Breathe

Chapter 11

I'm waiting for mother to come and fetch me as she had promised. It feels strange to leave this place. I spent two months but it feels like eternity. A part of me felt more at home here, like I belong, with people who are not sane, who want to end their lives, who can't stop taking medication and who can't eat to save their lives rather than at my own house. A tear drops simultaneously with the hospital gown I've been wearing for as long as I can remember and I take a long shower, not exactly a shower because all I do is stand there and let the water do it's cause. I let the cold water run down my skin despite the fact that it's the middle of winter and it's snowing outside. I want to do it until I can no longer feel my body nor skin and my heart, until the pain has dwelt that it does no longer hurt . Maybe if I stood in here longer my heart will retaliate the coldness and I won't feel pain anymore, maybe it'll be nice that way. I want to scream, shout, I want them to tell my parents I'm not ready to go but I do neither of those things, instead I stand here and feel shivers against my bare skin which has my teeth shaking. After an hour I step out of the shower and put on the same clothes I had on when I came here, the same clothes I had when I was discharged in the hospital two months ago, the same clothes I met Lucy in and the very same one I will leave her in. It feels weird that I've never enjoyed my winter holidays, as a matter of fact, they were just a reminder that I'm as unrepairable and I can't get out of this hole.

The doorknob turns and my head turn slowly towards the door robotically, my heart fills with a little bit of hope and excitement when I see Ms Dyson, I look behind her, hoping to see Lucy but the door closes, by the way Ms Dyson looks at me, I know I won't be seeing Lucy today,or forever . She forces a small smile and asks how am I feeling now that I have my freedom back

"it does not feel like it. It's like being transferred from one prison to the other" I huff. She comes closer and places her right hand on my shoulder, it's her way of reassuring me that everything is going to be okay.

"maybe this could be a new change, you could see the world from a different perspective knowing that there are thousands of people dealing with situations similar or even worse to yours" she finally says, her voice sounds like she's trying to convince the both of us that it will get better. A minute passes by and no words are exchanged between the both of us, we're both reflecting on the past two months that we've met. She releases her hand from my shoulder slowly and carefully and walks towards the partially opened door quietly, like she's scared to make a sound resulting in disturbance to the quietness of room "your mother is waiting for you downstairs" she huffs as she closes the door. The door pauses halfway and she takes a step back "hey Ashley" I look at her with no expression still

"maybe we could meet someday have coffee and talk.... Not about the hospital or anything hectic, maybe we can talk about novels or just the significance behind coffee...." the last statement sounds more like a rhetorical question than a statement. I nod my head

" before you go, may you please land me a pen and paper? "I push the words out of my mouth

" yea sure "she says as she quietly hands me a notebook they always carry together with a pen.

I sit the the wooden floor and start writing

Dear Lucy

It takes me about 5 minutes to think where to start or how to start before deciding to write what my hand decides to write

I couldn't bring myself to say goodbye or even look at you in the eyes and tell you that we won't be spending time together anymore, I won't be able to feed you or sing you back to sleep after your nightmares, the words hurt cannot begin to describe the amount of hurt I feel inside my heart, a four letter word isn't relevant to justify the amount of pain I'm feeling. It makes my pain feel eroded, like something you'll eventually get over. Not even a heartbreak hurts like this, I feel completely shattered if not teared apart, like I'm leaving the good part of me I was slowly being revealed to here with you. Not just you but the entire building and every little thing in it. The first day I came here I heard your screaming voice across the hallway I've heard thousands of people cry, beg and scream but none of them has stung a sharp pain in my chest like your voice that day, it sounded familiar, it sounded like a voice of no stranger. I have found myself in you, I have found the younger version of myself that I've once hated, that I've grown to love in you, loving you meant loving myself, accepting your flaws meant healing my wounds, loving you became something I enjoyed, something I've grown to love, I love loving you and I love you knowing each and every broken piece of your soul, and that's what makes me love you even more. I might love you for the selfish reasons, reasons that make me be able to sleep at night, have nightmares less. Now I have to say goodbye and let go of you, you will forever be the friend I've never heard and a part of me that feels..... human, a brighter side of me. I just need you to promise one more thing in return, promise me you'll never let your situation change you, may you continue to be an angel that you are, and I promise you... It does get better, maybe not today, not tommorow but one day.....someday.

I drop the pen and wipe my tears repeatedly. I fold the letter into four and ask Ms Dyson to give it to Lucy after reading it to her considering the fact that she cannot read nor write, she might lose the letter in the later stage of life or even next week, she's twelve after all, she doesn't yet know the significance behind letters and the message they hold,but I want her to have it anyways.

I dust myself and take the paper Ms Robin, my therapist once gave me and walk todards the door. I follow Ms Dyson to the reception where I find my mom who's wearing unusual today. She signs the rest of the papers and we head out, everyone gives me a warm farewell and they say their goodbyes. I close the wooden door behind me and walk towards my mother's car who's already inside. I take one good look at the white building and sigh, my eyes come across Lucy's eyes who's in my bedroom.... my used to be bedroom, her eyes are puffy from crying and I can see her wiping her tears with the back of her hands. I wave her goodbye and turn back,i don't wait for her response, I just run to the passenger side and try not to look back, my heart cannot bear the pain of knowing that I'm the cause of her tears, I feel like I have failed her like everyone, "I hate mamma for leaving me all alone in this world, I don't want to die alone or being around strangers who force me to eat or injecting me every time I cry, but now I have you, I don't need mamma anymore because I have you, you're the best thing ever Ashley "her words repeat in my mind like an echo, I have failed her and there's no coming back from it. I sob until there's no tears to come out, a part of me felt like if I didn't meet her she wouldn't feel this way, she wouldn't have had hope in finding someone who'll stay forever. If I didn't let her in.

The ride remains silent for the rest of the way and there's a radio playing on the low. Mother does not take off her scarf nor glasses, I do know what that means already, you'd have to be as blind as a donkey not to see the bruise behind every woman that is wearing a scarf, collar neck or too much makeup, the signs says it all, I bet a hundred she has eyebags. Funny how the society has norrmilsed abuse that we don't have to Google signs of them, my eyes slowly inspect her, she's yawning for the fifth time and we're only half way home,it cannot be work, as much as my mother is a workaholic, she has never missed her sleeping schedule, gym or any appointment in her life.

"why did he do it again ?" I finally ask her.

"huh? She blinks her eyes twice as if she didn't hear my question, it's not the question she didn't hear, it's the fact that she is trying to figure out how I was able to notice whereas she spent hours trying to hide it

" Father, why did he do it again? Is it another woman? There's always another woman" I say looking closely at her bruise on her bottom left hand as she tries to cover it

"I do not appreciate your tone and it's nothing, it's grown ups stuff" she says in a stern tone

"you do realize that I'm eighteen right? And since I'm going to the same house I think it's better if you prepare me" my eyes are still locked on her bruises, trying to see where the traces end, her pale skin does not make the bruises look any better, she instead look pathetic like she should be asked if she's okay, maybe I should stop being her and ask her if she's okay.

"there's nothing to prepare for except your upcoming prelim examinations, because of unforeseen circumstances, you were not able to attend the previous camp that your father paid for so it means you have to work extra hard" she says dismissing the topic, she then turn up the volume, I cross my legs on top of the passenger seat and look outside the window, I wonder if Ms Harper was right, if I will view the world differently from now, knowing that I'm not the only one who's 'going through a phase' as she'd say, I release a soft laughter just thinking about her referring my hell hole as a phase, my mother turns her face slightly to see what am I laughing at, I ignore her and pretend like I didn't see her. But Ms Harper might be correct, there are alot of people who are dealing with situations way worse and some have killed themselves, at least I'm still alive.... another chuckle escapes my mouth, but this time it's directed to me, I cannot believe that I just compared myself to people who are dead and posing to be a survivor whereas I just got released from a mental institution after attempting suicide and ending up in the hospital.

"how was it in there?" my mother finally says. "it was amazing and how was It in there?" I hiss, the scarasm never fails to miss her. She takes a deep breath knowing this is not going to be a fun ride

"so.......are you ready for the exams?" she asks, she sounds like she's being forced to have this conversation so I tag along

"I must be ready" I shrug and turn my focus back on the window

The snow is getting better and I hope it won't be as cold