I may be right or wrong. But I feel something odd about him. All is strange, from how he came here.

“Sorry. Just that, this reminds me of our old times.” He says this, meeting my eyes.

I swallow hard, my mind playing a recap of our sweet memories together—the joy, the laughter, the burning love, how we understood each other. It was bliss to be with him.

But why is he even going there?

Before I could wander further into this curiosity and confusion, he saved me the trouble. He takes my bathrobe and helps me wrap it around my body. The contact with our skin doesn’t only affect me. I saw his Adam's apple move up and down as he swallowed hard to feel that sensation. He even stopped for a second when our skin brushed, but he got hold of his feelings right on time, saving us from committing another sin.

What is happening to us? No. Rephrase that. The best question should be, Why is this happening to me?

Again, before I can bang my head with all these disarrays, he comes to my rescue, but this time around, he leaves bewildered as he scoops me up in his arms, carrying me bridal style downstairs. All I can do is hug his neck tight like the old times, clinging to him like I don’t want to ever let him go, and savor his sweet, alluring pheromones more than I savor oxygen.

As he sweetly and gently parks me on the seat in the dining area, where the aroma of scrambled eggs and rosemary tea is inviting from afar, I can’t help but wonder what this re-encounter is all about. Why, after so long, has he popped like a bumblebee into my life when I have no one?

“Welcome.” He says this as he hands me a cup of the aromatic tea.

“Thank you, Liam.” I say this honestly because I appreciate him going through the effort to do this. My belly is more enthusiastic than I am since it can't stop rumbling. And I see him smirk every time it makes that annoying noise. “What?” I ask when he smirks again for the nth time. I swear he even forgot to eat just to watch me and listen to my rumbling stomach.

And now he produces that charming smirk that always leaves me smiling back at it like an i***t. And it's making my face heat up like before.

“Don’t neglect yourself like that again. Please.” He says it's more of a plea.

“And you should never cloak that smile again.” I brat out. Huh? Are we now back to our old selves? Talking about anything and everything? I met his eyes. “I mean, this is how I know you. The ever-smiling Liam.” I add.

“Copy that.” He says this while sipping his tea while I pour myself another one. I was about to succumb to starvation. Gosh! “So, how are you?” He adds, and that, for a moment, takes away the appetite I was developing.

How am I? I am a complete package of problems, mess, and immense pain. I am everything that no one would want to be right now. Alone. Sinking into debts. Lost. Hopeless. My name should no longer be Lynda, but Pain. I am all that pain depicts.

"It's been a roller-coaster, to say the least. Life has thrown so many spontaneous curveballs my way. I do not even know whether I should even be glad that I am alive." I reply with all sincerity.

"I am so sorry, Lynn. I heard about your loss. I can't imagine what you've been going through." Liam says this in an apologetic tone, resting his arms across the table.

"Thank you. It's been a devastating journey, but I will be fine. I guess. I don't know, but maybe someday I will be fine.” I retort with uncertainty.

Actually, it's more of a lie because, heck! How can I get out of all this—the losses? The sorrows? The pains? How will I recoup? And the debts? How on earth will I repay them? I don’t even have a job as it is. I resigned from my former job to take care of my mother and looked for part-time jobs. Gosh!

"I want you to know that I've always wanted the best for you, Lynn. Even after we went our separate ways. Hearing about your loss was heartbreaking for me. That’s why I couldn’t go back without seeing how you are holding up.” He says it again, with sincerity heavily detected in his tone.

“Thank you. I appreciate your concern.” I say this with honest appreciation.

“So, what do you plan to do now?” He bangs me with a question that I would dodge like a catastrophe if I could.

I am not the kind to avoid confronting my issues or facing reality. But this is the first, and it scares me to death. Where exactly do I begin putting my life in order? This tunnel is so dark that there is no sense of any light ahead. That is why I wanted to just close my eyes last night and never wake up to this nightmare again. Why did he have to reappearing like a ghost and toss me back into this mess when I wanted to shut myself out? How do I face all the problems ahead of me?