She was Her Desire

Was she cheating?

She was brought back from her own thought by her phone buzzing in the pocket. She hurriedly reached out to pick the call. It was Stacy. Even after seeing her for months, she had not been able to talk to her about her past experiences. In her eyes, she had always been the strong one, always having to never show her vulnerability. In one way or the other, it made her feel good that she entrusted her with being in charge but she always needed to be listened to like any other human being with feelings.

“Hello,” She answered the phone in a low tone.

“Hey, I was wondering if we could go out tonight.” Stacy said, on the other end.

“Umh, I don’t know about that, what do you have in mind?” Jess asked. She didn’t want to go out. Not after the memories she had had that day. If anything, she wanted to go home and watch something and maybe stay calm al night.

“I don’t know about that, we could try the new place around the corner. I hear they have great music.” Stacy said. She sounded excited to go out with Jess.

“Okay, sure. I might come home from work a little later than usual though.” Jess said. She never had the strength to say no to her girlfriend.

They both agreed on going out before Stacy hanged up.

“Who is that?” Jess heard a voice ask from behind her. It was Scarlet, and she wondered how log she had been watching or listening to her.

“That was Stacy.” Jess said. She didn’t want to bring up her name every time they were together but then she couldn’t lie to her either.

“Uh, okay.” Scarlet said.

Jess could see from her face that something was not right. She had been talking to Scarlet in the office but after the phone call she didn’t seem to care anymore.

“I feel like something is not right here.” Jess said to Scarlet when they were both walking home. She lived down the street, about five block away from Jess’ apartment.

“Everything is okay, why wouldn’t it be?” Scarlet asked.

“That right there is exactly what I am talking about. “ Jess said. “You sound mad at me but you won’t admit it.” She added.

“No, I am okay. Why would I be mad at you? Because your girlfriend called you at work earlier?” Scaret said angrily.

“So I take it you didn’t feel good about that call.” Jess said. She never saw this coming.

“Hell no, I don’t even care about who calls you and who doesn’t.” Scarlet said.

“You need to calm down.” Jess said as she pulled Scarlet close to her.

“You don’t have to act it out you know.” She continued. She could see jealousy written all over Scarlet’s face.

“I just like you.” Scarlet said. Her eyes were getting teary but she composed herself.

“I like you too but I don’t want to hurt you or Stacy, I just can’t.” Jess said. She had never been able to lie, at least not to the people she actually cared about.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to react that way. I have no right but I couldn’t help myself.” Scarlet said as the two ladies walked home.

Days went by, Jess still loved her job and would do anything just to keep it. However, she grew to liking Scarlet more every day. They would spend so much together to a point that in three months’ time, Jess was able to talk to her. She would be vulnerable with her because she cared.

“I don’t think we are ever going to end up together with Stacy.” Jess said one evening.

“But why? I thought you guys were good together. Weren’t you like totally in love with her the other day?” Scarlet asked.

“I think we just don’t belong together.” Jess continued.

She told her about what she was going through. Jess had started doubting her love for Stacy. Since she met Scarlet, it had felt all wrong to be with Stacy. She had felt like she hadn’t cared enough for her but she couldn’t bring herself to thinking about a life without her. She was not sure if she had ever been in love with her or if it was just out of convenience. Scarlet wanted her to fight for what was left between her and Stacy.

“I know it is not easy but you guys have always fought for what you have. If anything I actually envy the kind of relationship you guys have.” She said.

“Sometimes it is great but sometimes, thinking about it deeply, it doesn’t sound anything long-term.” Jess said.

The truth was that Stacy and Jess had something special going on for them but it wasn’t what Jess was looking for. She was the opposite of Stacy who was talkative, friendly, loved going out to clubs but they shared nothing more. While Jess was out there building her career, trying to make her life better, Stacy was just there, living for the moment. This was Jess’ main concern. She wanted to have a future with someone who had a clear vision of what they wanted in life, just someone visionary.

“I get that but you don’t have to break up for that to happen you know. You could consider inciting her into what you really think.” Scarlet said.

Scarlet wanted to be with Jess, if anything, she would have wanted her to be hers alone but she couldn’t. She couldn’t bring herself to taking someone from someone else. And there was no way she was going to share her.

“Why are you pushing me to being with her?” Jess asked.

“Because she makes you happy.” Scarlet responded. No matter how much Jess complained, Scarlet knew that Jess was still in love with Stacy. She could see it every time she called her or needed her for anything. Jess would go running to where Stacy was because there was nothing she placed above her.

“Maybe you don’t know me at all.” Jess said.

“I am just saying though. If you are not into it anymore you can always do what you want you know. Just be sure of it.” Scarlet said before they hugged goodbye.

Jess hurriedly went home for a quick shower and change of clothing. Stacy came home one hour later and she noticed that something wasn’t exactly right. Jess seemed to be angry or stressing out. This was never a good sign. Stacy had always been jovial and fun loving. She, unlike, Jess, didn’t care about saving for a house or anything. She had always taken up simple jobs until she met Jess who introduced her to the white collar jobs. At first she had been angry at her saying that she didn’t seem to accept her the way she was. Jess had assured her that she actually cared but she just wanted her to do better in life. That is when Stacy had taken up classes, with the help of Jess, and passed. She had secured a job at Thrive Global as an administration assistant. This was the moment she had fallen for Jess. She had seen it in her eyes that she loved her. She wanted to spend the rest of her life with her no matter how difficult she had been.

“What’s up with you?” She asked Jess who was playing video games on TV.

“What do you mean?” Jess asked, not turning to look at Stacy.

“Why are you in such a foul mood?” Stacy continued. She was not giving up on the issue.

“I am fine. I am just feeling a little low.” Jess said, pausing the game. She stood up and walked to her bedroom where Stacy was undressing to go have a shower.

“So are you going to tell me about it?” She insisted.

“Tell you what? I am fine.” Jess said as she sunk on her bed, letting out a sigh.

“Okay, don’t tell me about it.” Stacy said. She was always like that. Every time she noticed that Jess was not okay, she would ask about it and then act like she didn’t care anymore. Or at least that is exactly what Jess felt. She never gave her enough room for them to talk.

Jess stood up and walked back to the living room. She continued playing her game as Stacy prepared herself. Jess had planned to take her out for dinner before they went out. When Stay announced that she was ready, Jess walked back to the bedroom to get her jacket. They left the house and waked up the street. Around the corner was the new night club they were going to.

“Let’s go eat something.” Jess suggested before they entered the club.

“I kind of ate earlier. But you can totally go. I’ll wait here for you.” Stacy said, letting go of Jess’ hand. She waked into the club and Jess was left there waiting.

Jess was so hurt from Stacy’s reaction that she walked back home. She picked up some groceries before texting Stacy that she was actually not going to join her. She went back to the apartment and settled in the kitchen. Cooking was much better than eating alone but there was a void in Jess’ heart. How could Stacy do that to her, did the club mean that much to. She wanted to believe that it was all okay but she felt otherwise. Maybe she had been treated that bad all along but she hadn’t known any other way to live until she met Scarlet. Maybe Scarlet was way too caring. At that point, Jess could not tell how she felt about that particular evening.

Just minutes after midnight, Jess was worried about her girlfriend who had dumped her for the club. She had the urge to go and check on her since she was not picking up her calls. She pulled on her back hoodie and walked to the club. She only hoped that Stacy was fine, she wanted her to be alright.

When she got to the cub, all her instincts had been all right. Stacy was at the counter with a young man. She seemed to be enjoying herself but she was also way too drunk. Jess walked over to her and Stacy was somewhat scared to see her there. She rose up before Jess could approach the counter. Definitely Jess knew something was off.

“Hey baby.” Stacy said.

“Hello, so you are not going to come home or what?” Jess said. There was anger in her voice. She was trying so much not to show it but she couldn’t. “Don’t you want me to meet your friend? She asked.

“It’s not what looks like baby.” Stacy said, standing in the way of Jess.

“And what does it look like baby? It looks like you were enjoying a drink with a friend I haven’t met yet. Maybe I should meet him no, don’t you think?” Jess insisted.

Stacy was still standing in front of Jess. Jess pushed her aside and walked over to where the guy was sitting, waiting for Stacy to come back. Stacy was following her.

“Hey man.” Jess said putting her hand out to him.

“Hey…” the young man responded and shook her hand.

“I am Jess, Stacy’s girlfriend.” Jess said.

“Oh, wow! I am so sorry. I didn’t know she was seeing somebody.” He said, looking at Stacy.

Stacy stood there, not knowing what to say. She had not seen all this coming. It wasn’t that she had not loved Jess, she had only been attracted to this young man.

“Really now?” Jess said and stormed out of the club. She never knew it could hurt that much. What is it that she hadn’t done for her that she needed someone else. She had always given up opportunities to be happy for her but she didn’t seem to care. She sent back to the apartments and started playing her video games. This was the only way she was going to stop from hurting so much. Stacy had followed her out but she didn’t want to listen to anything she had to say. If anything, she wanted to be alone until it didn’t hurt anymore.