AFTER THE HEARTBREAK: I CHOSE MYSELF

The call had been on for 37 minutes. I knew because I had been stating at the timer on my phone screen since minute one. 37 minutes of Demi talking. Of Demi explaining. Of Demi crying in that way that men cry when they know you are soft. "Zainab, Wallahi, I swear this is the last time. I was stupid. My friends pushed me. Please, just come back. You know I love you." For three years, this was our script. It never changed. He messes up. I caught him. I get angry. I block him on w******p, on normal call, on i********:. He calls me with his friends' phones. He comes to my house in Surulere without telling me, and my mother welcomes him because she doesn't know the full story. I forgive him. We are happy for two weeks, maybe three. Then we fight again. Bigger than before. My cousin Layla was sitting on the edge of my small bed, looking at me. She didn't say anything. She was just shaking her head slowly. She mouthed one word: "Don't." Layla is the only person who knows everything. How I used to wait by my phone after I blocked him, hoping he would call. How I used to post sad quotes on my w******p status hoping he would see. How I prayed Istikhara not to know if he was good for me, but to make him good for me. This time was supposed to be different. This time he had crossed a line. I said I would never accept it again. He had shouted at me in front of his friends. He had made me feel small. And yet, here he was. Begging again. "Zainab? Are you there? Are you listening to me?" his voice cracked. I was listening. But for the first time in three years, I felt nothing. I was waiting for the usual things to happen. I was waiting for the tears to gather in my eyes. Waiting for that tight, painful knot to form in my chest. Waiting for my heart to beat fast and say, "Okay, I forgive him. One more time. He loves you." Nothing came. No tears. No pain. No love either. Just . . ..nothing. Just tiredness. Deep, deep tiredness like someone who has been carrying a heavy bucket of water for three years and finally decided to drop it. "Demi," I whispered. My voice was not shaking. That scared me. "What?" he said quickly, hopeful. He thought the whisper meant I was softening. "I said, I'm tired." "What do you mean, tired? I said I'm sorry na. What else do you want me to do?" "I mean, I'm tired, Demi. I'm tired of fighting and coming back. I'm tired of feeling like love is supposed to be this hard. I'm tired of being the girl who is always crying on the phone for 37 minutes." There was silence on the other side. He was not used to this. He was used to me shouting, cursing, crying. My silence was new. "Zainab, you don't mean that. You love me," he said. I looked at Layla. Layla had tears in her eyes now. Because she knew. She knew that when a woman who loves too much finally says "I'm tired" in a calm voice, it is over. Not because she stopped loving him that day, but because she finally started loving herself a little bit more. " I did love you," I said. "For three years, I loved you with everything I had. But Demi, love is not supposed to make you feel like you are begging to be loved back." I ended the call. Not because I was angry. Because I had nothing left to say. For the first time, I ended the call first. The room was quiet. The small fan in my room in Surulere was making that small noise it always makes. A Danfo was honking outside. Layla came and sat next to me on the floor, not on the bed. She put her head on my shoulder. "What happened? What did you feel?" she asked softly. I looked at her and said the most honest thing I've ever said in three years. "Layla, I felt nothing. And that scares me more that when I used to cry. Because when I used to cry, it meant I still cared. Now I feel nothing. It's like he finally broke the part of me that used to love him." Layla hugged me tight. "That nothing is not empty, Zainab. That nothing is peace. That nothing is Allah taking his love out of your heart so you can have space for yourself." That night, I didn't block him. I didn't need to: I just put my phone on Do Not Disturb, made wudu, and prayed Isha. For the first time in months, I prayed without rushing to go back to check my phone. And when I went to sleep, I didn't dream about him. [END OF EPISODE 1] Healing Task: Have you ever stayed in something out of habit, not love? Write down one thing you are tired of tolerating. That's Day 0 of your healing.