A Shy Girls Love Story

Chapter Three "Freshman"

   Getting enrolled into High School was stressful, back then they let students pick their classes in the gym. If you didn't get there early than you didn't get good choices of classes. Like me, I woke up late and lazed about in my room because I dreaded going in the first place. So when I finally went to register for classes I ended up with nothing but mandatory classes, no fun electives like autos class, or art class. As usual, I kept my head down when I walked anywhere. I hated looking at people when I walked around anywhere, I felt like I was invading their privacy, almost like my bullies broke me from ever looking at anyone after they berated me for looking anywhere but at my desk top. I hated that I felt like this because even now I can't look anyone in the eyes when I talk to them, not even my friends, or family. So walking down hallways was stressful when school started, students everywhere and me seeing nothing but feet pass by. When I got to P.E. class, I was shocked at how cramped the room was. There was literally no where for all the students to sit when the desks were taken up so I was amongst some of the students who sat on the steps near the classroom door, yeah our school was that pitiful. By this time I got in a habit of dressing modestly, with matching colors. Not really trending styles, nor expensive brands, but I worked with what my parents bought me. My sister who I'm mentioning for the first time because we don't really get along now, for many reasons. She taught me how to style me hair in a neat bun, and back then she used scrunchies to wrap around her bun to make it look very cute. Now I wish I just did my own thing instead of following her styles, I would probably still have good skin and thick hair, I learned the hard way that what works for one person doesn't mean it'll work for another. Anyways, she taught me to style my hair and how to wear some make up like eye liner and eyeshadow. Unfortunately I got attention from some boys, but this attention only went as far as complimenting the way I walked or the way I looked dolled up. I guess it went around school right away that I was un-approachable, or intimidating. So no boy even tried to talk to me, but somehow I was fine with that. So as the days went on in ninth grade I never did see Brice anywhere in school, I was looking for him, but not looking for him if that makes any sense. So for a while there I thought that maybe he transferred, so I stopped expecting to see him after a few weeks. As time went on, my grades started going down hill and P.E. Was becoming very toxic for me because our teacher was male, and he took a liking to me for no reason. Just out of the blue one day I came to school late and showed up, he came up to me to let me in on what we were doing for activities that morning, and he said, "I like you, I don't know why but I do." So right then and there I became uneasy going into that class so I started skipping that class. I didn't feel safe anymore, so I became careless in all of my other classes too. I felt violated just by those words and because another female student complained about him, I thought that he would be fired anyway. I didn't say anything that time because I didn't want drama, I didn't want to be bothered by such things when my life was already falling apart. As the semester ended, and failed three of my classes. I became even more distant in life, I started gaining weight. More closed in my room, not talking much to anyone that was close to me. My parents got on me about focusing on school work, and stop skipping school, and to be more like my sister who they emphasized on beauty, being thin, being popular with boys, a good student. They wanted me to be like their 'Indian Princess' As they put so clearly, just being thrown into her shadow shut me down more. I was an empty shell after that first semester.

   After Christmas break came new classes, our school has elective classes for our native language so I signed up for the second part of the class that sophomores were taking since I passed the first class last semester. So as we settled into our new classes, I unknowingly built some kind of reputation so people started avoiding me. god knows what rumors spread about me, only one I know of was that I was a dyke. Or however people spell it, I didn't care about that rumor because if I dated someone then I didn't care what gender they were, nor did I care what people said about my sexuality. I'll always love who would be willing to give their heart to me openly. But the rumor started because no one ever saw me with a boy, and one time I was staring at a girls' food waiting in the lunch line and she saw me and glared daggers at me. I immediately looked away, but I feel like she was the one who started that rumor, and a plus side was I liked wearing some boys clothes, only because they were comfy to wear. So a lot of aspects of my life were enough to spark rumors of me being homosexual. I guess this leads me to the turning point of my secret love interest, As you know now that I never paid attention to any students in my classes, and our native language teacher didn't take roll call, she just had students sign in at the door. I didn't even pay attention to that either until one day I came in and seen a very familiar name at the bottom of the list as I was signing in. Brice's name was their with his last name, I was utterly shocked and struck with elation. I couldn't even hide my big dumb grin, and the teacher saw me and said, "Oh, someone is having a great day today!" And I couldn't disagree with her, I just nodded my head and went to sit in my seat. My shy-self couldn't even bring my head up to look for him in class, still suffering my trauma from back then I guess. Fear controlled me big time, so I never took any risks or made an changes outside me normal routines. But I knew he was in the same class as me and I couldn't be happier in that moment and after. Later on, I found out he was on the boys basketball team, and he was really good at it. Though I never went to any games, I hated being in big crowds, like I felt like I couldn't breathe and it felt like everyone was staring at me. I just couldn't go to any games. But internally I was cheering for his success.

   As the days went on, there was this day in particular. I got done with my math class, and headed down to my native language class. I got there early since I didn't have anything better to do during the five minute switch, but alas the classroom didn't clear out yet and other students were still gathering their things and leaving. So I stood by the door on the outside of the classroom and started looking down the ramp, it was a big open ramp that led to the gym and entryway of the high school. A lot of students were walking up and down so I was spacing out just watching everyone chat, laugh, and connect with each other, internally wishing that I had that. Slowly I began to drift my gaze up the ramp, slowly moving my eyes closer to my view in front of me. Then right there I just happened to look to my left and in the crowd I saw Brice standing there looking at me, Immediately as we locked eyes he turned away just as quickly. I looked away too, confused and shocked so I immediately told myself that he was just looking into the classroom too, to see if it was cleared out. "Yeah that's what it is!" I yelled at myself in my head convincing myself that he wasn't staring at me. But for that moment I was excited and happy, something I wasn't in a long time. His beautiful eyes alone awoke new life inside of me, not even a second but it felt like eternity to me! So once the classroom cleared and I entered and sat down, I actually kept my head up waiting for him to appear through the door. As everyone else sat down and was getting their supplies ready, he still didn't show up. I was sitting there wondering that whole time if he was coming to class, but I never saw him. Then class started so I focused my attention to my papers on my desk. I heard the door open and close but I decided not to look, for some reason inside of me felt rejected. After that, at school I noticed him, but I also noticed he was completely avoiding me, and my presence. I began to feel like he didn't want to me catch him looking or something. I began to think that I wasn't worth his time if he didn't try to say anything or even let the fact that we locked eyes blow over. I was way too shy to try and approach him in any manner because he was always around his friends. Like last thing I wanted was to read the situation wrong and be heart broken and humiliated. After that I didn't see much of him, and I actually searched with my eyes for him in the crowds at school. 

   I started to understand that he didn't want anything to go past that moment we shared, because I found where he sat in our class together, and he sat where I couldn't see him at all. You know that feeling when your crush shows that he/she isn't interested in you, that feeling of you heart sinking, tightening, hard to breathe, feeling like you're choking on air, trying to swallow but can't bring yourself to? That's what it felt like the moment I realised that I meant nothing to him. And I choked on my heart and dealt with it like the stubborn person that I am, because I knew he was busy with basketball, busy with friends, with his life. I didn't want to be a bother to him if he didn't want that. My small happiness stayed in my soul, his eyes burned into my memories, my heart believed that he was staring at me, but I battled with myself believing that I didn't deserve him. I was a loner, weird, awkward, no body knew me in a good sense. Him, popular, active lifestyle, sports, kind, so handsome, like I said, he was everything good in this life. Two opposite worlds, I had to face the fact that we would never have an encounter like that ever again. 

   As Sophomore year came around, and my dad having his second heart surgery that had too many horrible complications, and caught staph infection during that time that he was healing from surgery. That year started as a disaster, and only got worse. When Christmas came around I became very ill, I couldn't eat, or drink anything. I began losing weight, so it was hard to focus on anything related to school but I kept going and getting my work done. 

   As tenth grade came and went as well, and summer wasn't fun because of my illness. I gradually noticed all the weight I gained from my freshman year was going away, and it wasn't good. Hanging out with my friend that lived down the road, along with her friends from across town. One summer day, I walked with my friend and her friends on the sidewalks of town, I just strolled along as these girls gossiped and laughed amongst their own inside jokes that I didn't get. As we got near the school we heard some ATV's coming up the road, I just happened to look because I love offroad vehicles, and trucks, along with classic cars. Then I seen Brice again with some of his friends, he was driving a awesome yellow four-wheeler, really fast up the road leaving his friends behind. All the girls saw him and fangirled over him, I didn't want him to see me so I hid in the crowd of girls, especially after our very awkward encounter. So then the girls started talking about him, so I listened in on the conversation. It turned out that he was the son of one of the store owners in town, the exact store that I loved going to because the owner was always smiling and cheerful to see everyone. So his dad was always a super nice man that I respected because another strange turn of events. our dads knew each other, and talked like old friends when they saw each other. Well I knew I wasn't the only girl to crush on him, so that's why I said I didn't deserve him. But I also noticed something strange, when I did go to that store, sometimes his other son, and daughter would work the register there too. So when I went alone to buy snacks and something to drink and check out, both of them would glare at me, and act really rude and not say anything to me. I noticed they ostracized me without even knowing me, heck I didn't even know who they were. I realized this when one time I checked out my purchase when those two were there, and they acted the same way but when I was leaving another girls walked in and they did a complete 360 degree turn on their personalities, they were inviting, smiling, and very cheery like their dad welcoming this customer. I felt horrible after I realized this behavior, because I didn't know what I did to them to get these attitudes. I ended up not going there anymore after I was treated that way, like I didn't want to be where I wasn't welcome. 

   So anyway, these girls went on about Brice and I kept listening until we got to the basketball courts. These girls perched themselves on the side of the school building watching all the boys play. Obviously I didn't care to watch any of them, I just thought about Brice and how further away he was from me than I originally thought. I knew it was pointless to keep liking him, yet I couldn't stop. Everything inside of me screamed that I couldn't just stop caring about him. He meant something to me, yet we never spoke a word to each other, we never communicated in any form. I couldn't stop looking forward to seeing him, even though I never even heard his voice, never even heard his laugh, I knew nothing about him. Yet everything told me that he meant something to me, why did he mean so much if I had no reason to care about him? 

   As the days went on during summer, sometimes seeing him riding his four-wheeler around town. The word that best describes him; an angel. He belonged to better things, so I let him be. As always I never tried to pursue him, I respected his space and focused on my well being.

   Eleventh Grade came about, along with it, new failures in my life. I lost a lot of weight, I lost ambition to finish school. Right away I failed classes beginning of the semester so by the time October came I saw a devastating sight, Brice with one of the girls that was his friend, one of the exact girls that burst out of the high school during the summer after seventh grade, the one that yelled to me and my friend asking if one of us liked him. It hurt so much seeing them together, but I tried telling myself that it was okay, that they share more in common than I ever would. It was okay because she knew him for such a long time, and they were revolved in the same world. It was a type of hurt that was relatable to a first love, that was when I knew I needed to let him go. To save myself, I was tired of loving someone who didn't see me as someone he'd be with, someone who didn't exist to him, a fleeting moment gone. When I saw them together, I was brought back to the moment we shared. To anyone else, locking eyes with someone isn't much but a daily occurrence, but to me locking eyes with someone that I crushed on since seventh grade meant the world to me, that moment said that he may have had a thing for me but this moment said that he found his love. Funny how love makes you sound pathetic, how it changes everything you do, how you think, you just want everything to be about that special someone. No surprise that after seeing them together like that, I dropped out of school only because I failed all of my classes, I didn't bother trying to find a new love. I didn't try anything after that, I gave up for that year. 

   So I ended up repeating my junior year, and all of the people I went to school with were all seniors. Brice gone from my life, I think he went to college. Those thoughts were haunting me, I didn't fondly think about him anymore because when I see a guy with a girlfriend or wife, he is immediately off limits, no more romantic thoughts about said person. So any thought I had about him were crossed out of my mind right away. I just kept focusing on my junior year and try to get back in the swing of things. 

   One thought occurred to me back then was how dashing he probably looked at his prom, with his beautiful prom date. I wondered what their prom theme was, how beautiful that night must've been for them. I didn't hold any ill feelings toward his girlfriend, because it didn't matter who he chose, I only cared about his happiness, and he was happy without me in his life so that said enough to me. 

   As the year went on, bringing my grades back up, losing more weight, and my health still slowly taking a down turn. I just kept going, I didn't have anything to lose, literally. I found distraction in the Playstation 2, GTA III. I just became a homebody, more like a hermit. As time went on again, I passed my junior year and moved onto my senior year, coming out of my sickness and gaining healthy weight. Bringing myself out of that dark hole the past three years were. Nothing much happened during the first semester of my senior year, so the next semester wasn't as exciting. Our prom theme was some kind of theatre movie setting, I didn't go, I didn't have anyone to go with nor did anyone ask me. I didn't participate in the fundraising for it so I just wasn't interested in anything the seniors were doing. Yeah I sound like a social reject.