Secretly Yours

Chapter 6

It has been a week since that night.

Since that terrible night of my life, but at the same time, it also gave me clarification. Something that I really need to stop myself from falling harder for my best friend. I tried to get past it, but the pain keeps reminding me every second of my life.

I hated him.

I hated myself for making him feel bad just because my feelings aren’t reciprocated. It wasn’t his fault in the first place. It was mine. I overstepped the boundary of our friendship and fell for him. I couldn’t forget the way he looked at me that night. The fear in his eyes was clear that he’s afraid to lose me and at the same time afraid that he might only hurt me by telling me lies. But Blake isn’t the kind of guy who would lie just to make someone feel better, because he knows that he’d only make the pain even worse.

The two things I was most afraid of losing happened on the same night. Rejection and the high probability of losing the friendship that we have built for years.

But, it’s hard to be ‘Just Friends’ with someone you fell in love with.

I didn’t notice that I was staring outside my window while it’s raining. I don’t feel like doing anything. I have deactivated all of my social media accounts to avoid two people; Niana for spilling my secrets and Blake for apologizing for not returning his feelings and begging me to talk to him. I tried to divert my attention with my favorite Korean dramas or reading another hopeless romantic book, but the thought of Blake’s eyes still haunts me.

Someone barged inside my room without knocking and I didn’t have to ask who it was. Because my sister, Betty has this bad-mannered hobbit barging inside someone else’s room without knocking first. But when I turned to scowl at her, it was Blake who was standing over me. The moment I caught his shining eyes. The kind of eyes that you can see your reflection in them. I was suddenly reminded of the pain of rejection.

“B,” He says, and there was a desperation in his voice. It melts my heart every time he calls me with this kind of need.

I took a deep breath and looked away as I rose to sit up, my back leaning against my headboard. 

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

He took a seat at the edge of my bed, facing me.

“You gave me no choice, B. Your phone was off. I tried to call Betty, but she refused to let me speak with you.”

He used to have a sleepover here and only stop during the year his mother passed away. I really don’t want to look at him but my urge for wanting to look at his eyes overruled my pride. I noticed the dark shadows underneath his eyes.

“I told her I don’t want to talk to you,” I said, honestly and I was hoping that it would hurt him, but when I see the pain in his eyes I immediately regret saying them.

He sighs, “I’m sorry, B.” He says in a small voice, and his voice breaks at the edge. I can feel my eyes start to fill with tears.

“You can’t be sorry for something you never did, Blake,” I said.

“I can’t lose you, B.”

“You’ll still have Niana and Tay,” I said.

“No. They don’t know me the way you do, B.” He says, and he leans forward, grabbing my hand and pulling me against him. “You were there through all the f**k up situations I go through. You saw me at my most f****d up life. No one was ever there for me, you are. I can’t lose you.”

I was always there for you, Blake. Yet you never saw me.

I wanted to call him for being selfish. Because staying friends with him mean I won’t be able to move on as long as I keep seeing him every day. But, the moment I saw the pain and loneliness in his face my heart crumpled in pain. Because I know he’ll be lonely even if he’s with others. Blake and I share a connection no one ever had. Not even with Niana and Tay.

But just the two of us.

I wanted to hate myself for wanting to pull away from the gang and stop my friendship with him just so I could move on, knowing that I can also hurt him in the process. Blake has no one since his father remarried after his mother died and has his new family. Even if he’s with them in their house, he still feels alone that’s why he practically lives in our Den.

“I’m sorry, B.” I sobbed and hugged him back. “I’m sorry for everything,”

And, for loving you.

Blake has never hugged me this tight in our lives. But he was holding onto me as if he was stopping me from letting him go.

“Is this what you were planning to tell me after graduation?” He asked.

I nodded. “I was planning to tell you on that day in our Den. It will be a day before my flight. I was getting myself ready to move on.”

I pulled away from him and met his eyes.

“B, you gotta tell me how you feel. How come you always hide your pain, while I keep telling you mine? You’re not being fair.”

“Because I was avoiding this kind of situation,”

“Yet, look what it got us.” He pointed out.

“I know.”

“I was f*****g scared to lose you. I lost my s**t that night you ran away, begging me not to follow you home. I wanted to, but I don’t want you to hate me even more.” He confessed.

I could never hate you.

I scoffed, “You could always find another girl like me, Blake. You know that.”

“I could never find a girl like you again. There was only you, Blake Martin.”

Oh, Blake. How can you say things like this to me? You’re only going to make it hard for me to move on.

But, I am a fool who will break her heart to make yours whole again.

“I still need to move on, B. This isn’t healthy.”

He pouted and let go of me to touch his chest in an attempt to fake his pain, “Are you saying that being in love with me isn’t healthy?” He jokes.

“I’ve always been like this and Niana was right. I need a fresh start before we hit college.”

“Then, I’ll help you to move on,” Blake says. A smile was tugging at his lips. I don’t exactly know if he wanted me to move on or make me love him even more.