Colliding Rulers

Love-Hate Relationship (3)

Gevia's P.O.V

"Hold up! Wait a minute. You're telling me that there's someone who looks exactly like Alex?" I nodded as aggressively as I could, to emphasize my surprise as well.

"Could Alex have a long lost twin or something?" I just asked for the sake of asking. I know Joshua doesn't know the answer. I remember him asking who Alejandro was.

"Well, don't look at me! I know nothing."

I sighed. But who knew that someone who looked exactly like Alex was here. Was Aeron overshadowed by Alex's picturesque face? That could easily be the case.

"Aeron looked built as well." Joshua's eyebrows wiggled, insinuating something. I had to roll my eyes to dismiss his thoughts.

"b***h, I have eyes. I saw it, okay?" he purred and smirked at me.

"Of course, of course."

Joshua was not buying my excuse this time. But he was right. I checked out Aeron's body before excusing myself. It was a waste that I didn't get to ogle for much longer.

"But if she's here, then why the hell am I not seeing this Aeron?" Joshua looked around, trying to spot Alex's twin. But, of course, to no avail.

"Yeah, no shit."

We had the same question.

"Well, I guess that's that. But are you sure you're not hallucinating?" Joshua asked. I had to scowl. Me? Hallucinating for that motherfucker? No way. That would have been the case if things were different, but that's not it right now. I hardly care about the motherfucker.

"I would never. Why would I hallucinate such things?" he shrugged,

"I don't know. Maybe you hate Alex so much that you started seeing the person." I sighed.

"No thanks. My life's already f****d up. I don't need another fucker." Joshua seemingly leaned away from me. I don't know why, and I didn't care to ask why. I let Joshua be until he sighed and nodded his head, patting me on the shoulder.

"Are you hungry? Let's go eat."

We went to the cafeteria and guess what? We saw Alex with their usual group. Alex was silent, and looking quite distant. The people around Alex seemed to be so dense to not see that Alex didn't want company. But why do I care? Why do I care so much about Alex? Motherfucker doesn't even care about me.

I wanted to slap myself. I couldn't stop looking at Alex's solemn face. It irked me. Those around Alex seemed not to care about Alex's feelings. Why do I keep on doing this to myself? Alex certainly, and obviously made me feel that they didn't care about me. I should do the same.

My mood immediately went south when I saw Alex. I couldn't see color. I see no one and my vision is pitch black. Well, not really. But I feel cold, and not physically. I didn't want to be around people at the moment. I'm reminded again of how much I try and yet I still suck. What is this feeling? The void inside me that kept on eating me from the inside, killing me slowly but surely.

I'm never going to be good enough.The words inside my head kept on repeating.

Inferiority complex. I guess that's what that is.

"Do you want ice cream?" I snapped back to reality, unfortunately.

"Huh?"

Joshua grinned, showing me his pearls before handing me a sundae. He winked at me and got himself a sundae. I looked at the ice cream, cold but sweet. I looked back at Joshua and he was happily paying for the sundaes. I felt teary-eyed. I don't know. My mood easily gets swayed. I must be going insane.

"Don't just stand there. Let's go sit and enjoy our sundaes on a Tuesday." I giggled at his joke, wiping the side of my eyes before walking to our usual table.

I feel light when I'm with Joshua. He could be a great boyfriend, but I haven't really viewed him as someone more than just a friend. He lifts up my mood. I don't know why I haven't been hanging out with him lately. I guess I was just too stubborn to give myself a break. I caused him inconvenience when he was just trying to help me. Am I even a good friend to him?

These questions made my chest ache.

"Go on, eat it. It's delicious, and guess what?"

"What?" he scoffed.

"b***h, I said guess." I giggled again. He was putting up such a show just to lift me up.

"I don't know, okay? Just spill." he rolled his eyes at me, scooped a spoon full of the sundae and tasted it. He moaned at the end, showing how delicious the sundae was.

"It's not pricey."

He did the exact same thing and still moaned.

"God, I love this sundae."

"I feel like you're exaggerating."

"Of course not. I take offense to that. For your information, I am a food man. I genuinely enjoy food." I nodded playfully, just messing with him.

"Alright, alright."

I scooped a bit of the ice cream, reluctant to even get a taste. Do I even deserve such a delicacy right now? My mental health was draining my physical body in more ways than one, even though I kept on sleeping. When the sundae entered my mouth, I immediately started sobbing. It wasn't your typical loud cry. My tears were running down silently while I continued eating the sundae.

Joshua didn't say anything. He stood up and sat beside me.

"Lean onto me," he said.

I did as he said and I leaned onto him. I let myself cry, wetting his shirt in the process. I honestly didn't care at that point. Joshua was doing a mixture of patting and massaging my back. He did those as he seemed fit. I couldn't see if someone was watching or not. All I cared about right now was how my life was such a mess.

I miss my mommy. I miss the old me, when everything was just an obstacle and I was causing havoc everywhere I went. The little princess that never cared about anyone else other than herself. That princess that everyone hated, but didn't bother touching. I've become so soft that I feel such an outcast even to myself.

Nothing was the same. My outer shell has been broken. I was such a diva, and I didn't have anyone then. Right now, I have Joshua and the level of comfort that he is giving me exceeds my very room.

"Everything's going to be alright."

Will it be though? Ever since I met Alex, I have realized how broken I was. Nothing was what it seemed. It felt like I only knew what was the very basic, the very outer shell. Nothing looked the same to me. How I perceive the world changed after I met that son of a b***h.

"I'm sorry," I kept repeating. I was such a disgrace to myself. I could feel myself hiccuping from crying so much. I couldn't stop there.

The noise of heavy footsteps and loud chatter from around the cafeteria reminded me that everyone else has their own lives. Mixing theirs with mine would be chaotic. The silverware clanking every now and then. Laughter from around us made me think that everyone was living their lives to the fullest while I sulked here, dragging Joshua down with me.

"There's nothing to be sorry for. We're humans. We tend to break."

There was nothing more powerful than that. We are humans and we tend to break. I am still human, no matter how I look at it. Any angle. Why was I being so hard on myself? I don't understand anything at the moment.

The path to knowing yourself takes more than just a smile that anyone could just decipher. Joshua brought up something so in depth that no shallow person could ever understand, nor take the time to think about it.

"Everything will eventually be okay," he wasn't saying things, as if immediately, it would happen.

I liked his choice of words. It may not be now, nor in the near future, but eventually. I liked the uncertainty that followed with a certain one. Two contradicting words that collided with each other, creating a harmonically balanced future. I liked it. He wasn't promising, but he wasn't dragging either. He just knew that it would.

"You don't have to go through it alone. Loneliness can eat you from the inside." he patted my back and leaned his head on the top of mine. It was his version of a hug. An embrace that I very much needed. The very hug that I tried so hard to push away because I didn't feel as if I deserved it.

"It's okay to lay your fangs on me. Wounds heal, scars are a reminder, and a lesson is an important tragedy for us to grow up." he was making so much sense.

When I talked to myself, how come it didn't sound so encouraging?