Anchor

Part 5 - Nightmare

    That night I awoke to faint voices radiating urgency. Darkness had its hold on the room and my eyelids fluttered open before crashing back down. Large hands encompassed my waist gently pulling my up from the warmth of the sheets.

    “f**k, she’s burning up.” Stellan growled.

    “Well it’s like a f*****g sauna in here. Pretty sure she’s not the only one sweating her t**s off.”

    As he scooped me up into his embrace, the chill of his cool skin against my arms was inviting, so much so that I tried to savour it. Limp, I moved with his movements, my head lolling from side to side as he carried me into the hall. Vibrations rippled from his torso like an alarm trying, and failing to bring me back around, “Kitty, can you hear me? It’s Stellan. If you can hear me then just know that I’m gonna help you, but you’re not gonna like it and I’m sorry.”

    A ragged breath escaped me. I listened to their footsteps, taking in the rhythm of their movements. Stellan’s heartbeat drummed hard in my side, increasing as he kicked open a door in the hall.

            “Don’t just f*****g stand there, go get the ice!”

    I wanted to move, wanted to call out, to grip his arms and tell him I was fine. But maybe, just maybe, this was the worlds way of telling me to call it day, that my time was up and what was waiting for me on the other side would be the open arms of my dad and something far better than this.

     But no.

    His breath tickled my neck as he cradled me to him, “Stay with me, please Kitty, just wake up.” His voice was filled with anguish and even in the state I was in, it broke my heart.

    Meltdown.

     Drips from the tap caught my attention first, then the splashes from the cubes of ice colliding with the now filled bath. I knew what was coming before it happened.

     The sides of the tub couldn’t hold me as I thrashed around in the freezing water, needing to free myself from the hold he had on me. Ice slid over my goose bumps, making them raise further, my teeth chattered loudly almost pleading with him to let me out.

    “Stell, you should probably let her up now. She doesn’t look like she wants to be in there,” Jodie cried out. I gasped for air, water splashing over my face. Her voice broke as she tried to gain his attention once more, “She can’t breathe. Let her up.”

    Outside the house, the wind had increased tenfold. Windows chattered and the earth seemed alive and moving beneath us.

            “You need to stop this. Just look around you, it’s a mess out there. Get her up and make it stop.” She begged him and for my sake, I hoped he would listen.

    With his hand unmoved from my chest, he spoke through gritted teeth, “Kitty, you need to calm down, I’ll let you out once you’ve stopped struggling, this is for your own good. Please.” He meant well, it wasn’t like he was trying to hurt me, in fact it was the opposite, whatever was happening to me, he was there to help me. I slowed, energy pouring out of me becoming one with the now warming waters. After a moment of shock, his words subdued me. I turned to find Jodie and Stellan both staring intently at me, my half submerged body fully clothed in the bathtub. After witnessing me limit my movements, he lifted his hand from my chest, leaving me clutching the sides of the tub. He wrapped both palms over my shoulders, even with his towering height as he crouched in front of me, I found myself arching my neck up to meet his gaze. Jodie had moved to the toilet seat, resting her head in her hands, looking more exhausted than I.

“W-What hap-pened?” I asked, trying to steady myself.

“You were screaming in your sleep and-” Stellan’s sentence was cut short.

“And you almost melted the house with your stupid-”

A low growl cut Jodie off. Her brows furrowed and face fell back with a sigh. She waved her hand in the air to let him continue explaining.

            “Jodie heard you scream and when she came to check on you, you were laying there in a puddle of sweat, so she came and woke me. You had a pretty bad fever.” The back of his hand stroked my forehead, “It doesn’t seem as bad as it was. How are you feeling?”

            “F-fine. I me-an, cold, but… fine.” I craved a peaceful sleep, needed a night without the added “mare” on the end. Stability and normality I wanted, but my life was in shambles, I didn’t know if I was coming or going, let alone who was coming for me.

Jodie stood and grabbed a towel from the cabinet, pushing it in his side.

            “Looks like she’s ready to get out.” It was probably the exhaustion, but I was sure I she seemed relieved. Maybe she didn’t hate me as much as she let on, or maybe she just didn’t want me to die in her bathroom. Either way, it was nice to not have so much hostility between us. Stellan wrapped his arms around my waist and lifted me from the water. I watched him focus on where his hands were placed, trying to be a gentle as he could.

            “I’m not hurting you, am I?”

I shook my head. I was still processing the situation. Once out of the tub with the towel wrapped around me, Jodie took that as her cue to leave. The wet clothes clung to me like a second skin and I stepped closer to Stellan for warmth.

            He guided me back to the bedroom, my legs ready to cave at any moment, but he stayed close. He stopped at his drawers and pulled out a fresh pair of tracksuit bottoms and a clean oversized jumper. Still, I couldn’t figure out why he was helping me, his kindness seemed to have no bounds. I took the clothes from him as he headed for the door. This time, I didn’t want to be left with my own thoughts.

            “Stellan?” He paused at my words. “Can you… I don’t…” The room grew uncomfortably silent, my sentence unfinished. I focused on the floor, my feet shuffling, my hands playing with a stray thread on the towel. The door closed and I lifted my sights, relieved that Stellan understood that I didn’t want to be alone.

            “Would you mind facing that way real quick? Just whilst I get changed.” I waved the clothes in front of me.

His mouth widened and a yawn escaped him, “Sure thing.”

The towel made a thud as it landed on the ground, heavy and drenched. Stellan’s muscles tensed in his back. After peeling away my second skin, I changed into the fresh clothing and climbed back into the bed.

            “I’m done.” I said sheepishly.

As he turned, he smiled, shaking his head.

            “What?”

            “Nothing. You just, look so tiny.”

Unconsciously I tucked my hair behind my ear, pulling the covers up to preserve the heat. Slowly he moved to the end of the bed, sitting like a guest in his own home.

            “Can I ask you something?” I turned on my side and propped my head with my arm.

            “Shoot.” His head whipped round to face me.

            “Will you… stay awake until I fall asleep?”

I knew he had already done so much for me and I felt rude asking but before I could take it back, I already had my answer.

            “Who says I was planning on sleeping anyway?” He teased, “But yes, I will stay up for as long as you need.”

I patted the space on the bed next to me.

            “I don’t expect you to sit there the rest of the night like a statue.”

    The bed dipped from his muscular frame and I couldn’t help but take in his sharp jawline, light shade of stubble and, dark circles. It dawned on me, he had been by my side almost the whole time since I woke up in hospital and I hadn’t seen him sleep, rest, eat or take general care of himself. And yet here I was asking more of him. He pulled his arm up to rest behind his head.

            “Why am I here?” His eyes bore into mine as if I’d asked him to tell me his darkest secrets.

            “What do you mean?”

            “I mean, why did you bring me here? You don’t exactly know me. Yet here we are, I’m in your house- your bed for Christ sake. I don’t get it.”

            He sighed. “You’re a fighter, Kitty. I can see that clear as day. But your whole world just got turned upside down," the struggle evident in his words, "if anything happened to you then I’d blame myself.”

I couldn’t wrap my head around it; none of the other officers from that night cared. It was just another part of their job. I wondered if he acted like this with everyone he helped, making it his personal mission to help beyond the line of duty.

            “But I’m not your responsibility. If you left me and something did happen then you would have no ties to me whatsoever. You couldn’t blame yourself for something you had no control over. Don’t get me wrong, I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me. But I also don’t want you to feel like you have to help me.”

There was a long silence and I could see the cogs turning. I watched as he closed his eyes, revelling in the soft angles of his cheeks in the dim glow of the bedside lamp. I had so many questions that needed answers yet here I was snuggled in bed mindlessly gawking at the man before me. He angled his head in my direction, watching me watch him.

            “There’s a lot you don’t know and I don’t want to see you get hurt. So please, don’t think I don’t want you here, because I do,” his hand connected with my thigh, giving me a gentle pat, “I really do.”