A Shy Girls Love Story

Chapter Two "Seventh Grade"

   The start of seventh grade, it was so stressful thinking that I would end up in the same class as my bullies. Summer break wasn't really exciting, I mostly spent the whole summer just playing on my families Nintendo 64. So I didn't mentally prep for possibly encountering those people, but I also forgot to tell you that one of my brothers that is a year older then me, was starting eighth grade too. So I figured that if they would ever try to bully me again than I could tell him to set them straight. My brother was, and is still the type of person to not let anyone push him around. He more so is always ready to fight someone, because boys used to try to pick on him too until our dad told him and our older brother not to let anyone mess with them. I guess in a way our parents never told me this is because I never told them that I was bullied. I just couldn't bring it up to them because I thought back then that they had more going on at work, and other problems, along with our eldest brothers always fighting and getting arrested and taken to the juvenile center. So our parents were always busy with some kind of problem, and being the baby of the family I thought that I should be an example and not cause any problems as well. So I never brought up being bullied, I just didn't want them to stress out over my problems either. Suffering alone made more sense, unfortunately that came at a cost of trust. I lost the ability to open up to anyone, and slowly I stopped telling my siblings anything. Them being caught up in their personal lives and doing their own things, we just drifted apart as a close family. Although I still talk to them today, but it's mostly small talk. The same goes with my parents, me and my family visits them often so my kids can keep a close relation to them. I just can't find myself being an open book to them, I am very modest in front of them. 

   The first week of seventh grade wasn't too exciting, luckily none of my bullies were in my homeroom class. I was put in Science as my homeroom and all the kids I was in sixth grade with, including my friends were put in History class. In the long run, it was a blessing in disguise because I didn't really want to be around them. I just had no trust in them at all, internally they just stopped being important to me. A good thing about it is that I got along great with my new classmates, though we didn't eat lunch together or hang out after school. Ultimately I was fine with being alone, I was fine with not caring about anyone, I was able to dress how I wanted, and look how I wanted. I started using color hairspray to color my hair lime green, and to this day I laugh at how stiff my hair was from spraying a lot of it on my head. I made two long strands of bangs and braided them, and they ended up covering my eyes, so in a way they protected me from letting anyone look at me. So after a few weeks of school and constantly looking at the ground when I walk, one of my bullies from back then decided to stop me during class change, he said "Hey!" I looked up and saw that boy standing in front of me with a smile, then he raised his hand and said, "How 'bout a high five?" I saw at the corners of my eyes that other kids were staring at us, and I immediately got anxious and just gave him a quick high five and took of from sight and straight into my next class. I didn't even bother to try and see his reaction or to be involved with him anymore, and yet the more I tried to distance myself over time, the more they tried to get along with me like we were old friends. I hated that part the most about them all, that they engraved wounds on my heart and soul, that made irreversible scars that I will always see when I witness a slight trigger of the past. No amount of therapy, or medication helped me come to terms with that past, nothing helped me move on. Everyday is a reminder of my torment, and just sitting and watching tv is enough to trigger the memories. When people tell me that I will have an amazing future if I just let go of the past. They make it sound as simple as closing a book, well it's not. 

   I will always remember this day, because it is the day that I found you, the day I saw your smile, the day that I first saw your beautiful eyes. I don't remember the day exactly but the day started as eighth and seventh being able to select the activity class of their choice, like me I went with Art class. So I didn't really pay attention to who was in the class with me, since the teacher just let us do whatever we wanted. A classmate was in the class with me but she was absent that day so it was just me with the other art class students, I just grabbed some small boxes and started stacking them to make a wall, like I always used to do, and seem to do to this day. As I was stacking them higher and higher to the point that I had to stand up from the table to keep going, I heard one of the students say something towards my direction. I looked to where the voice was coming from to see a group of eighth grade boys, and one of them said, "don't let it fall!" There was no mockery in his tone, just sounded like genuine interest. As I glanced at each one of them, I noticed him, he was sitting there smiling a very beautiful smile, he didn't say anything but I saw everything and he reminded me of an angel. I quickly looked away, getting extremely embarrassed trying to focus on my wall that I couldn't concentrate on anymore. I felt my ears getting hot, and I was trying to hide my smile because I thought I looked stupid with a smiling face. Unfortunately because they were watching that whole time I accidently knocked into a box and the wall tumbled to the floor. And of course they reacted with the 'Awww no' gestures and sounds. I couldn't bring myself to look in their direction again because I was still so embarrassed for letting the wall fall and being afraid that I would blush so much if I looked at him again. His name was Brice, I only found out his name after one of his friends yelled his name and he turned and waited for that friend. I still couldn't believe that a boy as beautiful as him existed in that tiny, small town school. And why it took me that long to see him, but to my dismay he was one of those very popular boys, is loved by everyone in that school, loved basketball, he dressed in expensive attire. Where as me, a weird, quiet girl with a weird hairstyle. Just from that observation I made the decision to not approach him because we were from different worlds, and I felt like I didn't deserve him. 

   As the days turned into weeks, school became me silently looking forward to seeing him, though I never followed him, because I respected others' private life. I never spoke to him, or even said a word to him. In fact that whole time I tried not to like him, or even try to stare at him. I just felt like I didn't deserve to like him. I knew he was too busy with his personal life to give someone life me the time, or day. But every now and then I would notice him by chance in passing and feel all giddy on the inside, his presence just made my days so much more better. There was one day after breakfast, the classes were lining up outside the building waiting to be let in, I was spacing out and slowly moving along as everyone began going into the building when teachers let us in. The line I was in was moving very slowly but the one next to us was going faster, then at the corner of my eye I noticed Brice move forward passing me so closely, almost touching shoulders. I instantly became aware of my surroundings and tried not acting too weird or anything that would embarrass me. But of course he didn't notice me and kept moving forward, in a sad way it was nice that he never noticed me then. 

   As seventh grade came and went, summer begun and I enjoyed it outdoors this time after making a new friend that lived down the road. She was a good friend, kind of a pushy girl but she had a good heart, I was comfortable to be around her for the time we hung out. There was this one day that she wanted me to walk with her to her aunt's place, which we walked going through the school parking lot. As we walked to the school we approached the entrance of the high school, and that day they had open gym where anyone can go and play in the gym. The moment we came close to the entrance and was walking on by three girls that I remembered were in the eighth grade too, they were quite popular too. We noticed these girls rushing out of the high school doors, and stopped like twenty feet away from us, giggling like crazy and talking amongst themselves. In that moment they yelled out to us, "Hey! Which one of you likes Brice?" My friend right away shook her head no, me getting nervous and scared right away, I too shook my head no. I was scared, scared that if I said yes in any manner that I would be bullied by them, because I knew that one of those girls liked him, and you will find out later on how I knew this. I was terrified of being bullied throughout school, so I ended up protecting myself rather than admitting my silent love for him. Still one of the biggest regrets of my life. So then me and my friend walked on, we both questioned why they would randomly ask that to both of us. On top of that, no body knew I liked him, like I never told a soul about him, not even my friend that I was walking with. But we walked on and went about our day, though that encounter still ate me up, like what if he told those girls that he liked me but didn't tell them who it was precisely. I don't know, a lot of mysteries that were never unraveled.

   So then eighth grade started, Brice and my brother moved onto freshman year. And I went on to make different friends with my new classes, but I struggled to keep up with school. Math was my worse subject, I never understood it, and the teacher acted like everyone was supposed to know everything before she even taught it. Of course one of my bullies decided to try and be nice to me, but I wasn't having it. I ignored him through those two months I spent at that school. My school work got so bad with that math teacher that I told my parents that I wanted to transfer to a different school. They allowed it and soon I was out of that place, I didn't make any friends at my new school, but instead boys there didn't like me either. They kept putting thumb tacks in my hair because I kept it in a bun, and they would put tacks on my seats anywhere I sat. So school was bad there socially too but I powered through and graduated eighth grade, it was nice to just be away from my previous school. I never understood what I did to make people not like me, I never said anything mean to them, I never even said a word to them. I never treated anyone bad, I just wanted to be left alone. I guess one thing all of my bullies had in common was that they needed everyone's attention.