Heart of Steel

Lost and Found

I spent the next few weeks in a complete daze. I couldn't pay attention to my schoolwork, could hardly eat, and had absolutely no motivation to work out or even get out of bed. Rosie, Sam, Gladys and James tried everything they could to cheer me up, but I felt as though my heart had been ripped out of my chest. Even Kendrick tried to help, although he was the only one who didn't know why I was so depressed. James had guessed the first day he came back, and he cornered Sam as they were switching shifts and confronted him about it. They had been in the foyer and I happened to be going to the kitchen to see Gladys since she was finally back from her vacation when I overheard them. Sam tried to deter the question, but I told James he was right. He took one look at me and all the anger on his face vanished, replaced by empathy and pity. I probably looked like a zombie. There were dark circles underneath my eyes and my hair was up in an extremely messy bun. I was wearing an oversized t-shirt that I had been in for 3 days in a row and I hadn't showered since before I had put it on. Gladys had the same reaction James did when she first saw me too.

I found myself wishing that I had never found out about me and him (it was too painful to even think his name), and pondering the phrase 'It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all' quite often. At first, I disagreed. I believed that never knowing how it felt to be in his arms, never feeling that warm tingly floating sensation when I was with him, never experiencing the most passionate and amazing kisses in the world would have been so much better than getting all those things for such a brief period and then watching them vanquish right before my eyes. I even began wishing that I had never woken up from the coma in the first place. I began craving the peace and blissfulness of not being able to feel or think about anything. Every time I started to feel like the pain was lessening, if only slightly, I would see him and everything would fall apart all over again. It especially didn't help that he couldn't even look me in the eye.

I refused to go see Dr. Wimble and refused to talk to her when she decided to make a house call. I didn't want to do anything. I felt completely numb... void... lost. And then one night I had a dream. If it wasn't for what I had seen and heard and for the fact that I was in my bed when I woke up in a cold sweat afterward, I would have sworn that it was real. I was walking through a dark, cold tunnel and I couldn't hear anything except for the sound of myself sobbing. The sound was reverberating off the walls of the tunnel, creating the illusion that there were several people there crying at the same time. All of a sudden, I felt a warm hand engulf my freezing cold one. I knew immediately whose hand it was, and as a result, I wasn't frightened at all. On the contrary, I immediately felt safe and warm. It was my mother's hand. I recognized her velvety soft skin and her extremely gentle touch. I felt the love she had for me radiating from that hand and transferring directly into my heart. I was so happy that she was there with me that I didn't even notice the scenery was changing until I saw sunlight illuminating her beautiful and perfect face. She was smiling at me, tears of joy leaking out of her magnificent green eyes. I could tell how strange it seemed to be feeling joy and excitement myself. It felt like I hadn't experienced those emotions in so long, although it hadn't even been a month since Sam had that talk with us.

Mom looked around to see where we were, so I decided to mirror her and do the same. I was astounded to find that we were in a field of gorgeous lilacs, the sun beaming down on us but not making us too hot. She took both of my hands in hers and said,

"Kasey Renae, my sweet baby girl..." then closed her eyes and squeezed my hands gently with both of hers.

When she opened them again, she was crying. I couldn't tell if they were happy or sad tears this time. Her next statement answered my musings.

"It pains me greatly to see you in such misery. And I want you to know that I would never trade one second of the time I got with you to take away the pain of not being able to be with you. Because that pain is evidence of how fiercely we loved each other. There could not be pain of this magnitude without as much joy as I felt from being your mother, and from the wonderful gift that I was given of being in your life for 18 years. One day you will realize that the memories you have of your true love are more than enough to sustain you, and that without them you wouldn't be who you are. I know that you've been dealt a really painful hand in life. What, with losing me, discovering who he was to you and getting to experience love for what felt like the first time, and then having all of that taken from you, you have gone through so very much. But I want you to know that you can make it through this. And you can come out happy on the other side. Because as I have already said, pain this deep and powerful means that you had love just as deep and just as powerful. Baby, it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Believe me, I know that firsthand. I love you so very much and I always, always will."

Her voice rang through my mind as clear and beautiful as a bell long after she stopped talking. She embraced me in a hug immediately after her speech and I felt as though I could literally feel my heart being stitched back together.

"Remember that I am always with you, baby girl."

And then, as suddenly as she had appeared, she was gone. I could still feel her, though. And for that I was extremely grateful.

When I awoke suddenly, I could still feel my mom in my heart. It made me so happy that I smiled for the first time in weeks. It actually hurt my facial muscles to do so. I climbed out of bed, wrapped my fluffy comforter around myself, and walked out onto my porch to lay on my swing. I stayed there for hours, just staring up at the sky and remembering my mother's face from the dream. It was absolutely flawless, just as it had been in real life. She looked so happy and healthy. And she wanted me to be happy and healthy too. A little while after the sun rose, I went inside and picked out one of my favorite athletic outfits, laid it out on the bed, then went and took a long, hot shower. I went straight to the gym and set an alarm on my phone for an hour, then played my favorite playlist on my music App. It felt so good to be working out again. My muscles screamed in protest almost the entire time, but I used the pain as motivation to never go that long without exercise again. I returned to my room for another shower (a quick one this time, just to wash all the sweat off) and then went downstairs in search of coffee and breakfast. To mine and his surprise, I saw Shane passing me on his way down the hall, seemingly headed for the Security Room, and flashed him a small friendly smile. He stopped dead in his tracks, eyes wide and mouth slack, then quickly composed himself and returned the smile.

"Miss Wilson. Good to see you're feeling better." he said stiffly.

I knew it was his way of apologizing for ignoring me for the past few weeks and telling me that he was happy I didn't look like such a blubbering mess anymore. It became apparent to me at that moment that he had only been trying not to make things any worse, and that he had probably been hurting as much as I had. In any case, I was ecstatic that he was talking to me again, even if he had returned to the pensive awkwardness he had dawned around me when I had first woken up.

"Nice day, isn't it, Mr. Steelman?" I said with another composed grin.

He nodded once in my direction and muttered,

"Indeed it is." before turning his back to me and heading back down the marble floored hallway.

Gladys was shocked but extremely relieved to see that I had come back from the dead and was ready and willing to help her make breakfast. She exclaimed how she had missed me over the last month and warned me that if I ever got like that again she was going to try and beat me out of it with her rolling pin. This made me laugh for the first time in so long. It sounded so strange to hear it.

As the following weeks went by, things slowly began to return to normal. I even started going places with Sam and Rosie again whenever they could convince me I wasn't being a third wheel. One night, James brought Lilly with him to work and I convinced Sam and Rosie to let me and Lilly dog sit Carl and Bash while they went out on a date. Gladys helped us make chocolate chip cookies for ourselves and peanut butter gluten free cookies for the dogs. We had a lot of fun. It felt so good to begin feeling things again, and even though I dreamed of him almost every night, it got easier and easier to be around Shane knowing that he cared enough about my safety not to get close to me again. It had taken a while for me to wrap my mind around that concept, but Dr. Wimble helped tremendously once I returned to my therapy sessions. I began to realize that it was much better to have Shane in my life as just a body guard and acquaintance than not at all.