She was Her Desire

So it Begins

Stacy woke up before Jess, who had wrapped her arm around her the entire night. It had been a long time before she woke up naked, next to someone she really liked. Jess was special, she had met other people, especially butch women but none of them was like her. It felt really special to be with her. She watched her beautiful face, Jess seemed to be at peace. She slowly took her arm off and went to the bathroom. She hoped that she would not wake her up at all.

In the shower, she could not stop thinking about the night she had had. There was no woman in the world who had made her feel the way she did. She remembered how Jess’ touch felt on her body, the way she made her feel and she knew she wanted her to stay in her life. She wrapped a towel around her and turned off the shower and stepped out of the bathroom to find Jess in the kitchen, dressed in a black sports bra and a short. She was busy cooking something, probably breakfast.

“Hey, so what’s your plan, to sneak out on me?” Jess asked with a broad smile on her face.

“You got me!” Stacy responded as she walked to the dressing table.

“So, umh, about last night...”Jess was saying when Stacy cut her off.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to worry about it at all.” She said as she pulled her dress on and signaled Jess to help her zip it up.

That is how it all started with Stacy. The two ladies continued to see each other for weeks that turned into months. They grew to like each other more but there was something Jess couldn’t understand, the way she felt about Stacy. She had been in love before, or at least that is what she told herself, but it didn’t feel the same with Stacy. She cared for her but she was not sure if she wanted to be with her, even when Stacy confessed she loved her. She had said it back abruptly, she didn’t know if she meant it. She would never want to hurt her or lose her yet she wasn’t sure about her own feelings towards Stacy.

Six months down the line, they had grown fond of each other, practically living together as Stacy had almost moved to Jess’. Jess loved having her around, she loved going home to somebody. Every time she thought of defining her feelings to Stacy, she couldn’t. She just played along until she met Scarlet. She got even more lost trying to figure out what she felt for both of the girls who seemed to adore her. Was it just lust or was she holding on to someone for the fear of hurting them? Thoughts run through her mind every night before she went to bed. She needed to figure this out as soon as possible.

One week after she landed her new job at HO Marketing Agency, she invited Scarlet to her house warming party. The turn up was great. Stacy had been in the house all week long and as expected she came to the party. She was gorgeous but for some reason, she didn’t seem comfortable sitting with Jess. It was like she didn’t want anyone to know that she was dating her. Scarlet arrived to the party looking beautiful. Everyone in the room went silent when she walked in. She walked in dressed in a white dress and black coat, probably the most beautiful girl in that party. Jess went to meet her and take her coat.

“Hey, you made it!” She exclaimed as she leaned in for a hug. Yet again, she brought wild thoughts to her. Jess was expecting a light hug but it got tighter. They both could feel each other. This was the most confusing moment for Jess. She never thought she would be this attracted to Scarlet, in the presence of her girlfriend. She wanted to resist the attraction, she wanted to deny what she felt at that moment. Never had she been turned on by someone by just a hug, a friendly hug. She brushed the desire off, how could she do that to her girlfriend. She wasn’t that type of a person, thoughts were streaming in her head at that moment.

They walked over to where Stacy was sitting. Jess hoped that she wouldn’t read the desire in her eyes, she couldn’t look at her in the eye. She felt horrible for being attracted to another person but she couldn’t help it.

“Stacy, this is Scarlet,my workmate.” Jess said introducing the two ladies to each other. “And Scarlet, meet Stacy, my girlfriend.” She added.

“Nice to meet you,” Scarlet said to Stacy as they all walked to the kitchen where all the drinks were.

The night was still young. Jess was nervous the whole time and decided to pour herself a drink.

“So what are you drinking Scarlet?” She asked reaching out to the fridge. “Pour yourself anything you want.” Jess added, avoiding eye contact with Scarlet.

Jess poured herself a glass of whiskey while Scarlet settled for wine before they went back to the living room, now full of people. Jess hopes that the alcohol would calm her nerves but the more tipsy she got, the more she got to like Scarlet. The party went on, people were having fun, Scarlet and Jess decided to move away from the crowd and the loud music. Maybe this way they would finally talk about all the tension between them.

“Thanks for coming by the way.” Jess started, even with the help of the liquor she couldn’t face her.

“Aaah, don’t thank me, I wanted to get away from the house.” Scarlet said,reaching out to hold her hand.

For a moment, the two went silent and the tension was back again, even when they were tipsy. They just sat there, watching the stars and still holding hands. At that very moment, they were all alone. Jess let herself feel. She held Scarlet’s hand tighter in hers. Her breathing got heavier. She again felt the need to suppress her desire but she was unable to. She turned to Scarlet and their eyes met, for the first time since they met. Jess knew she would not be able to fight it. She pulled her and kissed her, hoping she would kiss back. Scarlet could not resist either. She kissed her back, it felt like she had been waiting for this moment all her life. Never in her life had she wanted someone the way she did that night, at least not a girl.

After about two minutes of ecstasy, the two ladies broke away from each other’s lips. They looked at each other in the eye, there was something special about that night. They stayed out for a few hours until it was dawn. It probably had come way too fast than they had wanted. Holding hand, they went back to the house where almost everyone had left already. The remaining individuals were all asleep, including Stacy. Jess felt guilty for what had ensued that night. She had never been in that situation ever before in her life. She did love Stacy and yet she couldn’t keep herself from wanting Scarlet, she was attracted to more than her beauty, she had this beautiful soul that related to hers.

“Last night was fun,” Scarlet said as she prepared herself to leave later that morning. She had been nervous and reluctant to tell her what she really felt for Jess but after that night, she knew everything would be smooth now. However, she was not sure where she wanted that to go.

“I really, really like you Scarlet.” Jess said as she reached out for Scarlet’s hand. She knew for sure that she wanted her, not only did she turn her on but it felt just right to be with her. She could not understand why something, termed by the universe as wrong, felt so right in her heart.

“You do? I like you to but you do know it’s wrong, right?” Scarlet said, withdrawing her hand from Jess’.

“Does it feel wrong to you?” Jess asked, frowning her face. “It may sound selfish but I have never been in this position before and I don’t know what to do about it. Not at all.” She added.

“I don’t know what to do either. I want to have you but I really can’t have you given that you are with someone else.” Scarlet said. “I probably should apologize for what happened last night. I really didn’t mean to hurt anyone in the process.” She added.

Scarlet left Jess’ house that morning, carrying with herself one of the best memories she’d ever have in her life. Jess on the other hand could not stop thinking of Scarlet. For so many reasons, she wished she was single, she wanted to be with her but she remembered how she had been messed up by falling for someone too fast. She had someone who actually cared for her, or at least that’s what Stacy had said. The only thing that pushed them apart was disagreements on so many principles in life.

Jess had been raise by up-tight parents while on the other hand Stacy was raised in a free and open-minded family. There were no strict rules for her as a child which exposed her to life early enough. She was brave unlike Jess who always calculated her moves and had missed so many opportunities because of her fear of failure. She never took chances, instead she had always settled for less and believed in fate. Stacy had changed that, she had made her experience life. That was one of the reasons why Jess had loved her in the first place.

Jess was faced with the hardest dilemma in her life. She did want to feel the affection she had for Scarlet and at the same time she was not ready to let Stacy go. There was something about her that kept her crawling back every time they disagreed. It was like she wanted the relationship but wasn’t sure how long it would last. Sometimes it felt like Stacy was actually taking advantage of her kindness but she couldn’t bring herself to live without her. And again, she was not sure of whatever she had going on with Scarlet.

Days went by, Jess could not bring herself to stop thinking about Scarlet. In a way, she was just being selfish but she didn’t know the right way to live. She didn’t want to get lost in trying to figure out whatever it is that she wanted. It scared her, every time she went to work and see Scarlet, she would get the chills. Yet again, when she thought of not being with Stacy, she felt like she would be losing one person who cared for her deeply, despite all the hurtful things she had made her go through. Sometimes it felt right to be with Stacy, sometimes she felt like she was being taken advantage of but she let her. She lost the meaning of love in the process and settled on being happy, living for the moment, although trying her best not to hurt any of them. It was probably the hardest thing anyone could ever achieve.