Goodgirl Gone Gay (and Pregnant)

Monday, August 10, 2018 Dear Diary, My senior year begins today. This year is going to be a big one for me. I’ve got auditions, essays, applications, and all college classes this year. I’m f*****g terrified. The application for Brown opens this week, and I feel like I’m totally unprepared. I spent my whole summer planning and preparing for this application and audition, and now I’m completely questioning everything I’ve accomplished. I’ve got to head to band practice this morning.  Xoxo, Izee     I put my diary under my mattress and grabbed my backpack and trumpet. When I got to my beat up ‘02 Honda Civic I turned my music all the way up before backing up. A little All Time Low to get my morning started off right was just what I needed. I backed out of my driveway and started on my way to school when I saw a U-Haul pull up to the house next to mine. We haven’t had neighbors in that house since Mrs.Trivinski died back in ‘06. She was a 76 year old woman who seemed sweet and innocent, but when she died the cops found about 30 pot plants in her attic and 10 pounds of weed stuffed in her closet. I sat there and watched them for a bit, shocked that we didn’t know someone was moving into that house, when a girl about my age drove up to the house in a 2017 Mercedes Benz. I didn’t realize I was blocking the drive-way until she honked at me and flipped me off while yelling for me to get the hell out of her way. I flipped her back off and drove off.     When I got to school, I went straight to the band room to rehearse with my director for my audition for Brown before we had to go outside and practice our drills for the game this friday. My best friend Veronica was already on the field when I got out there. She’s the clarinet section leader, just as I am the trumpet section leader. She’s been in Spain since June, and you can tell by her smooth, tan, olive skin. She has beautiful long, black hair, which she has in braids today. If we hadn’t been friends since we were able to walk, I would have been extremely jealous of her looks. I’m fair skinned with green eyes and blonde hair. My mom always told me my green eyes came from my dad, who died the day after I was born in a car accident. Veronica is 5’8” and has long, built legs and a body to kill for. I’m barely 5’0” and I’ve got skinny legs and a flat chest and ass. She’s one of the hottest girls in the school, and she’s definitely the smartest. She’s already been accepted into Yale, Harvard, Brown, and Penn State. Her ACT score is a 36, but mine is right under hers at a 35 and I’ve yet to even apply for a school.      She grabs me by the arm and pulls to the side and starts talking about her trip to Spain, which she got back from on Saturday. I listen for a while, but then the breeze blows in just the right way so I get a smell of her shampoo, which mixes with her perfume. The smell distracts me and I think about kissing her. I’ve never thought about kissing a girl before, but I just thought about kissing my best friend. Why am I still thinking about this? Do I have a crush on her? There’s no way, I’m not even gay. I had a boyfriend for 2 years before we broke up in April. We never had s*x, but I thought about it alot. There’s no way I’m gay.   “Izee! Are you there? Mr. Jensley just blew his whistle to get on our dots. Are you okay? “Yeah, I’m fine. Just got a little distracted, that’s all.”     I went over to my section and got them situated before I went to my own dot. We marched our way through our pieces about 10 times before it was finally time to pack up and go to second period. On my way to English, I saw the girl from the Mercedes trying to open the locker next to mine. I thought about helping her, but I was already almost late to class. I couldn’t be late or Mrs. Savilly would never let me live it down. Class started and Mrs. Savilly was taking attendance. She said Adam’s name, and I automatically looked over to where he was sitting when he said “here.”      Adam Trone. The hottest guy at Eastburg High. I guess he could feel someone staring because he turned around and looking at him. I looked away and hid my face so he couldn’t see me blush. I hadn’t realized I still had a crush on him until I saw him just now. When David broke up with me back in April, I was devastated. We had been together for 2 whole years, and on our second anniversary he dumped me. I layed in bed moping most of the time I wasn’t in school. When I was at school, all I could think about was David and whether or not I would run into him. Thankfully he graduated last year or I would still be worried about it. I spent all summer trying to get him out of my head by throwing myself into prepping for Brown. Now that I’m not with David anymore, I’m allowed to appreciate the attractiveness of other males again. I shouldn’t feel bad about staring at Adam. I mean, I’m sure he’s used to the attention. Every girl drools at him. I guess I just feel a bit awkward because of the summers we used to spend at the campground, and the fact that I still haven’t gotten over that childhood crush.      Just as I was starting to think back to that last summer, someone came barging in the door. She walked up to Mrs. Savilly’s desk and laid a slip down in front of her. Mrs. Savilly picked it up and pointed to the empty chair next to mine as if to say ‘have a seat’. The new girl threw her bag on the ground and sat down in the seat. I’m not sure if she meant to sit down as slowly as she did, or if I was just so mesmerized by her that it seemed longer. She had long, dark brown hair, maroon lipstick, a very tight, V-neck t-shirt, and a very tight pair of skinny jeans on. Her perfume smelled like a sweet vanilla and flowery mixture. You’re thinking about another girl! Izee what are you doing? You’re not gay. Damnit b***h, get your s**t together and focus.      I managed to make it through the rest of the class without looking at the new girl or Adam. I’m not sure what has gotten into me today, but I don’t need to dwell on it. I need to focus on getting through the rest of the day and getting off to a good start. If I’m going to get into Brown, I’m going to have to kick ass. Veronica came flying out one of the classes in the history hallway and pulled me to her by my waist in her arm. This is something she’s done for years, and I’ve never felt this reaction to it before, but right now, my face is getting red, my heart beat is speeding up, and I wish she would just wrap me into a long, warm hug so I could smell her beautiful, soft hair. Holy s**t, Izee. You’re gay. You are so gay. You have a crush on your best friend, AND the new girl. You need to focus. She doesn’t have to know about this. You’re not going to tell her. You are going to walk to class and act like nothing is different, you understand me? I mean, of course you do. I’m you. Shut the f**k up and go to class.      I made it through the rest of the day, but I couldn’t stop thinking about the things I felt today. I decided to drown out my thoughts with my Falling in Reverse CD and drove home. It worked until I pulled up to my house to see the new girl pull up in her Benz right behind me. She didn’t seem as she was in much of a hurry, unlike the last time she was driving behind me. I went inside, but not before taking a peek at her get out of her car and go into her house. She’s got a nice ass. Damnit Izee, you seriously need to shut the f**k up you gay b***h. Mom wasn’t home, and probably wouldn’t be until late tonight, so I went into the kitchen, grabbed a water and an apple, and ran upstairs to work on my essay for Brown. I only have two more days before the application opens, and I want to make sure I’m ready to go.