100 Reasons Why I Shouldn't Be Alive

Ryder stood in the middle of the small downstairs bathroom with the door locked and his white wireless headphones slipped over his sensitive ears. The overwhelming smell of bleach still singed his nose hairs as he grabbed his toothbrush from the drawer with a small itch to the tip of his nose. He turns on the tap shortly after and when his favorite song starts to play in its badass melody, the twenty-year-old begins to dance to the beat as he brushes his teeth with a large smile plastered on his face. But I'll let you in on a little secret. There is absolutely no reason why this man should be smiling. Just one week ago from this very day, the hopeful young man was forced to drop out of college against his will. And on that same day, his mother disowned him for circumstances he had no control over. Five days ago, his heart was broken by the man he loved and he was called out as an insignificant stepping stone to other people's happiness. Three days ago, unable to control the overwhelming feelings of disappointment and heartache, he fell back into the arms of self-harm. A large 'H' formed out of multiple cuts, still burned on his thick thigh for Helpless, Hopeless, and Hated. Because these days, it seemed like everyone hated Ryder. But no one could hate Ryder as much as Ryder hated himself. And yesterday he spent the entire day outside his younger brother's high school; which was surrounded by armed S.W.A.T teams and law enforcement, during a suspected school shooting. The chaos of it all still freshly embedded in his mind. This was only the icing on the cake in comparison to the years of ordeals which he had endured from birth in a series of unfortunate events that continuously screamed at him, telling him he shouldn't be alive. And yet he still manages to look in the mirror and smile. Why, do you ask? Because rock bottom never felt so good.