Breathe

Chapter 6

Ashley

I'm on my way home with my parents. I've been hospitalized for two days now .Jay has been visiting me everyday after school,yesterday she skipped school and asked Ms Harper to sneak her in for twenty dollars .Me and Jay spent the whole day playing board games ,watching tv and then I helped her with Science . She would sneak into my bathroom whenever we heard footsteps in the hallway. We then spent the entire afternoon reading novels until her mother came to fetch her .Jay's mom is very sweet ,she treats me like her own daughter ,i sometimes wish she was my mother ,i wish i had Jay's life ,i wish i was her instead .Her mother would go to any extent to see her happy .

I sometimes look at her and ask myself ,how one can look so captivating without even taking much effort

with her nose so well shaped she barely uses make up

does she ever get insecure?

It's astonishing as to how one can be so put together.

I look at her face once more to find a flaw but not even a single one appears,

Carti always takes unexpected videos of her

she captures them "embarrassing moments" but I sit and think otherwise

she doesn't over laugh, she always closes her mouth while eating, she never misses a step and even her weirdest moments are found cute.Her clothes are never too revealing and yet they show skin, she always wakes up on time for a morning jog, takes a shower, do skin care and she always eat the right portion of food

Which makes me wonder, when will I start taking care of my skin, when will i start waking up in the early hours of the morning, when will i start eating the right amount of food? we can't be all pretty right? But why do i feel disappointed each time i look into the mirror, why do i have to apply make up and put on mascara before i can start to say I look better, "better" that's the word I use to compliment myself.

but we can't all be pretty now, is it?

I shake off my thoughts and read the magazine I found in the car .I reread it multiple times until we arrive .I open the door and I'm met by a breeze of fresh air ,it smells like rain ,my feet touch the wet grass and my eyes are met by a clear sky together with a fading rainbow ,the only visible colors are red ,orange and a bit of yellow I assume .I keep on walking slowly but my eyes never leave the beautiful sky . just breathe .I take a deep breathe and feel better ,the smell of rain has always been my favorite smell ,it reminds me that after every storm there's a beautiful start .I open the front door ,I want to write a new poem ,a different one this time ,I don't want to write about pain , vilians or darkness,I want to write a poem about a rainbow and the smell of fresh rain .I walk straight to my bedroom I open the door and notice something different,it looks like someone was in here ,I run to my study table to find my diary and its not there ,my poetry book ,my drawing book ,there are all not there .I start to panic in fear .The last thing I want is for my parents to know my thoughts,to read what I wrote in there ,I steady myself with the study table in front of me ,my hands are shaking ,my version is blurry ,I blind once and tears spill down on my cheecks .I hear the door open.I walk to my bed I lay back ,I'm stare at the blank celling.My parents get in and I fear for the worst.

"Ashley darling we have to talk"my mother says

She never calls me darling,I start to worry more. I stay quiet and listen to her

"We found your books while cleaning your room .It worries me to see what you are going through,your father and I have no idea of what you're going through so we decided to call Mrs Peterson ,a professional psychiatrist to assist us .She's on her way now ,I want you to understand that we're doing this for your own safety and health ."

My father is quiet throughout the whole intervention.

"Did you call a shrink?"I finally push out the only words I can say

"No darling "my mother is interrupted by a knock downstairs. She calls our maid to bring the guest in . We remain quiet as we wait for her.

After a few minutes our maid ,Sis'Lu knocks on my door to let us know about our expected visitor.

I turn my head and look at my father who's positioning himself well on my mini couch , even in situations like this he'd still want to look presentable .I put my focus back on the celling and think about the worst case scenarios.

My mother opens the door and a matron who's well dressed in her sober navy blue ,obviously high-class made three piece with leggings and four inched heels to match with, comes in. Her short black hair pander to her big dark brown eyes .My mother then tells us to go sit in the dining area .I'm the last one to walk out of my bedroom and follow them downstairs.

We sit around the same glass table and all I remember is the last conversation between me and my father ,all the events start to taunt me again .I zone out for a while until I realise everyone is just starring at me and the psychriatist keeps on writing on her book.

"I'm sorry"I mutter

"No ,it's definetely ok to be in touch with your thoughts every now and then .What's not ok is to let your feelings control you "she says with a soft tone

"I'm not a slave to my emotions if that's what you mean "I respond with so much defense ,she goes back to writing .

"How do you feel after thinking?after thinking alot?"she says ,I can almost sense the sacarsm in her tone

"Ok ,I guess "I decide to keep my answers short to be safe .I'm eager to see what's written in her notes book ,I want to see what she thinks about me .

"What's the message or motivation behind your drawings ?"she asks after a few seconds ,but this time her tone is different,her tone is of concern ,we stare into each other's eyes ,I look into her eyes thinking maybe I can somehow see her thoughts about me behind her enormous eyes .

"They are just drawings"I say without leaving her eyes ,I suddenly feel intimidated by her ,I break the eye contact and try to hold down my shaking leg ,I'm scared of her ,it's like she can almost see my true reflection just by looking at me. she goes back and write again on her note book.

"How did you feel after writing your diary?"

She finally says ,"I guess you gon ask me about my poems next?"my eyes look at anywhere except her direction.

My mother and father remain silent throughout the whole conversation,

"Those poems are very good,but what inspired you to write them?"she asks

"It's just art"I say ,I'm tired of these questions ,I just want to see that notebook

"Just art?you call that art?You wrote poems about death and darkness for f**k's sake Ashley! You're drawings are blood-curdling and you call that.......art?"my father says with a tone full of rage and wrath ,I don't blame him ,I too would react in the same manner if I found those kind of drawings in my daughter's room .He walks out of the living room and my mother follows him. Now I'm left with the stunned doctor ,I just look at her and shrug . We stood there and waited for my parents who came down after thirty minutes. She diagnosed me with the later stage of depression which includes severe symptoms , suicidal thoughts and behaviors . The news didn't shock my parents nor me , I know I don't have depression,I'm just a lost girl who's still trying to find herself . My parents decided to take me into a psychiatric facility across town immediately since it's our June holidays and our school didn't assign any camps .I didn't resist ,I didn't agree either,it was pointless to fight because the papers were signed on the spot and the facility van was called .My mother hugs me goodbye, "everything is going to be alright dear, don't worry" she says but what she really meant is that ,their reputation is in my hands, I must get better soon, so I hopped into the white van with no emotions at all .The van has tinted windows and we were not allowed to see where we're going for 'safety reasons' .