Breathe

Chapter 9

today is the 23 of July. It's my birthday, it's my eighteenth birthday. It feel weird that I feel inconsolable. I mean, I should feel happy that I'm finally eighteen, I'm finally legal but a part of me fears for the worst, a part of me knows it does not get any better going forward . Lucy comes in jumping with enthusiasm, at least one of us is happy today. I pretend to be asleep just so she does not see the stream of tears falling down my cheeks, I pray and hope she goes away, I can't let her see me like this. Unfortunately for me she jumps on the bed and shakes me uncontrollably to wake me up,i try to ignore her and pretend I'm deeply asleep but she does not give up so I rub my eyes and try to avoid eye contact with her,but it's too late, she already sees it, Lucy notices everything.

"what's wrong Ashley?" she asks, I can see concern and a bit of empathy in her eyes

"I'm just..... I don't know. Maybe I'm just anxious, eighteen is a very big age" I admit, feeling a lump form in my throat, "l'm not even sure I can handle it"i feel her soft little hands wiping my tears before I can even notice that I was crying, she cups my face and kisses my forehead

"I sometimes want to grow old and I thought when you're older you can control your emotions and take control, I sometimes wish to be just like you when I grow up, to have your silky hair and small blue eyes, I just wish I could be smart like you or have a nice figure like you, the only difference is that I'd show it to the entire world. I'm sometimes scared of the dark too, it makes me think about pappa and mama, I'm scared of pappa but I know one day I will grow up to be just like you and marry a handsome king who will love me unlike pappa. So I know that someday you will not be scared too, you will await for your birthday happily knowing life is not fair but we have to live anyways . I'm sorry you feel like this, but I know you're going to be strong and grow old and finally tell your parents where to get off"she snaps her hand dramatically when she says her last line,

"let's make a promise to each other" she says, positioning herself on my bed, lying next to me looking at the wooden celling

"what are you up to Lucy" I release a soft laugh and wait for another mischievous plan of hers

"it's nothing bad I promise, give me your hand" she turns to me with her shiny green eyes, i only realize now that she's taken a shower judging by her scent . I take my right hand doubtfully and give it to her, I shoot her a suspectful look and try to see what she's up to

"let's promise each other that from today onwards you're going to live your life to the fullest like an eighteen year old would,that we're going to dance in the rain and cherish every moment as it comes by. Please tell me you are going to get drunk and kiss some boy *she raises her eyesbrows rapidly in teasing*We might be stuck here for a veryyyyyyyyyy long time but we're going to try to get better, for you, for me, for us. I want you to get out of here and take up your hair, take off your mask and show your shoulders and knees once in a while. I cannot play with other kids nor go to school and write a test like other kids and it pains me each day knowing I'll never get the experience of wearing a new uniform or learn mathematics, I'll never experience a high school love, fake friends, real friends or even bullying. Sometimes I stomp my feet hard to hurt Satan for turning my father into an animal, for making him kill my mother, for doing awful things to my nina. I hate him because God wouldn't hurt mamma like this, mamma trusted God with her secrets and sometimes prayed that God help pappa but I guess Satan was deep inside him. I hate him Ashley. I hate him soo much "tears escapes from her emerald green radiant eyes, she's still resting her hands on my face as I continue to cry as I nod my head

" it sounds soo mature coming from a twelve year old"i say teasingly

"like you crying is any better for an eightteen year old" she shoots back

We look at each other for a minute without a blink and then laugh. I hug her and give her a kiss on her forehead, we stay like that for a minute full. "I promise" I finally mutter. This is not just a pact but a promise I'm willing to keep for the rest of my life, I owe this to Lucy.

The nurse opens my door to get us out of bed as breakfast has already started, Lucy makes up my bed as I take a shower and then go to eat before meditation. At the cafeteria, everyone sings me a happy birthday and I receive hugs, never have I felt soo much warmth and love.

We spent the entire afternoon outside like every other Saturday, playing sports, I'm not much of a sports person and I doubt neither of them are based on their performance, but we play anyway as we have no choice, they say it helps to clear our minds and helps with concerntation.

it's exactly 2pm when we're being called for lunch, we walk in an orderly manner as we assemble in the cafeteria, lining up for food,

Mrs Timberlake, one of the people who cater us, gives me my lunch, chicken noodle soup, and then she secrectly gives me a chocolate

"what's this Mrs Timberlake?"

"shhhhhhhhh!" she hisses "don't let anyone see you eating that alright" she says as she acts per usual

"ohhhhhhh, thank you" I release a soft laugh as I continue with my tracks

"oh, Ashley" I turn, "happy birthday sweetheart" she says, Mrs Timberlake is one of the nicest people I've seen here, she always makes people feel welcome, no matter their circumstances.

I head to the table where I see Lucy, Rachel and Theo

Rachel has a eating disorder and they usually give her three chances to eat before they force food, she has dealt with bullying throughout her life about her body, she started obsessing over what she eats as soon as she reached her teen years and as time goes by she stopped eating, she is now thin as a bone but still thinks she'll gain 100 pounds as soon as she takes the first bite

Well...... Theo is here because he has been on drugs, he won't even try to tell us the full story as to what happened, I'm not eager to do so too

"why didn't you wait" my sentence is stopped halfway as they all shush me, they are in another heated game of chess, Rachel already knows that Theo is going to beat her but plays either way

I slide in the table aside from Lucy, she's in a good mood today and promised to behave, I take a spoon of full to feed her, I'm a bit worried and anxious hoping she would eat without a strain because the nurses are keeping a close eye on us, luckily Lucy takes a mouthful of food and start to breathe as soon as I see the food go down her throat, she's too focused on the game of chess played between Theo and Rachel to even notice that she has eaten half of the food, Rachel's plate is on the far end of the corner untouched together with the half eaten plate of Theo's food , we keep the silence maintained as I eat half of the remaining food.

After an hour of eating, Theo emerges victorious, he already beaten Rachel twice in a row, prompting her to accuse him of cheating, Lucy chimes in, agreeing with Rachel despite having no idea of how the game is played, we line up to take our prescribed medication before we start gardening, which is my favorite part of the day. The tranquility of nature envelops us, with only sweet songs of birds breaking the silence

I hurry over to check my roses,planted just a week ago, there's no much difference but hope is there

"good job Ashley, just water it a little bit today and leave it tommorow" says one of the nurses, Ms Williams, she's in her mid forties and doesn't talk alot, I don't know if she's being kind because it's my birthday or in her good mood but it does give me motivation, I water the plants carefully. I then make my way to check how Lucy is doing, Lucy's plants are sunflowers and it doesn't matter if I helped her plant them, she still managed to mess them up, I put on my gloves and redo them

"this is the last time I'm helping you Lucy, I told you to stop digging the seeds out to check them"

"I know, I know, but why can't they grow? It's been a week!" she says irritated

"you've been alive for a decade and you still haven't grown, no one talks about that" I attack back "give them time Lucy, great things take time" I say in a more soft tone

"I'll try" she says as she runs off to irritate Rachel, I bury back her seeds and water them, hoping she heard me this time, we spent another hour doing gardening before it's visiting time. Jay, Carti and Jay's mom came to visit me. Lucy runs to them and hugs them tightly, she's like family now. I join in to the group hug and Carti waits for us.

I watch Jay, Carti and Jay's mom as they sing me the birthday song at the wooden table outside, Jay is sitting next to her mother adjacent to me and Lucy while Carti is two step further away from us, I guess he doesn't want to intrude. but my mind isn't here, I somehow still feel a vacant in my heart.

I'm supposed to have my life figured out by next year, but at 18, I'm still lost. I feel like a burden to them, like something they should check on regularly just incase I haven't killed myself or tried to kill someone else yet, I try to connect with God but no answer, I wouldn't answer me too. I wonder if Jay ever regrets being my friend sometimes, or is she just my friend to get the pretty friend privilege,sometimes she goes to parties with Carti and her other pretty friends with their boyfriends. She has tried to get me to attend one of them but my anxiety wouldn't allow me. My creepy friend wouldn't let me. I imagine being in a room full of drunk teenagers, dancing and hooking up, I can feel them whispering back and forth while looking at me, I can feel one of them spilling a drink on my black hoddie "mistakenly" and they all laugh. I imagine Jay trying by all means to hide her laugh while her mouth is pressed against Carti's. I don't really think Jay is a bad person, of course she'll run to me and hug me while walking me outside,she'll ask if I wanna go home as I start to sob, she'll call a cab for me and tells me she's coming soon but I know she won't, she'll probably stay up all night having s*x with Carty like every other weekend. She'll call me the following day asking me if I'm ok and then tell me all the juicy details that happened at the party and in Carty's bed, I'll pretend to be listening to her while getting lost in my thoughts. I'll just pretend to be interested for a few minutes and be lost in my thoughts again while she's talking, she'll hang up the phone and call me when I'm better, after a few hours at least,she'll later come to my house and watch documentary series with me or her romance series while I stroke her hair and nursing her hangover. Mother disapproves Jay's drinking, after thirteen she always told me to cut ties with Jay, but I cannot bring myself to do it, I owe her at least that. In kindergarten and primary , my mother and her social club friends would bring their children to their Sunday picnics and brag about their children's achievements.....well their achievements I guess. Mother would get most praises and she loved the compliments. I mean with a highly respected husband and a daughter who's probably smarter than young Sheldon, of course they had to compliment her. Mother would sometimes call me when playing in the grass to come and solve a math equation for her friends, they'd call their kids too to come and sing or maybe dance just so they can show off, but mother knew, her friends knew that not even dancing or singing can be compared to books. Mother would always tell them I will become a scientist or maths analyst and I would just agree with a big smile. Mother's friends started pushing their children too hard for them to be able to solve an equation without a calculator, to be better than me, but mother pushed me harder, that's when I started volunteering, ballerina and all the academic competition that could be found in third grade. I had to be better. I had to be the golden child, the one every woman dreamt of having. I was that child, deep inside my heart I'm still that child,I'm just.......lost. I'm just lost.I'm just lost

"Ashley!!!"Jay screams and that flushes all my thoughts and I turn to smile at everyone. Jay's mother tells me to make a wish, I decide to share my eighteen candles with Lucy. We both hold hands and light the two candles, one with a 1 and another one with number 8, I close my eyes and wish for it to end, I'm not exactly sure if I'm wishing for my life to end or the pain.. maybe this void inside me, I'm not certain but I just want it to end, I plea, I beg. Lucy pets my thigh so that we can blow the candles, we do. Nothing happens... I don't open my eyes, instead I pinch them even more, hoping, praying something would happen. I stay in the same position for a while until I take a big breathe and open my eyes. and for a split second, I imagine it all gone, but even in my wildest imagination,I cannot experience a normal life

Jay and her mother both clap fingers and for a moment my thoughts are gone, I turn to face Lucy who's busy talking to Jay's mom while Jay looks at me in a concerned look, her shiny eyes drift away from me to Carti and then back to me, I turn to look at Carti and met by his eyes, we hold a stare for a second before we both move our eyes away, I've never really been a Carti fan, but I can see why every girl is willing to lick his feet, including Jay, he is hot, he has the perfect jaw line, he always keeps his hair untidy like he just woke up but it suits him, especially when he snuggles his vainy arms through it, his eyes are dark brown,one would almost think they're black until they meet the sun, his eyes brows are dark, drawn closely together and with the most perfect eyelashes....znd all of that belongs to Jay

I drift my eyes to meet the wooden table as I fidget with my hands

"are you okay darling?" I lift my head only to see that Jay's mother is talking to me

"yeah I'm fine, I was just wondering if mother wouldn't come" I push my words

"I'm sure she'll be here in a minute, okay?" Jay's mom says in the softest tone.... Jay gets to hear that reassuring tone everyday

"I guess" I say, I shift my focus to Jay

"how's been your holidays?"

a bright smile spreads across her perfect face "mostly boring without you, but I've been hanging out with Carti alot" she says

"and how's.... you know" I feel a lump grow on my throat

"Laxy?" she asks I slowly nod

"she's been alright, you didn't do much damage, it was just her nose and eye, right Carti?" she looks at him

"I guess, I'm not sure about her right arm, it seemed pretty bad"he says through his teeth, I'm not sure what he said next but something like" serves her right ", if I wasn't looking at him carefully, I would missed it

" you didn't have to mention that "Jay shoots him a look" but the media has went down, on the good side she made a video addressing what happened and she also told them that she does not blame you given the fact that she bullied you ever since high school "

" oh really? She said that? "Lucy budges in before I can say a word, but I somehow don't know how Laxy, managed to humiliate herself on social media to save me, unless my father has something to do with this

" yep, I was just as shocked, but on the good side, you won't be bullied anymore and you won't get a harsh punishment or get expelled" she says, Jay's mother starts cutting the cake with the plastic knife she brought along, they wouldn't allow her to bring anything that could be hazard in here, the cake is pink and written "I'm finally eighteenth" with white cream, it has a bit of butterfly decorations surrounding it, I'm sure Jay picked it out, if it was a decade ago, I would've loved the cake so much I wouldn't want them to slice it but right now I don't care, cake is cake and most importantly I wish I could be sliced like that, to end this pain, this darkness, I turn to Lucy who looks at the sliced cake with nothing but admiration, I'm sure she thinks the cake is the prettiest thing ever considering the fact that she never had a birthday cake, the hospital always gives her one cupcake on her birthday so this is a big upgrade for her.

We get served on the plastic plates and Jay hands me a fork.... of course it's plastic

We start digging in and we are mostly silent as everyone is just nodding and giving silent compliments to the cake, my focus is on the plastic fork, I press it against my right thigh to feel something, pain, anything, I just want to feel human

The pain starts knocking in as I press harder, as soon as I drift my eyes I'm met my Carti's horrified stare, I separate the fork from my bare skin as fast as I can, hoping she won't tell Jay, who'll tell her mother.... or even worse, Carti might tell the entire school that I'm dangerous and I should be locked away, I bring my eyes back to my thigh and notice four marks left by the fork, I decide to use my hands instead of the fork for eating my cake,

"ohhh well hello everyone!" a familiar voice shouts behind me, it's Mother, and she's not alone, she's with my father who's busy on a phone call

He nods to greet everyone and moves away to continue with his phone call, I press Jay's phone which is on the table and it's 16:45, fifteen minutes left until dinner is served, fifteen minutes left until visiting time is over

My mother places a big box on top of the table and kisses my cheek,

"happy birthday darling" she says, she stops for a second went she noticed my marked thigh, I push the clothing down my legs to hide it,

"Ashley, darling are you okay?" she asks in a concerned tone

I fake my smile and nod repeatedly" I'm perfect mother, this was just an incident"

"oh" her face lights up again, she turns to Jay and Lucy, she hugs them respectively and goes beside Jay's mother

"How are you Hilda?" mother asks, they've never been close but accommodate each other "I'm alright, for a second we thought you missed Ashley's birthday" she laughs, me and Jay stare at each other knowing she hit the button, my mother is a perfectionist and missing her daughter's birthday means she failed as a mother

"I could never, we got stuck in traffic you know and I had a serious case to attend, some of us have real jobs Hilda" she shoots back

"well more important that your daughter's birthday" I say through my teeth and everyone goes silent, I open my present to find the latest iPhone, iPhone 16 and a smartwatch, there's also a laptop and a new pair of glasses

Jay's eyes widen and she grabs the phone away from me, it's her dream present I guess

"well you could've gotten me a new notebook and drawing book since you took mine away from me without my permission but thanks, another reason to look at my name being trolled on the media" I shoot her a smile

"well your notebook is the main reason you're here, so why don't you thank your mother instead of being a brat" my dad says as he walks towards our table

"thank you mother" I roll my eyes

"don't they teach you manners here" my father says, the table is depressingly quiet, I bow my head down, my father has a voice that could turn heads, his presence alone carries so much weight

"they do father, I'm sorry for not being thankful mother" I say in the most quiet voice ever