The fear of a child

Being young and so innocent is not always good. I was young didnt really understand what was going on, I know my dad came in my room one night and gave me a kiss on my head and said goodbye. I didnt know what or why he said that, as time passes i realise that dad moved out, and it was just me and my brother and mom. I missed my dad so much, my mom told us my dad left and will never come back, i was heartbroken to the core.. I couldnt understand the real reason, i was very very young. It was at that time everyting change for the worst, my mom went out alot, so my brother look after me, maybe its just a grow up thing.. After a year or two my mom start dateing my soon to be stepdad, he was very nice at first, the they got ingaged and not long after that married, we didnt see our real dad anymore, not that he didnt want to see us, my new stepdad hated him, I think he was just jealous, my dad was n good man. So things started to get very hard for us as children, my mom and stepdad started to drink alot, and they would go out partying, and they will fight and my stepdad would beat my mom to the pulps, i was so scared i couldnt help her, I was so helpless, i would hide in closed and cry, I would cry and shake for hours.. My moms screams was so hard for me I couldnt help my mom, I wanted to help her so badly but I was helpless, then it would go silent, and I would sleep in the closet because I was so scared, the next they my mom would be so bruised, and they will act like nothing happend, I really didnt know why my mom couldnt leave him.. I think my mom was really scared of him, when they were not drinking it was peacefull and so much better, but weekends it was the same thing alcohol, drinking, beatings after beatings, sometimes me and my brother would run away in the middle of the night to my grandparents. They will go there and my mom would say everything is fine, she loves him and people do fight, she never saw in our childrens eyes, I started hateing weekends and alcohol, it was evil, every weekends you hear my moms cry of beating after beating, I was so helpless, my sister was born, and then it was worse, I was about 8 years old when my sister was born, I was so young, still A child myself, I had to grow up so quick, I had to learn how to change a nappy and cook and clean, beauce my mom and stepdad never really was around, I had to look after my sister. If I did something wrong or my sister did anything wrong, I will get a beating of my life, I was thinking alot of suicide back then, but I knew I had to try protecting my sister and mom. The older we got it was just harder, I went to school in fear, cos I was scared of failing my parents. I had.to look after my sister during the time I got of from school, I struggled in school, I didnt have help with school work or when I had to study, My school marks fell hard, so I got a hiding because my work was really bad.. during the week I had to be A sister and mom.. Weekends my parents went out partying, so I had to be the mom for my little sister, then when my stepdad beat my mom up, I just had to be strong for my sister if she cries out to my mom when my mom screams.. It was haert braking.. I always knew that my mom was in so much pain, one day I saw how my stepdad thoke my mom and I tried to pull his arm away, but he was so strong and he thru me across the room. The more my mom try to help, the more he beats her. I know hate is a strong word, but I hated him with every breath I had, when my real dad bought us birthday or chrismas gifts, my stepdad would break or burn all our gifts, it was so evil, my stepdad and his brother ones beaten my dad so badly, he couldnt even eat or drink normally, he had to drink and eat with a straw.. From that time on we were not aloud to see my dad ever, my stepdad would permantly wish my dad dead, he hated my dad I dont know why, my did never did anything to him, I use to sleep over at my grandparents house as much as I could to avoid the beatings and screaming.. I knew I had to go back, during the week was ok but weekends made me very anxience.. I start going in depression, I was so scared of talking to anybody about what was going on, I was afraid he was going to beat me up again. when I get my school card back and I fail a subject, I knew he was going to beat me up.. I was so scared that one day he will kill me or my mom.. when I was in high school I couldnt wait to leave the house but I was still afraid of leaving my mom and sister behind. I couldnt do my matric because he decided that I was to dum to get a real job, he took me out of school in grade 11. He said that I am a failure for the world.. He took my dreams away.. not long after that I got married and had a beautifull daughter, my husband drank alot, just like my stepdad, he cheated on me with my 13 year old stepsister and a few of my friends, when he got drunk he would.just beat me.. when I talk to my mom and stepdad about it, my stepdad would say I deserve it. He believed woman should be seen and not heard, after 4 years I got divorce, It felt like my life fell apart, I lost 8kg in 3 weeks, I start feeling that I am fat and ugly, I didnt have that selfconfidence like forever. After 2 years I met a new man and we got married, well lets just say he saved my life. My husband try to help me to be myself again, but I struggled for years about my weight and never felt good enough, but he always told me I am enough. My mom was still going thru alot with my stepdad, he treated her with so much hate, she always came to my house crying, she was so scared of my stepdad. My mom started getting sick alot.. My stepdad pushed her of the stairs and she got hurt so bad she never recoverd from that fall.. The wound never healed, so I was about in my 30's when she was really sick, the wound started to bleed again. we knew it is really bad, I was just starting a new job and was on training. When my stepdad took her to the hospital that friday, and we never knew that day was the last day we will ever see her again, the next day 3 o'clock that morning my mom past away.. my life shatterd in front of me. I was never able to protect my mother.. How in the world could I ever knew that mayb