Unconditional Love

March 20, 2023 Dear Diary, How do you define Unconditional Love? Well, when you look it up on google, what does it mean to love someone unconditionally…Googles definition is, the selfless act of loving someone with full acceptance and without expecting anything in return. I don’t think I have experienced what it is like to love someone unconditionally. I would like to talk about having unconditional love for a significant other. Two words Grayson Stone. Grayson Stone what an exquisite phenomenon God created. His green eyes are more defined to a beautiful blueish green up close. His lips are so soft they could kiss me all over my body and I do not realize because they are so light on my skin. The way he kisses me with so much passion yet so much determination to swallow every word about to come out of my mouth. His touch on my cheek, I can still feel it on every part of my body. The eagerness I can feel radiating from his body has my body aching for more. His words in my ears are the quietest yet demanding words that could be spoken from any man’s mouth and I just want to listen. I can still feel his hot breath breathing down my neck and his kisses placed on every inch of my body. He’s so careful with my body like it’s a snowflake and he doesn’t want me to melt. But then he can be so aggressive yet still gentle. He knows what he wants, and he wants me. In therapy today my therapist taught me a grounding technique because my anxiety gets so bad that I cannot function. That’s what happens when you are abandoned twice. But the only thing I can focus on is Grayson. 5 things I see - his watercolor eyes, his hands on my body, his hair with the little curly Q at the top, his defined muscles and his love for me as we make love. 4 things I hear – those smacking noises while our bodies are trying to mold into one, him trying to catch his breath through each thrust, the “I Love You’s” he whispers in my ear, the grunts of pleasure. 3 things I feel – his left hand on my breast and his right-hand circling on my sweet spot, his p***s penetrating me with such force that it makes my eyes roll into the back of my head, his hot breath on my skin. 2 things I smell - the scent of s*x (I guess you could say the significant smell of ejaculation and me c*m mixed together), the scent of his deodorant sweating off his body (smell of trees) 1 thing I taste - I taste him as our tongues intertwine with one another. But surely that’s not what my therapist meant. Is it even possible for one person to be responsible for the reason why you choose to keep going? I used to say to myself “just one more day” dreading the mornings of doing anything just to stay occupied and now I say to myself “I am looking forward to today”. All my therapist wants to know is about what happened 7 years ago and even Grayson doesn’t know. I just haven’t had the confidence to tell him. Back onto what my therapist wanted me to talk about was, I got into a car accident 7 years ago March 20, 2016, I with my little sister Carson. I was 20 and Carson was 18. We weren’t that far apart in age, and she was Edith’s favorite child, I call my mom Edith, I have since the accident. After that day she stopped being my mother and I stopped being her daughter. We were driving to go see our mom after our beach trip and I remember that day like it was yesterday. Carson was talking about coming out to Edith and I was against it because Edith is what you would call traditional and old schooled and whether Carson was the favorite or not, Edith wouldn’t let that go no matter what. I loved my little sister don’t get me wrong and I was happy that she was talking to someone and wanted to be out in the world as lesbian but not to Edith. Acceptance from Edith of anything that goes beyond what she believes in is like trying to put a fire out with gasoline. We were at a red light and as soon as it turned green, I put my foot on the pedal and Carson noticed a 2007 green Honda swerving and I went to go pull over so it could go past us and as soon as I went to go pull over the car drove right into Carson’s side. Waking up from that crash was the worst headache that ever went away. I woke up with a concussion and saw that the green car was on fire. But the next thing I knew was Carson wasn’t in the car. I didn’t care about myself at this point, I had to find my sister. My cellphone survived somehow, and I pulled it out of my pocket and dialed 911 while searching for my sister. I was running on pure adrenaline and as much as I should’ve been seeking medical attention all I cared about was finding my little sister. What felt like hours of searching for Carson, I found her in a ditch, and she was dead. I knew it before checking her pulse. I knew she was dead by just seeing the whites in her eyes. But that’s not what caught my attention. There was blood everywhere. Blood pooling around her vaginal area and the first thought that came to mind was she’s not on her period because she was telling me in the car how she hasn’t had her period in 5 months, and then the thoughts were flooding into my mind. I went to check it out and surely enough it was the worst thing you could imagine. Carson was pregnant and what looked like a baby but was still somehow protected by the sac. It was intact but my sister was dead, and she was pregnant and by some miracle this baby is still alive, barely hanging on because there’s nothing left of Carson for this baby to hold onto. All of a sudden, the voices of men are shouting in my ears. I was in college for business but dabbled in the medical field and I just started shouting words at them. A bunch of f*****g medical terms and they looked at me like I had three heads. I told the cops what happened and refused medical attention until I knew that Carson’s baby was okay. I knew the basics but all that came out of the paramedic’s mouths seemed foreign to me. Just when one cop was asking me more questions about what happened, I was consumed by darkness. I woke up in a hospital. Rachel. Rachel was sitting by my bed. She had puffy eyes which meant she was crying. Edith, she was sitting in a chair farthest away from me. Another bed was next to me and a person I didn’t recognize. A female. She was white as a ghost and was hooked up to a bunch of machines. Edith looked like she was about to cry but not about me. To this girl, I have no clue who she is. Then it hit me. Carson. I asked Rachel where she was and what happened to the baby. She looked and me and told me Carson was brain dead and that the machines were keeping her alive. I apologized to Edith, and she gave me a cold look. That’s when I realized I was the person who killed her baby. I killed Edith’s favorite child. I killed her little girl. And that’s when the rapid-fire interrogation started, “were you on your phone?”, “were you paying attention to the road?”. I couldn’t get any answers out, it’s not that Edith wouldn’t allow me to, it’s that I didn’t know what to say. After she was done, I asked about the baby and Rachel told me the baby was alive but was also on multiple machines. The baby was 21 weeks and 5 days old. Did Carson know she was pregnant? She didn’t look pregnant. A woman knocked on the door and I knew her. It was Sara Cahill. Carson’s girlfriend. She ran over to Carson who didn’t look recognizable and kissed her head. Edith rampaged and that’s the last thing I remembered before being overcome with darkness. The next thing I remembered was waking up again and doctors telling me I had a seizure and that they wanted to do scans. But I looked over to where Carson was last seen, and she wasn’t there. Edith was and so was Rachel and Sara. Edith started rapidly firing again. Saying “it’s all my fault” and that I should’ve died instead. That’s when Rachel had enough and yelled at her. I don’t recall what was said but I knew it pissed Edith off to the point where she stormed out of the room. Sara gave me her condolences, which meant one thing that Carson was dead. I asked again about the baby and Rachel said it was a baby boy and that he passed away shortly after Carson did. I couldn’t cry. I didn’t know what to do. I was transferred to Ocean Park Memorial. I was there for 2 years until I could be released. And that takes us back to when I met Grayson. Grayson and I have been together since March 20, 2018. I was 22 and he was 21. We met in a hospital. I was at the hospital for a seizure and his mom was my roommate. She is a nice lady. His mom was getting a round of chemo and had to get some scans done. She went to go get an MRI done and I was in the bathroom, and I slipped, and I thought a nurse would come in to check in on me and so I pulled the emergency help button. I remember a tall man in jeans and a dark blue shirt came in the bathroom and helped me back into my wheelchair. When I finally got a good look at the guy the first thing, I noticed was his eyes and the beautiful blueish green eyes that looked at me with curiosity. He wheeled me back to my bed and helped me get back into my bed and as soon as I got settled back down, his mom Faye came back in, and she hugged him. So, I decided to ask the nurse to put me back in my chair so I could give them time alone to talk. I went to the cafeteria to get some food and then returned and by the time that I returned he was still there. His mom was sleeping, and he just sat there and stared at his phone. I was about to call for a nurse to help me back in bed because my last seizure caused temporary paralysis to my legs and before I could do so Faye’s son helped me into my bed. He then put a blanket on me and asked me if I needed anything else. Before I could even say one word to him Rachel Hill walked into the room, she is a nurse at Ocean Park Memorial Hospital in Philadelphia. I worked there too, I was a diagnostic medical sonographer but to dumb it down, I am an ultrasound technician. I worked with Rachel for 3 years and she and I were what you call two peas in a pod. She came to check on me. Rachel was one of those girls you would think was a grade A student and a queen bee in HS but in reality, she was just as a nerd as I was maybe even more so. Rachel is one of those friends you can call at 2am in the morning just to talk about stupid s**t or to cry. She was there for me when my sister died 7 years ago. Rachel and I were roommates as well for a while before I moved in with Grayson and his siblings. Rachel sat by my bed for a bit and then left to go clock in. sadly she wasn’t my nurse that day. I was in the hospital for 2 years and Faye was my roommate for two of those months until she was able to go home. Since the accident I was just digressing in my medical health. But even after Faye got discharged and went home Grayson continued to come and visit me, he would come at the beginning of visiting hours and then leave when visiting hours were done. When I got discharged, I had nowhere to go so I crashed on Rachel’s couch for a bit. Edith would have never let me return to her house. I spent most of my time in the hospital. That’s when Rachel and I became roommates. On April 18, I was cooking food in the kitchen and heard a knock at the door which is strange because no one ever knocks on the door. Usually if Rachel or I are hanging out with anyone we go out. We consider our house a sanctuary that should remain untainted. I opened the door and what did I see? Those watercolor eyes that never left mine. That smile that could light up the whole room. What does my dumbass do? I slammed the door in his face, not because I didn’t want to see him. Simply because I was shocked to see him at my house. Don’t get me wrong it was quite a surprise, but I will tell you right now, I never got so wet in that little amount of time. I had to put myself back together as quick as possible because there was a s*x demon in an angel like body. I opened the door and even when I looked disheveled this man could not care. Grayson asked to come in and wanted to catch up. It was 15:00 and I could swear by the time he left it was midnight and I was the only one who looked messier in the 8 hours that went by. He continued every week to come by and “catch up” but it wasn’t just s*x. He talked about his family and how his mother was doing. His mother was hanging on but soon would need full-time care. He explained to me what was going on and how the medical bills and other bills are getting hard to keep up with. He told me about his family more. I am going to talk more about his family in the present tense. PRESENT Maeve Jane Stone she is 20 years old now and is married to her wife Calypso Masons. They got married recently I believe. It was hard on the family when she became honest about her sexuality 4 years ago. Maeve has the personality of a golden retriever its not to be mean but she’s outgoing, extroverted and gets excited and happy easily. She’s family oriented and always looks on the Brightside. It can get quite annoying, but Maeve is one of those people who were given a really shitty hand in life, and she had two choices to choose from. To either let fear run her life or run fear out of town. For as young as she is she’s protective of what is hers. For a young woman who has had almost everything ripped from underneath her feet, she makes it look like it doesn’t bother her. She’s like my little sister, that’s how I see her. She may not see it but that’s how I feel. Her wife is the opposite, she grew up differently. One word to describe Calypso, PITBULL. She is fierce and is passive aggressive. She loves Maeve and will protect her when the world comes to crash and burn. When the rug is about to be pulled from underneath Maeve’s feet, Calypso is the first person to pick her up before she falls and trips on her own feet. If Calypso could stop anything bad from happening to Maeve, she would with no hesitation. Delilah Haggarty. Some people like Grayson see her as senile but she’s a nice lady. She’s in and out of reality sometimes but when she is lucid, she fills your head with a lot of information in a small-time frame. She loves her family and has done everything in her power to raise her kids to be honest and respectful to those that come into your life. I wish I had more to say about Delilah, but she lives in her own world. Evelyn Noel Stone. As I like to call her Evie, like the Pokémon character. She loves Pokémon. Even though every pack of cards she opens, Grayson has to examine them in case she finds a rare card. Grayson and Evie are inseparable when you see their sibling bond. Evie literally never runs out of energy she is like the energizer bunny on caffeine. Evie was adopted by Faye. Evie’s mom died 3 years ago in a car accident and her dad was never involved. Grayson wanted to adopt her, but he just graduated college and his mom didn’t want her to go to a foster home. I never met Carly, but I heard she was a good mom and tried her best to provide when the world didn’t give her the best hand. Theo Alexander Stone. Theo is an introvert the opposite of Grayson. They look alike and have common hobbies, but their personalities are polar opposites. Theo loves video games and puzzles. He would rather be alone in his room than socialize with the family. He’s a jokester and when you really get to know him then he starts to socialize a bit more. Luke Evans now is the type of guy to put everyone above him. He is a big people person and family guy. Grayson and he have known each other since they were kids but as much as Grayson and Luke are alike, they are complete opposites not when it comes to personality but when it comes to hobbies. Luke is a car guy. He takes apart engines for a living and rebuilds them to make them better but functionable. Grayson would be caught dead before you caught him in a garage filled with broken parts and tools. Luke is the guy you can go to for emotional things rather than Grayson who just does not know how to comprehend let alone let emotions sink in for him to be able to function. Now I talk about Luke very highly because he was there for me to talk and vent to when I knew Grayson could not handle it. There is no perfect guy, but Luke comes close to it. Secretly if I met Luke before Grayson, I probably would have dated him instead. I guess Luke better understands emotionally and mentally. Grayson Oliver Stone. Grayson is an introvert extrovert. He enjoys his alone time but still enjoys hanging out with his friends playing some nerdy roleplay game. I don’t even want to get into it. Not my cup of tea. Grayson and his green/blue eyes and blue/ grey when they hit the light. Grayson is 6’4 and skinny as f**k but has some defined muscles. As I said earlier, he is not an emotional guy. He deals with emotions by putting them in a box on his head and shoving it so far back that you cannot reach it. He always wants to push solutions on you but still listens just doesn’t truly understand so it can get difficult to talk to him. Grayson is a nerd and would be found usually near a computer or on the soccer field. He is a soccer coach and a referee in his free time but as a career he spends his time in a high school classroom as a math teacher. Faye Ruth Stone. I owe my life to her. She is the most caring and strong woman. I wish I had her as a mom, maybe I wouldn’t have ended up so damaged and traumatized. Grayson will do anything for his mom whether he complains or drags his feet while doing it, he would rather do it than some stranger. Grayson is very overprotective of his mom. She has a grade 3 Meningioma brain tumor and still has bigger balls than her son. She had Grayson, her first born at 20 and then Maeve at 26 and Theo at 34. At age 40 she was first diagnosed, and it devastated the family. If I ever wanted to talk nonsense or vent, I go to Faye. I highly respect her, and I love her son. I love her as a person, as a mother figure and she deserve the world. I wish I could take all her pain away and give her nothing but peace and happiness. I would do anything for her. She has done so much for me, and I feel like I haven’t done enough. I want to marry her son. I always yearned for a family and as much as Grayson’s family is dysfunctional and far from perfect, Faye has built her family and worked hard to get to where she and her children are. Faye is like the glue she keeps everything together even when the world comes crashing down, she has her children’s safety in her hands and WILL NOT let anyone harm them. She will bend over backwards for her children. I wish I had that. I want to be a part of the family and accepted but to do that I have to work hard and earn it; I don’t want it to be handed to me. I guess apart from me wanting to be her daughter-in-law, I would be honored, and I would never take that for granted. As much as Faye is kind, she is a lion when it comes to her family. I guess that’s it for this journal entry.