My Running Nightmare

Chapter 5

    Over the next few months, Renee was completely exhausted. She was up all night with Christian. She would get a few hours of sleep in between feedings, but then he would wake up again. It surprised her when Jesse got up in the middle of the night and changed him. He would bring him over to her after he was done as he couldn’t feed him. He had offered several times to get formula but Renee refused to give Christian formula. 

    Jesse had been really sweet like a real husband would be towards his wife. He kissed her goodbye before he left for work. He kissed her when he came home. He would bring her flowers occasionally. He never locked the doors when he left anymore. He had helped clean up the house and take care of Christian even though he was tired from work. Sometimes he even gave her a break and let her take a little nap while he watched Christian. Renee didn’t complain. She didn’t even bother to go lay down. She would just lay back on the couch and pass out. 

    Today they were heading to Christian’s checkup. Afterwards, she had an appointment to get checked. She was going to talk to the doctor about being put on birth control. She definitely didn’t want any more children. She had gotten lucky that Christian was Kevin’s baby. Of course, Jesse didn’t know that and she didn’t plan on letting him find out. She wasn’t sure what had gotten into him, but she wasn’t going to complain as he was being nice and not hitting her or sexually abusing her. 

    She knew once the doctor released her to have a normal s*x life again that it would start back up so she was at least going to protect herself from having his kids. She wouldn’t fight him when it came to s*x because it just hurt too much. Maybe if she just laid there, he would lose interest. That hadn’t worked for her before as it had normally just made him more aggressive. Then again, he hadn’t been acting like he was now.

    “What are you thinking about?” Jesse asked, taking Renee off guard.

    “Birth control,” Renee answered.

    “What?” Jesse asked.

    “I want the doctor to put me on birth control. I don’t want anymore kids,” Renee answered honestly.

    She looked at Jesse out of the corner of her eye to see if he was angry but his expression was thoughtful. Maybe he didn’t want kids in the first place? He had said he had only wanted a s*x slave since he was on the run. Having a bunch of kids would definitely be a burden if he had to pack up and run again. 

    “If you are thinking about birth control, then that means you are thinking about having s*x,” Jesse suddenly said as he grinned. 

    Renee frowned as she said, “That wasn’t exactly what I was thinking about when I mentioned it. I said I didn’t want more kids.”

    “You have to have s*x to have more kids.”

    “That’s true and you have made it clear before that no matter what I want you are going to have s*x with me.”

    Jesse sighed and said, “Haven’t I been nice to you lately?”

    “You’ve been nicer than you were, but at what cost? Are you just waiting until I heal up from having Christian before you force yourself back on me? I’m not really sure why you are being nice.”

    “I like you. You are the mother of my son. I’ve already told you that you belong to me now, so we might as well get along. I can be a nice guy. Would you rather me continue to treat you the way I am now or go back to the way I was before?” 

    “I’d rather you stay this way, but you can’t actually expect me to develop feelings for you. This isn’t a real relationship. I’m your prisoner. I know it pisses you off when I say it, but it’s true. All I can do is pretend in public and try to be nice at the house.”

    “Being nice at the house is a good start. You might just find that after some time, your feelings will change.”

    Had he lost his mind? Her feelings were not going to change. She was tolerating him so that he didn’t go crazy and do something insane like kill her, Christian, or Kevin. Her heart ached every time she thought about Kevin. Had he given up on her? Was he going to move on with his life without her? Even though it broke her heart, she hoped he would move on and find someone else to love. It wasn’t fair to him to live alone because she was no longer in his life. 

    He couldn’t go on wondering if she was dead or alive and waiting for her to come back when she never would. She prayed that he found someone to make him happy even though she would never be happy. Her eyes filled with tears as she thought about him loving someone else. She turned her face towards the window so Jesse didn’t see that she was about to cry. 

    They took Christian into his appointment and the doctor said he was looking really good. His weight looked good and he was developing normally. Jesse took her to her appointment and they all went in. The doctor did his pelvic exam while Jesse was in the room and Renee couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable. Jesse watched everything the doctor did and watched her face. Was he trying to see if she was enjoying it?

    If he had ever had a pelvic exam then he would know that it was not enjoyable in the least. Once the doctor had told her that everything looked fine and she was completely healed, they discussed birth control. He set her up for an implant in her arm. At least it wasn’t pills. Renee had never been good at keeping track of pills. The doctor had told them to use condoms until she had the implant in and it had time to take effect. 

    He also told her that the scarring that had been there was minimal now and that they should continue to stay away from the items they had been using before. He had looked right at Jesse when he had said it. Jesse’s face hadn’t changed. He hadn’t even blinked. The doctor had to suspect something or he wouldn’t have kept bringing it up, but Renee never spoke up about the r**e out of fear. Jesse had been good about covering his tracks. Not once but twice. He would be able to do it again and who knew what he would do the third time with nothing to lose. 

    Later that night, Jesse took her by surprise when he made dinner for them. He had her relax as he cooked. When he called her into the kitchen, there was a candle on the table and it was set with their food already on the plates. Renee’s eyebrows shot up as she saw this. Jesse pulled out a chair and waved at it. She slowly moved towards it, but stopped short, wondering what he was planning. She looked at the chair and then up at him, but he just raised an eyebrow, obviously waiting on her to sit down. She slowly sat down and he pushed the chair up to the table. He sat in the other chair and poured some wine in a cup for her.

    “You know I can’t drink wine. I’m breastfeeding.”

    “You can have a glass. You just have to pump before you feed again. You have some stored for when you go out with Christian. I can feed him next go round,” Jesse said as he smiled at her.

    “At the risk of pissing you off and winding up getting hurt because of it, why are you doing this?” Renee asked.

    “I told you already. I like you. I’m making an effort to be nice. I listen more than you think I do. And you told me something months ago that I heard. You seem to be responding well to me being like this.”

    Renee sat back in the chair, shocked. Was he talking about catching bees with honey over vinegar? Was he actually trying to catch her? It had been a little over a year since he kidn*pped her and she still cringed at his touch. She still hated it when he kissed her or hugged her. She felt like she was being suffocated when he wrapped her up in his arms and fell asleep. These were all things she had done with Kevin, but she had loved Kevin. She had been in a relationship with Kevin. She wasn’t in a relationship with Jesse and there was no way she was ever going to love him. How could he think she would even like him, let alone love him? For the better part of the year that he had her, he had beat on her and r***d her!  Being nice now wasn’t changing that fact.

    “What do you mean by you like me? I’ve done nothing but be a b***h to you. I’ve fought you tooth and nail on everything. I’ve only been complacent because I don’t want you to go back and harm Kevin or to harm Christian. I told you before that I would never develop feelings for you. I can’t care for someone who has beaten and r***d me. That will always be there no matter what you do now or in the future. Do you not understand that?”

    Jesse felt anger well up inside of him. He hid it so she didn’t see it on his face. He had been trying really hard to be nice so she would come around. He knew what he had done, but he had been trying to make up for it. Why didn’t she see that? He liked her. He liked the way she cared for Christian, how she loved him. Even when she was just pregnant with him, he could see how much she loved him. He loved the way she cared for the flowers. She put so much love and care into everything she did. There was just something about her that struck him and he wanted her to look at him that way. He wanted her to put that much love and care into him. 

    “I like you. I can’t believe you don’t know what I mean by that. I like you like a man likes a woman. I have watched you everyday for over a year. At first it was the fact that you did defy me at every turn. It pissed me off but turned me on. Then, when you found out you were pregnant, it was the way you looked at your stomach and talked to it. It was the love on your face when you thought about Christian or talked to him in your belly. It was the way you took care of the damn flowers. I want you to look at me that way! I know what I did, damnit! I know I was a bastard and nothing I do will ever change the fact that I did it, but you won’t even try to let me make up for it!” Jesse shouted as he pushed back from the table and stormed outside.

    Renee sighed as she closed her eyes. What was she supposed to do? Just forget that she was this man’s prisoner? Was she just supposed to forget the fact that he had tormented her by beating and r****g her? Was she supposed to forget that he would not allow her to leave and be with the man she loved? If she didn’t try to bring peace now, would she pay for this later? She rubbed her temples, trying to stop the headache that was forming. 

    She stood up and walked over to the door, staying just inside the doorframe. Jesse had his hands on the rails and his face towards the sky. It had started to rain and he was just standing in it. She didn’t want to go back to the old Jesse who tormented her. Could she find it in herself to have a relationship with him? She tried to step outside of herself and really look at him like a woman would who hadn’t been abused by him. 

    Jesse was tall. He was muscular but not too much, sort of lean. His jet black hair almost looked like a raven’s feathers when the sunlight hit it. It really was gorgeous. His gray-blue eyes were beautiful to look at. She knew his lips were full but just enough to be deliciously kissable. The man really was extremely attractive. His tattoos gave him a bad boy look about him. If he treated a woman the way he had been treating her for months now, then it would be highly likely that she would have had a relationship with him. 

    But, she couldn’t get past the fact of what he had done, and the fact that she was his prisoner. Or the fact that she was in love with Kevin and always would be. But, at the same time, she had to make the best of her life now because it wasn’t going to change. Jesse had already told her that she belonged to him and she wasn’t going anywhere. She knew in her heart that she would never love him, but could she find it in herself to at least like him? If she had a normal relationship with him, would he allow her to have a normal life? One where she could go out by herself and have friends, maybe even a job?

    Renee shivered as she walked out into the cold rain. How could he stand out in the cold like this? It was cold as hell outside and raining too. She walked up to him and slipped under his arm so she was standing in front of him. He looked down at her and she saw sadness in his eyes. She was taken aback that she had actually hurt him. She never intentionally hurt people. She wrapped her arms around him and placed her head on his chest. All she could do was try to make her life work the way it was now since it was never going to change even though it broke her heart.

    Jesse wrapped his arms around her and he felt her shivering. He wasn’t sure if it was from the cold or because she was close to him. He walked her back into the house, closing the door behind them. He took them into the bedroom and started to take off her wet clothes. He hadn’t touched her in a long time. His body had ached to claims hers but he hadn’t. Now, he found his hands touched her body with each piece of clothing he discarded. 

    Renee stood there and let Jesse touch her. She had already decided that she wouldn’t fight him. She closed her eyes and tried to fight the urge to tense up or cringe away from his touch. She felt Jesse’s hands stop on her hips and stay there. She slowly opened her eyes and looked at him. He was watching her face. She lowered her eyes, not able to look him straight in the eye. 

    “Why do you close your eyes every time I touch you?”

    “Do you want me to answer that honestly?” Renee asked.

    “Of course I do. I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t.”

    Renee sighed and said, “Because I’m trying not to jerk away from you. I’m trying to forget who it is that’s touching me.”

    “Are you imagining someone else is touching you?”

    Renee’s head jerked up and she looked at Jesse. Had he figured out that she had imagined Kevin touching her before? His eyes held anger, but there was a hint of something else there as well. Jealousy? Sadness? What was it? If she could just bring herself to see him as an attractive man who wanted to have s*x with her then she may be able to enjoy his touch, but all she could think about was how he had continuously r***d her and hurt her over and over again. 

    “No. All I can think about is what comes with your touch, and it’s never a good feeling. So, I just try to disconnect my mind. You wanted to know the truth, there it is,” Renee said as she crossed her arms over her breasts, feeling embarrassed. 

    “Fine. Close your eyes, but don’t disconnect yourself. Just let yourself feel a touch. Don’t think of me touching you. Just think of it as a man touching you and bringing you pleasure. Allow yourself to participate and see where it goes.”

    “I can’t. It’s all I can do not to jerk away as soon as I see you coming towards me.” 

    When Renee looked at him, he saw the fear in her eyes. She had never let him see it before. No matter how much he had hurt her, she had remained defiant. She had never once showed him fear, just anger. She had bottled up her pain and turned it into hatred. Showing him vulnerability was new for her. It struck something deep inside of him. He slowly wrapped his arms around her and moved his face close to hers. 

    He felt her body tense as she waited for him to get angry and hit her. When he didn’t, her eyes widened in surprise. He brushed his lips lightly against hers and moved his hands around so he could grab her hands. He placed them on his chest as he moved back slightly. 

    “I know what I did to you and I know it’s hard for you to move past. I know you expect me to hit you or do worse to you every time I touch you. I can understand your dislike of me, but I am trying to do better. Look at me, really look at me, while I touch you. I want you to touch me, too. If it gets to be to much for you, then I will stop.”

    Renee bit her lip. She didn’t believe him. This was a ploy to get her to trust him so he could punish her when she didn’t do something he wanted. She just knew it. Jesse let go of her hands and moved back from her. She watched him as he slowly undressed. Again she tried to look at him as a woman would who wanted to sleep with him. She tried to think of him as just some random guy she had picked up at a bar. 

    Jesse stepped up to her and he ran his hands up her arms and over her collarbone. His hands moved up her neck and into her hair. He began to play with it as he ran his fingers through it. When she felt his fingers massaging her scalp, her eyes closed. He wanted her to look at him, but he didn’t tell her to open her eyes back up. In fact, he knew she was enjoying what he was doing so he didn’t mind her closing her eyes. He leaned in and kissed her as his fingers continued to massage her scalp. 

    He lightly ran his tongue across her bottom lip. Her lips parted and he moved his tongue inside her mouth. Renee placed her hands on his chest and began to kiss him back as her body relaxed into him. His fingers were working magic on her as playing with her hair and scalp were just so relaxing. And having a guy do it had always been one of her turn ons. 

    Jesse moved his fingers through her hair and then slowly ran his fingertips down her back. He felt her start to shake and he knew she was feeling fear but she didn’t stop him. He broke the kiss and moved back just enough to have a little space in between them. He began to kiss down her neck to her collarbone as his hands lightly trailed down her back to her butt. He felt her hands slowly move up his chest to his shoulders. 

    He lifted her up and she quickly wrapped her legs around him as her arms slid around his neck. She yelped as he moved towards the bed. He made little soothing noises in her ear as he slowly laid her down on the bed, following behind. She released her grip on him and he went to work on making her feel good. His touch was light on her body as his lips placed featherlight kisses where his hands had been.

    “Look at me, Renee. I’m not going to hurt you. See me for who I really am,” Jesse pleaded as he placed another kiss on her lips.

    Her breathing had quickened, but, he knew it was from fear. She hadn’t told him to stop so he kept going. If she did, then he would keep his word to her and leave her be. He kissed and sucked her breasts as his hand slowly made its way down to her thigh. He felt her body tense back up as his fingers brushed her folds. Jesse looked at her and saw her eyes were open. 

    He moved so she was looking directly into his eyes. He didn’t move so she was looking at him the entire time he moved his fingers back and forth over her. Her breathing started to slow from the erratic pace it had. Her fingers loosened their tight grip on his shoulders and began to explore his back. Jesse took his hand from her and he saw her eyes flick to his hand as he placed his fingers in his mouth. 

    “Don’t tense up,” Jesse said as he slowly pushed his fingers inside of her. 

    He saw her eyes close and felt her body tense slightly and he knew she was fighting her own body. He continued to go slow with her as his fingers moved slowly in and out of her. She wasn’t as wet as he would like but she was somewhat wet. Her body had responded to his touch even if it was only slightly. He kissed his way down her neck to her breasts, and her back arched as he began to suck her n****e. He had to force his hand to slow back down as her reaction had excited him and his hand had picked up it’s pace. 

    Renee closed her eyes as his hand drew close to her inner thigh. She knew what he was going to do and it frightened her. She knew the doctor had said she was completely healed but she was waiting for the pain to come. It surprised her when it didn’t. Jesse was being really gentle and sweet with her like it was her first time having s*x. She was afraid and couldn’t get past it. She was fighting her own body to relax and she was winning to a certain degree. With her eyes closed, she could think of someone else besides Jesse. But, when her eyes had been open, Jesse had made sure that she was staring into his eyes. The look in them had been gentle. 

    She felt him begin to kiss down her body. His mouth took over where his hands had been before. He kissed and sucked and licked her breasts, and started making his way down her stomach. He nipped her side and she jerked. It slightly tickled but was also one of her turn ons. He kissed his way down to her hip and began to lick lazy circles on it. Renee’s breathing quickened again, but this time, it wasn’t from fear. 

    Jesse felt Renee jerk when he nipped her side, but her reaction was different when she jerked this time. Her body jerked and it tightened around his fingers. When he began to lick her hip, he felt her body get wet and get a little bit tighter. He replaced his thumb with his tongue and listened as her breathing sped up, but it sounded different than it had before. She wasn’t scared but enjoying what he was doing. It spurred him on to move a little faster. He was wondering if she was imagining someone else doing this as she only responded after she had closed her eyes, but at this point, he would take it. 

    Maybe over time, she would get used to it being him and come around. As he moved his fingers and tongue faster in and out of her and over her nub of pleasure, she moved her fingers into his hair. She liked the feel of it’s softness as she moved her fingers through it. She gasped and her fingers gripped his hair as she felt him start to suck on that little nub. Her hips arched off the bed as she pressed his head a little tighter into her.

    Jesse liked her reaction and his fingers sped up more than he had planned on, but she still didn’t stop him. Instead, her body responded and he felt her grow wet and get tight around his fingers. He pushed his luck and started to go even faster, but when she still didn’t say stop, he kept going until he heard her cry out. His body jerked in response. He quickly moved up her body and pressed himself against her. 

    Her eyes flew open and he felt her body tense again. He was hoping she wouldn’t have that reaction when he went to claim her body with his. He had hoped with her just getting off, she would be in a good mood and react differently this time. He watched as she bit her lip and she opened her mouth like she was going to tell him to stop, but she quickly shut it. She closed her eyes again and tried to relax her body. He could feel it wasn’t working. 

    “Open your eyes, Renee. I want you to see me while I take you. I want you to know that I’m not going to hurt you. I told you that you can tell me to stop at any point,” Jesse said.

    Renee shook her head no. She couldn’t bring herself to look at him as he claimed her body and hurt her yet again. He was lying when he said he wasn’t going to hurt her. He always hurt her. She felt his hand on her chin, gripping it, stopping her from moving her head back and forth. He kissed her lips and then moved back slightly.

    She opened her eyes up and looked at him, waiting for him to take her. Her body was starting to ache from being tensed up. Jesse moved himself against her and started to push himself inside of her just a little bit. Renee closed her eyes and he stopped, waiting for her to open them again. When she finally did, he moved a little bit more.

    “Stop. I can’t do this,” Renee panted.

    Jesse saw her eyes were full of panic and her breathing had become ragged like she was about to hyperventilate. He pulled out of her and put his head on her chest. He was trying to control himself from     taking her anyway. He had promised her that he would stop and he was going to keep that promise. He didn’t want to take her by force anymore. He liked her reaction to him just now. He wanted her to want him. He rolled off of her and onto his back. He closed his eyes and groaned as he was still hard as a rock and it was causing him some discomfort.

    Renee laid there, surprised that Jesse had actually stopped like he said he would. Her breathing was so ragged that it was hurting her chest. He hadn’t went far enough in to hurt her, but she had been to scared to let him. She turned her head as she heard him groan and saw him laying on his back with his arm over his eyes. Her eyes traveled down his body and she saw he was still hard. She felt her face get hot. He had done something for her and taken his time with her. She took a deep breath and held it before slowly releasing it. She had to get herself under control before she could do anything. Was she actually going to be able to have s*x with him? Only one way to find out.

    Once she had her breathing under control, she slowly lifted up so she was on her knees beside Jesse. He felt her weight shift, but he didn’t even bother to look at her. She had asked him to stop so he had. She was probably getting off of the bed and away from him since he had given her the opportunity to run away. When he felt her throw her leg over him, his eyes shot open and he moved his arm.

    He watched her as she moved herself over him and her hand moved in between them. He felt her grip him and he couldn’t hold back his groan. Her eyes shot up to his and he looked into her eyes as she squeezed him and held him in place as she lowered herself down onto him. He wanted to touch her but he was worried that if he did, she would quickly move away. This was her show. Maybe she had been afraid of what he would do if he took her, but if she controlled the pace, she wouldn’t get hurt. 

    Her body was shaking as she lowered herself down on him. She stopped moving as his arms moved. He put his hands up, palms facing her as he moved his hands behind his head, letting her know that he had no plans of touching her. This was all on her. He was going to stop his natural instinct to touch her and just lay back and enjoy what she was going to do. She finished sliding down on him and he groaned as he felt her completely surrounding him. 

    She started to move slowly as she got comfortable with what she was doing. Jesse watched her and tried not to move so he wouldn’t spook her but he was finding it very hard to do as his natural urge was to thrust up into her and grab her hips and breasts. Her eyes were glued on his. Was she watching him to see if he was going to try anything? He found he enjoyed that she was watching him. When she started to pick up the pace a little bit, he rolled his hips under her and thrust up just a little. 

    Her eyes widened and her lips parted. A slow grin spread across his face. So, she did enjoy that move. He did it again, but this time he thrust up a little bit harder as her body came down on his. She moaned as her eyes closed. He took the chance and moved his hands out from behind his head and placed them on her thighs, sliding them up towards her hips. He mentally cursed himself as her body stopped moving. She looked at his hands and suddenly she had them pinned above his head. 

    “Don’t do that again,” Renee said as she slowly began to move again.

    “Whatever you say, darlin’,” Jesse drawled as he leaned his head up and took one of her breasts in his mouth. 

    He couldn’t resist anymore. They were swinging in his face. With her breastfeeding, it was different trying to play with her breasts. He got a mouth full of milk. It had an odd taste. She laughed as he sputtered some. He nipped her breast for laughing at him, but that just made her laugh harder. It was a genuine laugh and it made him smile. She leaned down and kissed his lips as she slid back and forth on him, never letting him move his hands. He laced his fingers through hers as he continued to roll his hips and thrust up. 

    Renee broke the kiss and sat up as she picked up the pace. Jesse felt her tightening around him and he wanted to grab her hips so badly and start slamming himself into her, but he knew he couldn’t. His grip on her hands tightened and she looked at him again, her eyes never leaving his. It was extremely intimate. Renee moved their hands and placed his on her waist with hers on top of his just in case he got to rough. 

    He gripped her and started to thrust up hard and fast, trying to keep himself somewhat under control. Renee started to tighten around him and he groaned as she gripped him. She started grinding on him as fast as she could and she felt herself explode all around him. It took her by surprise as well as Jesse. Jesse gripped her and slammed himself upwards as he released as well. 

    He pulled Renee down on to the bed. She laid down against his side and he wrapped his arm around her. She started to put her arm on him, but stopped. Jesse grabbed her hand and put her arm over him, lacing his fingers through hers. He kissed the top of her head and closed his eyes, content with what had just happened. Renee laid there for a while wondering what had just happened. Had she really just given in to Jesse, her tormentor? She laid there until Jesse got up and heated up their supper for them.