A Shy Girls Love Story

   Hi, as you know, my name is Cara. I am a mom of three beautiful kids, and a wife to a wonderful and devoted man. I had found new love in my shadowed life, 'The other side of the rainbow' if you will. I live for my family, I have no friends to this day, and you will find out why a little later on. Over all I am honestly happy with where I'm at now, I am not perfect in any sense of the term, nor is it in any matter in my life.     Let me tell you about a boy I fell in love with but I don't know a single detail about him, nor have I once even talked to him. I was in seventh grade back then when I first saw him, and he was in eighth grade. Our school system back then was set up weirdly so seventh and eighth grade were in a building together but all of the other grades had their own buildings too. But before I get you all lost in my story, let's take you back to sixth grade where it makes the biggest impact on how I handled everything else later on. In sixth grade, I was a very shy girl, I didn't talk in class, I only talked to the friends I made then. Me and my friends have been close and in the same class since we were in first grade. Though I was the only shy girl amongst our group, and pretty much the low IQ one among us girls, as they were all smart and pretty, all competing against each other on who gets the better grades. Me on the other hand, I created a fantasy land in my head, where I spent all day everyday in. It always has been my escape from my problems, I always feared facing them alone.     Sixth grade started like any other year of school, me and my friends get into the same class with the same teacher, but with that came other classmates who wanted the same thing. Unfortunately there were two boys I wanted to avoid, and I had hoped over summer break that they would transfer or be in a different class, to my dismay they ended up in the same class as me. These two boys never liked me since third grade, I never knew why, I could never recall a moment where I did something to one of them to trigger their hatred towards me. I never made a point to talk to anyone outside my friends group, never made an attempt to make new friends. So with that I never said a word to either of those boys, other then the dreaded reading group the teacher put us in. These two boys were also smart, and talked to everyone. I stayed away from them after one day during music class, the music teacher led our class into the auditorium to start working on pianos. These two boys decided to walk behind me when the teacher wanted all of us in a line, and I was walking behind my friend, us two were laughing and chatting minding our own. So as we sat down in a line of chairs to get ready to read music sheets and listen to the teachers lecture, these two boys; I shall call them D and J, J sat beside me, and D sat beside him. I turned to my friend to tell her something about the music sheet, because I didn't get something about it, and suddenly my friend looked up at something behind me and started bursting our laughing, I quickly looked back to see J sitting back down from hovering over me, and everyone was laughing now. I immediately got embarrassed and turned away from J and D, and asked my friend what he did. She just said "Nothing." I scooted as close to my friend and far away from J as I could get, from that day on stuff with these two boys just kept getting stranger. They as third, fourth, and fifth grade moved on with these boys and my friends, I got quieter, more closed in. Over those years I believe my friends once made fun of my voice, because one day I got a random call from one of them, I answered and she started giggling around and saying random things that I can't remember what now. So I play along seeing how comfortable I was with my friend to use my normal voice. I'll tell you that my voice as a kid sounded like a husky boys voice, deep, un-girly, un-feminine. So as I was talking to her, I heard another giggle, I stopped talking, and out of no where my friend told me that it was a three-way call with another of our friends that was in another class. apparently they agreed to pretend it was just me and my friend on the phone. When they revealed it was a three-way call, they didn't talk but continued to laugh and act awkward. I didn't get what they were laughing about so I was going to attempt to ask so I can laugh too, but they both said that they were hanging up the phone, I said "Okay, see you at school then, bye." Hung up too, but I to this day thought that they just called me to laugh at how I sounded over the phone. I still have a rather deep, male-sounded voice. Even my husband thinks I sound like a man over the phone, or on videos, but he doesn't mind at all.     Onto sixth grade now, after a few months of it being quite peaceful at school, and home. I once told my friends that over summer break I caught a bunch of garden snakes, and got a hamster, and a kitten. Since we were talking about what we did during summer break at recess, they all got excited and told me to bring my hamster to school so they could see it. Well me being hyped up by my dear friends, agreed so the next day I brought it school, My little guy that I named Hamtaro, because of that cute hamster anime, got a lot of attention from everyone in class. Now that was the unfortunate event to begin in my life, after that half of the boys in my class started teasing me, always pestering me to talk to them, I believe to this day that J and D had a lot to do with all of them other boys to bully me the way they did. After awhile at home my mom began burning sage in the house, and she went with the traditional way of burning sage that our ancestors taught. She used a mix of wild tobacco and wild sage found out near the badlands, so she's burn sage in the morning before we left for school for her morning prayer. Unfortunately the first time she did this, and I made it to class, all of these boys began making fun of me for smelling like w**d. My virgin mind back then thought like wild burning grass in a field or something. I didn't know what w**d meant back then, but they did, and made constant harsh jokes, and made fun of me to no end because of it. I felt really bad about this, and I began to be angry at my moms sage burning in the mornings because of the bullying. My friends kept to themselves during these jokes being thrown at me every school day, I started hating school, hating the teacher, hating home, hating myself. These boys' bullying didn't let up as the days went on, they began trying to take my bag from when the teacher wasn't looking, and they knew I was too shy to say anything and took advantage of that. I fought to keep my bag with me and they got more joy out of it. Once I took my CD player and collapsible headphones to school, I kept them in a small shoulder bag and set my bag between my legs during class. After the teacher left, some of these boys came up to me and tried pulling my bag away, so I fought again for my bag by hanging onto it. A boy who had a hold of it loudly exclaimed, "I feel a g*n in her bag!" Immediately all of the other boys ears perked up and started laughing at me singing the song 'Janie got a g*n'. When all that time it was just my collapsed headphones, I felt myself turn red from humiliation. Even the girls started singing in class, but they all quieted down once the teacher showed up. To this day I refuse to listen to that song, I never heard it before but those boys ruined it by using it to mock me.     Then one day we got a new boy in class, he seemed harmless when he first showed up, and didn't talk to much of the other boys except J and D. This boy I will call M, and he is the worse child I will ever know in life, because after a while, he too involved himself in joining these boys on bullying me. As days went on, and their bullying got gradually worse. There was a day at school where we were all divided up for some test, then once the test was done and everyone got up and started moving and chatting with each other. I sat alone and daydreamed while looking at the wall across the classroom, when J and D, stopped in front of me and quietly said, "Look she's staring at us again." I immediately put my head down and stared at the book I had open in front of me, and they just laughed at me and left. All of sixth grade consisted mostly of J and D saying cruel things to me when none of our classmates or teacher was around. None of my friends knew about this, or became ignorant to my torment. I don't know which, but they are the reason I stopped trusting people, or I never tried to make nor keep friends. It's still too hard for me to try and make friends, I'm in my thirties now.     I'll tell you one slightly good thing among all of this dark t*****e. There was this one boy, a classmate as well, he was a sweet boy, he was one of the few who didn't bully me. I remember it was on Valentines Day, each student had to take turns passing out treats and candy, there was this boy named Josh and it was his turn to pass his treats and candy out, and when he got to me, I wasn't paying attention to anything but was just stacking my candy to make a wall. He started stacking the candy he was giving me to make my wall taller too. I shyly looked up at him and he just gave an innocent smile and moved on to the next student, but of course everyone nearby noticed and "Oooo'd." At him and me. Obviously I got embarrassed and hid my face and took apart my wall before any of the other boys decided to ruin my moment. I fondly remember this day because of him, grateful to him for many reasons, he didn't like me, and I didn't like him only because I became too terrified of boys to like any. I always respected him because he never made fun of me, or laughed at me. He ignored his friends when they joined the bullying of me, I mean yeah he didn't stop them, but it did mean something to me that he didn't find interest in it. I still wish I was brave enough to tell him thank you, to tell him how much I respect him. One of those regrets of being too shy, a curse I believe, because no matter how much I told myself to start talking out loud, and tell everyone to leave me alone, I still couldn't make my mouth move.     Another boy made remarks on me, and my lifestyle by telling everyone around him that I was the devil's child. I remember one time he was sitting at the table next to mine telling his friends, "The reason why Cara is the way she is, is because she ain't baptized, or blessed by god." He continued this by telling them further how evil people are alone, and mute. Yeah he believed I was mute, he was one of the loud kids who every time the class lined up and went to lunch, he'd be waving his hands in my face, yelling at me to talk or to push him. I tried my hardest all year long to ignore the bullying, the berating, the jeers. But this one fateful day that finally broke me, it was halfway through the school day, a little while before recess. We were all sitting at our desks, I was drawing something. Behind me I heard some of those boys start talking among each other but I stopped paying attention right away, then they started giggling and saying something with my name in their conversation. I tried to ignore them again, but unfortunately as I was drawing I heard M saying something loud right behind me, then he reached for my face with his hands, and was rubbing my face really hard, I tried to remove his hands as quickly as I could but he wasn't giving up either. Finally after forcing his sweaty gross hands off my face, I became so angry that I imagined standing up and hitting him in that moment, but my anger turned to tears, and I wrapped my arms around my head and put my head on my desk to hide me crying in front of everyone, I cried so hard that I couldn't hold back whimpers and my shoulders moving with my ragged breathing. Obviously everyone saw and heard me, but no one did anything, not to me or that boy. They all just sat there listening to me cry, finally broken from their constant torment, humiliated to the point that I can no longer have any dignity around these individuals. No one said anything in that moment, but after a few minutes the teacher returned and told all of us that we can go outside. I waited until I no longer heard any foot steps in the class to leave too. As I walked outside wiping my face, and going to the playground, my friends decided to walk with me but I ignored them. They still tried to see what was going on, one of them had the audacity to say, "Why are you crying?" I was too sad to say anything to any of them, I just remember keeping quiet the rest of the day thinking terrible thoughts. Even then I wished for a magical prince to come and save me from that place, foolish girly thoughts. No one saved me, no one cared, no one said anything. After school I walked home only thinking about one thing, and that was how I wanted it all to just end. I didn't want to feel these terrible feelings anymore, I didn't want to go through more of that bullying, I just wanted to be free from this world. That was the first time I thought about suicide, just an eleven year old girl, wanting nothing to do with this cruel world anymore, but these thoughts quickly left as they came when images of my family appeared in my mind, I didn't want to hurt them, I didn't want to leave them. They're all I have left. So I fought those thoughts of an end, and it was a truly hard struggle. I lost myself, the child that used to want friends, enjoyed being a kid, doing fun things, wanting to be a veterinarian when I got older. All of it was gone, I was no longer ambitious about anything, I no longer talked to my eldest siblings like I used to, I became bitter, and angry. All I wanted was to be left alone, and slowly I was aware that I was empty, hating myself, not knowing who I was anymore. I was just the identity that I was given by my parents.     To this day no one knows about my thoughts, no one knows. After finishing the school year, began another whole spider web of confusion and teen angst.