Beyond Darkness

Diary Entry 01

You know.. I'm thinking about death a lot recently. Maybe it's because I lost someone. Maybe it's because of the kind of books I'm reading or maybe it's just all because I want to lose myself to this figment of imagination. I wish I could break out of this labyrinth of suffering.... Which is never ending. It's so easy to make links and connections... Fall in love... Fall out of it.. but never forget... Lose someone important.. talk to them... Because now they're everywhere. I might never admit this... I wish I was dead. Not because I'm a coward to escape but to... End this suffering. Then I think about the people I'll be leaving behind. Some will be okay after a year... Some will never be... I wonder would it be that painful? Do I really want to inflict such pain? I don't know. Sometimes. But only because I'm suffering due to them. It's not an allegation. But I'm tired of having dreams... That I shouldn't have. I'm tired of feeling so alone that I can't help but cry and shut myself off. I can help but think about the person I love the most. It's so easy... Yet the probability of this is crushing me. I think I might need therapy.... But I don't have anything to confess. I think it will be okay once I get busy... But ain't I just pushing things away?

I don't know. I feel caged. I'm scared of myself now. Don't know what's gonna happen ahead... But I'll try to soilder through.