THE REGRETTABLE TEEN AGE

The Bucket List The word “dying” is not a word to be taken lightly. I should know. After all, I am. I have been for six months now. Those months were packed with many, many emotions. Tears seeped into my pillow, my head regularly pounded, and my stomach was in an eternal tight knot. These were all side effects of the fact that I knew a gruesome, destructive, wayward disease was creeping through my body, working to find the simplest way to bring me down. My mom would tell me to rely on God, that He has a plan, but I knew her pillow was as damp as mine in the middle of the night. My dad wished for me to be brave and to remember that it wasn’t merely me battling this sickness, but everyone who treasured me as well. My best friends, Sophia and Carter, just wanted me to have a good time. They always have, but now more than ever. That’s what makes them the best people for this job. I gaze out the window of the passenger seat, my long blonde hair twirling around me. My mind becomes dizzy from all the thoughts swirling in it. There was this face that people shot me whenever they discovered I had kidney disease. It was an expression that said, “Oh, that poor girl. And at age sixteen? What a tragedy…” Oh, how I despise that expression. Thankfully, I won’t have to see that offensive, sorry-for-you look for a while now because the following weeks are entirely about me and completing all my life goals. We won’t give my illness a single thought. I can thank the four people in this car for it. Sophia, who’s sitting directly behind me, has been there for me since the first grade. When I discovered my disease, she didn’t leave my side for a week. That’s when I recognized just how important she was in my life. She would remain next to me, crying along with me or doing whatever I needed her to do. Carter isn’t exactly that kind of person. He’s more like the one that gets you laughing when your down. The rare times I smiled after hearing the news was with both of them. However, my parents also amazed me–and still do. They mentioned a positive view in the darkest times but didn’t force me to believe it all the time. They understood if I needed some time to sulk. The heartbreaking discovery about my disease was just as difficult for them as it was for me. Though this trip might be regarding me, those special people are the ones that spent weeks preparing, scheduling, and adjusting each detail flawlessly. The only thing I had to do was make a list of anything I ever fantasized about doing. They made sure to emphasize anything. I had dwelled on the unimaginable options for various days, making sure my ultimate conclusion was one I wouldn’t regret. As we drove to our first destination–Glacier National Park, located in Montana–I couldn’t help but be interested in the days to come. Some could describe this list of courageous events as a bucket list. For me, it was more of an escape from the appalling realities of my life. Every one of these events was thoroughly thought over and chosen with purpose. I yawn. My exhausted body is overcoming the energetic thoughts as the car smoothly drives to our destination, it’s movement swaying me to sleep… *** I rub my eyes, my memory still foggy. It isn’t until I open them when I see the genuine purpose I came to this park. The waterfall in front of me is more than beautiful. It’s something much more. So significant I can’t form words with enough value and excellence to describe it. The way the water pours with ease, the enormous amount never ceasing. How it plunges far below the surface, creating splashes like a child in a bath. The surreal view distracts my flooded brain from the reason we came. Carter steps over to the path that guides you behind the waterfall, Sophia trailing close behind. My parents and I follow. I’ve always dreamed of standing behind a waterfall, breathing in the crisp natural air. Ever since I was young, something about them fascinated me. Once I made one descent from the bathroom sink. My mom was awfully mad, but it was a tremendous achievement for my five-year-old brain. A light mist sprinkles my face, drawing me back from the memory. I shut my eyes, truly grasping the beauty of God’s astonishing creation. . . My ears catch the sound of running and then a loud splash. I immediately open my eyes to see Carter hovering in the water beneath. He lets out a holler. “Come on,” he pleads, “Jump in, Sabrina!” I blink at the sound of my name. He wants me to jump in? It’s about a twelve-foot drop from the ledge we were standing on. He does stuff similar to this often, even though most are against the rules. However, Carter is the kind of person who believes rules are more fun broken. “It’s warm! Not even the slightest bit cold!” he winks, and I swear I notice him shiver. A new thought pops into my head. What if this is the last risk I ever take? Wouldn’t that be worth it? I’ve stayed on the safe side most of my life, but I feel like this trip is different. I have to make it different. One that will be worth every minute. “Come on. It’s fun!” he begs again, but he didn’t have to. I’m already soaring through midair, the decreasing water spraying me before I plummet into the brisk lake below. It might be the opposite of warm, but he was right; it is fun. *** “I don’t know about this…” I mutter, frightened as I gaze at the lengthy rope dangling over a two hundred foot drop. Sophia places her hand on my shoulder. “Don’t worry, ‘Brina. It’s going to be amazing!” My stomach jolts again at the sight of the zip line. What made me think sliding across a cliff on a tiny thread would be an enjoyable, life-changing event? We had previously completed three events. Visit a waterfall in Glacier National Park, go kayaking, and whitewater rafting. The previous ones were chosen because of my enjoyment of nature. The next ones were more daring and adventurous. However, right now I’m highly doubting the bold side of me. I feel paralyzed as I stand in Aerial Adventures located in West Yellowstone, Montana. I’m still attempting to understand why I believed zip lining would be pleasant only three days ago. Around me is a small platform where the equipment will be placed on me. A guide stands near the harnesses and ropes, assisting each person thoroughly. Sophia is already in her harness. After the guide triple checks, he nods his head. She glances at me for half a second before zooming away over a cliff, shouting in excitement as she goes. My stomach is doing cartwheels as the guide fastens me up. He finishes way too quick. After motioning for me to start, I capture one steady breath. Then I’m sliding away from him, gaining momentum immediately. As my mind grips the situation, I instantly look down. Not a good idea. My mind grows shaky and my heart is beating furiously. Far ahead, I notice Sophia waving her arms wildly. She stands alongside the zip line, her harness off, a grin on her freckled face. I can tell she’s pleased I put this on the list. I suddenly recognize it. I’m flying through the sky, like some of God’s most magnificent creatures. I’m doing something I would have never imagined me doing. It’s magical. The wind thrashing against me, my feet suspended in nothing but fresh air. I feel free. Free from my sickness. Free from the anxiety or distress. Free from the repulsive, haunting things in this world. For once, no thoughts swirl through my mind. It’s just me, escaping from my dramatic life as I soar from one thing to the next. *** The bucket list is rapidly decreasing. After zip lining, the five of us swam with sea turtles, took a surfing lesson, and tried many foods that other countries considered a delicacy. Each one made me overflow with enthusiasm. As we travel to our next destination, I feel the same energy I did in the beginning. I can tell whatever happens next is going to be spectacular. *** My mom looks at me as if I’m a little girl as we lift into the sky. Today, it’s just her and I on our own adventure. There was this book that Mom would read to me every night before bed. I believe it was titled Once upon a Balloon. It was the first book I read all by myself. I’m sure my mom was insanely tired of reading it, but she always did. It was our little book. Now it’s simply a memory, but one we’ll never forget. It’s the reason why we’re floating peacefully in the sky in Denver, Colorado. The rainbow hot air balloon is nothing short of enchanting. The view it provides is like a piece from heaven. It’s truly astonishing. The grass appears greener up here. The world seems larger. I feel like a preschooler again as we float in a basket, bright colors above and the wondrous world below. *** The bar locks, forcing me to stay. I certainly can’t go back now. Besides, this is the second to last thing on the list. The machine lurches forward. I gulp. Even with my dad sitting next to me, this was going to be the wildest event yet. Metal clicks together on the track in front of us. Even before twisting upside down, my stomach is a wreck knowing I’m about to ride the Valravn at Cedar Point. My dad and I have enjoyed the thrill of rollercoasters together since I was little. When I had the idea of riding a massive one side-by-side, it sent chills of excitement and nervousness down my spine. Especially since it could be the last one we ride together. A quick dip makes me shriek. The coaster rotates in a complete circle before starting up a hill that makes me wince. I can hear distant screams and view more and more of the park as we grow higher. Eventually, the loud noise of the chain stops, and for a second, we’re frozen on the top of the hill. Then everything switches. The coaster flies down the hill, dragging me with it. My stomachs in my throat when we tip over in a corkscrew. I can barely tell if we are right side up when a steep dip leaves my stomach at the top of the hill again. The coaster is speeding its way back where we started in about a minute. A laugh escapes me, but my legs feel weak as I step onto solid ground. I approved, but my stomach didn’t. I stood near a garbage can for the next five minutes, my stomach gurgling angrily. *** A peaceful fire dances in front of me. I observe it closely, taking in every flame. If this journey had given me anything, it’s hope. A fire starts with one flame and builds until it’s roaring. Each task was like a flame, giving me hope, and when added to the others, it created a faith as powerful as the roaring fire. I glance around at our temporary campground in the middle of Utah. Sophia’s silhouette lay across from me, toasting a marshmallow. Carter is resting on the other side, plucking single strands of grass out of the moist soil. ANOTHER EPISODE LATER TO BE CONTINUED