The Broken

Chapter 7 COMPROMISE

Undecided to read Luther’s messages, I set aside my phone and contemplated. Can my body take another blow? I thought I had already reached my limit for now.

But I was curious? What would he say? Spiteful words to get even? Yeah, as if I needed that right now. Well, I could just read the first message and if it’s stressful for me, I would delete everything he sent. Satisfied with my decision, I unlocked my phone and read the first one.

'I’m sorry.'

I blinked a couple of times to make sure I read the right words. It’s just two words, how could I possibly misread it? The arrogant man did know how to get down from his high horse. Though I would appreciate it more if he said it in person rather than sent a message. But with his egotistic personality, texting an apology was almost close to a miracle.

Motivated by his first message, I continued to read the next one. 'Can you give me a second chance? Next time, there would be no showing-off, just you and me.'

Now that was something. He’s really taking this dating too seriously which totally baffled me. Although he already admitted that he’s attracted to me, still after he witnessed my breakdown and heard my verbal assault to him, I honestly thought he would back off. Looked like he’s sticking around more than I expected him to be.

I decided to text him back even though he‘s probably sound asleep at this time (it’s already 3 in the morning). I typed—I accept your apology—and sent it to his number. Not expecting to get a reply from him, I opened my folder of pictures but Luther suddenly called. Why would he be awake at this wee hour? Couldn’t he simply text instead of calling. Nonetheless, I answered his call.

“Faith.” He murmured.

“What?” I asked with a note of annoyance.

“I thought you’ve already forgiven me?” he said slowly as though being careful in choosing his words

“You could have sent me a message. And why are you still awake?”

“Same question in my mind,” he said still in a calculated tone.

“I had a nightmare,” I admitted.

“Is it because of—”

“Yes,” I answered without letting him finish, fearing that I would have another anxiety attack once he said something about those…

It took a long moment before I heard his voice again. “I’m sorry,” he uttered too fast yet I still understood it.

Those two simple words pieced together were probably the most difficult for him to pronounce, yet he did. Apologizing twice was more than enough to show his sincerity. “That’s alright. You didn’t know about…”

“Your fear of fireworks?”

I inhaled sharply, fighting hard to push down deep inside my anxiety. “Why did you have to say it?” I said through gritted teeth.

“Oh sh*t. I’m sorry, Faith. I didn’t…water, drink water,” he sounded more panicky than me.

I didn’t know if it was his panic voice I first clearly overheard or his natural way of saying sorry that I found amusing. Nonetheless, I drank my beer, sending burning heat to my stomach that relaxed my shaky nerves. “How did you know?” I asked in curiosity when I calmed down.

“Just a guess. Though I wished I could have figured it out more quickly, then…”

“Forget about it,” I suggested, not wanting to talk about it furthermore. I then forced a yawn, indicating I was already feeling sleepy and needed to rest.

“Um…Faith, I was...” he hesitated, seemingly taking his time to think of the right words to say while I was tapping the bottle of beer on the sofa. “Have a second date with me.” He finally said.

So, that was what’s taking him too long. Usually, he would never hesitate to speak out his thoughts and most often, impose his will over me. He’s acting weird, really weird. “I don’t know,” I answered honestly.

“As I told you, no more showing off.”

“Honestly, I’m so confused why you’re so bent on about this dating thing.”

“I want to prove you wrong.”

“About what?”

“That I’m not an a**hole as you think I am.”

His words kept on surprising me, but I didn’t want myself to get carried away. Who knew what sort of bag of tricks he’s pulling of. “I don’t think you’re this sensitive type of man who would care what everyone thinks or says about you.”

“Yes, everyone, except you.”

For whatever reason, I couldn’t believe him. There’s just something off, something missing I couldn’t put a finger on. But I knew I would, in time. “Okay, I’ll accept your deal.”

“What deal?”

“That we’ll have three more dates and you’ll stop your investigation,” I reminded him. I thought I was the only one forgetful here as I gulped another drink of beer.

“Yeah, yeah, of course.”

“So, when will be our next date?”

“I’ll be flying off to New York later. I’ll be gone for at most a week. When I get back, we’ll have our second date,” he seemed to return to his confident self.

“Just send me a message when it’ll be.”

“I’ll call you,” he corrected.

“Okay,” I said lazily as I emptied the last bottle and leaned my head on the backrest of the sofa.

“Faith, there’s one term of condition I intend to add to our deal.”

Oh, great. Looked like he’s about to impose on something. “What is it?”

“You’re not allowed to see any man, especially Howard.”

I didn’t see that coming. But after Howard and I… bid our last… I didn’t think it would be difficult to fulfill such condition. Nonetheless, I didn’t want to give in so easily. “Is that term of condition mutual or one-sided only?”

“If you mean me not seeing Howard, that would be too easy, but to other men, impossible. In fact, I’m going to New York to meet a group of gentlemen, so that’s just on you to follow.” I could only picture him smirking while saying those words.

I sat up straight, invigorated by our argument. “Well, allow me to change a few keywords. "Not seeing any woman or your exes.” I was pretty sure he had a lot of women from the past.

He chuckled. “So, you’re a jealous type. I think you need to work on that. I’m a hot commodity, honey. Wherever I go, women follow,” he bragged proudly, which further irked me.

I sighed in exasperation. He’s now back on his high horse. “I don’t care how many women you will date, just didn’t like how a certain term of condition is only enforced to me. That’s unfair unless we scratch it off,” I kept my voice composed.

Luther was silent for a moment. “If you will not meet Howard, then I’ll not be seeing other women,” he spoke with sincerity.

I didn’t expect he would compromise. I could still remember Sophie’s warning about him being a womanizer. Could it be simply a nasty rumor? But, I didn’t think he’s a guy who would commit unless for a very good reason. What reason could it be? I was itching to find it out. “Okay, I agree.”

No one spoke this time, but it was Luther who broke the silence. “I think you need to rest now.”

“Yeah, have a safe flight. Bye.” I heard him mumble goodbye before I hung up.

Finally, I got to delete those pictures of me and Howard, except for one. It was a close-up shot with us both smiling genuinely. I remembered that was the very first photo taken on my phone because that was the day I bought it. I was staring at it until my eyes felt droopy, and I fell asleep on the sofa while the phone was still in my hand.

This long and exhausting weekend was finally over. Having overdrunk again last night, I was running late for my first class. But we made use of the remaining time in scanning John Milton’s the Lost Paradise. This was a meticulous process of identifying the metrical pattern of a poem. Basically, it’s like marking which syllable was stressed or not, revealing how the poet created rhythm in his or her works.

As I was making my way to the library (I didn’t stay in our department’s office whenever I had free time), Dean Choi approached me. “Professor Smith, how are you?” She asked in her booming voice.

“O-kay,” I replied awkwardly. This was the first time Dean Choi spoke to me outside her office. And if my memory served me right, she never liked me from the very beginning. I remembered she was one of the panel that interviewed me when I applied here, and she gave this comment that I looked like more of a foreigner which students might feel uncomfortable. I honestly thought I would not be hired, but turned out I was wrong. It was then that I found out that she was the Dean of the College of Education.

Motivated to prove her and others to be wrong, I worked hard and showed them that my physical attributes had nothing to do with my passion and dedication to teaching. And in some way, I felt I got the respect I deserved, though that didn’t mean them liking or befriending me.

“Have you gone to your department’s office?” she suddenly asked.

“No,” I answered in confusion.

She laughed loudly in her loud, deep voice. “Then you should go. You’d be delighted.”

As much as I wanted to argue with her, I decided to just follow her order since she was my superior and arguably one of the best professors we had here.

When I got to our office, everything was the same except for the lingering floral scent. As my eyes searched for my table situated on the farthest corner near the comfort room, my eyes widened in surprise.

As I neared my table, the overflowing scent of roses filled my nostril that made me cringe involuntarily. Occupying all the space on my table were five vases of roses, each one having a different color. I saw a card sticking to the middle vase. I snatched it and read: Roses for you Faith, LRM.

I bit my lip to prevent myself from cursing out loud. Feeling as though being watched, I looked around, and a few professors who most likely didn’t have a class like me quickly glanced away. I marched out of the office in frustration and might have closed the door more forcefully than I intended to.

Outside the building, I found a bench with a table where no students were visibly close. When I sat down, I searched for my phone inside my bag and called Luther, untroubled with the idea that he might be doing important. Yet, he answered my call.

“Did you get the roses?” he asked in a slightly anxious voice.

“Why did you send those roses to the school? Do I look like some pathetic girl who would melt down or jump in delight just because some random guy gives me flowers?” I asked in a low, cold voice.

His long silence further flared my irritation. “I want you to take those infernal—.”

“If I send it to your apartment, will you accept it?”

His question did make me think for a while. I still would not and more likely, return it to him. Obviously, he’s showing off again not only to me but to the entire campus, to my workplace. Since some people here were very fond of gossiping, they could easily form wild speculations and spread them in the school.

“I thought you’re done showing off,” I said through gritted teeth while two students passed by and took a quick glance at me.

“I was Faith. Just want to make it up to you,” he explained.

“You’ve already apologized twice,” my voice raised a bit, gaining the attention of a few students that just occupied the bench in front of me. I turned around and ordered in a low voice, “Take those out of my table now.”

“If you don’t like roses, what would you want instead?” he asked, still in a calm voice.

“Nothing,” I hissed.

“Come on, Faith. I’m f*****g trying here, okay. I’ve no idea what you like and don’t. I just picked roses because it’s what most women generally like. And I’ve no idea what f*****g color you prefer, that’s why I’ve chosen five different colors.” Now, he raised his voice, losing his patience.

“I don’t like roses or any flowers. I’d probably appreciate if you send food like hotpot, pizza, or anything I could eat, or… or something that could relieve my terrible headache right now,” I blabbered. I don’t know if it’s out of anger or anxiousness.

He again remained quiet for a moment. “You don’t take breakfast?”

“Of course, I do…sometimes,” I admitted.

“Are you on a diet?”

“No,” I growled, quickly standing up. I might not be as slim as most women here, but I did have curves and I love my body for what it is. “I just don’t have time,” I explained, and I don’t even understand why I was bothering to in the first place.

“Because you always get drunk.”

If only he could see my deadly glare, I was sure he wouldn’t be so bold speaking too casually about my drinking habit. “And did you find that out from your investigation?” I said angrily, emphasizing the last word.

“No, Faith. It’s just that we haven’t met without you being completely sober.”

I’ve recalled the times that we had met, and he might be true except for one. “When you asked me out the first time after you’ve given your speech, I wasn’t—.”

“I could smell alcohol from you that day. And I’m willing to bet that you’re carrying tiny bottles of liquor in your bag now,” he sounded confident.

His words caught me off guard that I abruptly sat down. “I… why are we even talking about it when—.”

“I’m not the one to judge you, Faith,” he spoke seriously, making my heart flutter a bit, no, I’m just angry. “You can drink as much as you can until you get over your coward ex. But after consuming too much alcohol, you need to do something to keep your body healthy.”

It’s been a long time since someone had openly shown concern to me that it made me feel warm inside even though I wasn’t absolutely certain if it was sincere. “I know how to take care of my body.” It was all I could manage to say.

“How about I send you tomorrow something healthy and can relieve your hangover,” he offered.

Thinking I would rather have food on my table rather than some bunch of flowers, I didn’t argue anymore. “Okay.”

“But you need to pick one color of rose.”

“No,” I quickly disagreed.

I heard him heave a deep sigh. “Faith, I spent an hour thinking about how to make it up to you. Can you show even a little appreciation?”

“Okay, I’ll take the yellow rose,” I compromised, my eyes looking down at the grassy ground. “But, make sure that within an hour my table is clear,” I added.

“Yeah, except for one vase.”

I inhaled sharply, fighting hard not to take back my words. “Fine, bye,” I quickly hung up.

While I was getting my bag, I noticed some students exchanging curious stares at me. Now, what’s wrong with them? Disinterested in other people’s business, I walked away and went to the library.

A few minutes of quiet time in the library eased down both my infuriation and uneasiness. Then, I set aside whatever dilemma I had and channeled all my attention to my lessons. Exchanging ideas or debating with my students had brightened my mood, forgetting temporarily whatever I was going through.

After my classes, I stayed a while in the room before going to our office. Thankfully, there were no professors around, they all probably went home. However, when my gaze rested on my table, I couldn’t help but feel irritated. Even though there was only one vase of yellow roses nestling comfortably on my table, it took a great amount of restraint from throwing away those infernal things into the garbage.

I was walking along the hall leading to the building’s exit when I spotted Sophie standing at the corner. Was she waiting for me? And if she did, what did she want? The last time we spoke was at the restaurant, and after that, we became strangers again.

When she noticed me coming over, she approached me. “Can we talk in private, Professor Smith?” Her tone and bearing were calm, implying that she might already plan to talk to me unlike the first one in which she looked tense.

“Sure,” I replied coolly. There were a few students loitering in the hall. The worst thing that I would never allow to happen was for them to see two professors bickering with each other for a personal reason.

Sophie led me to a comfort room not just far away and bolted the door. “I already told you to keep away from Luther Kim. Why won’t you listen to me?” she asked with her forehead creased and thin lips lightly pouting.

I could see through that expression, it was the same expression she put up every time I would do something reckless, and she would be worried and tell me repeatedly to take care of myself. I wanted to comfort her and tell her that I was fine, but my mind reminded me that she had abandoned me the moment I needed her the most.

“Why even bother, Sophie?” I asked indifferently.

“Faith, Luther Kim is a bad guy, a dangerous, bad guy,” panic in her voice was evident. “I know you’re going through a lot, but you shouldn’t get involved with that kind of man. He isn’t like Howard, he’s--.’

“You’re right. He’s not coward like your brother or selfish like you,” I remarked in a most casual way. It finally dawned on me that Sophie’s materialistic obsession put into danger had made her turn her back on me—that was pathetic.

Sophie flinched at my words. It took her a moment before she composed herself. “I’ve already given you a fair warning. My conscience is clear now.” She turned around and was about to leave but the moment she heard me speak, she stopped.

“Conscience? Don’t ever use a word you barely know the true meaning.” I went to face her, and I could see fear in her eyes as though she’s dreading for this moment to come. “You know better than Howard of all the things I’ve gone through. You know I have no one when you both left me. And if you truly have a conscience just what you claim, you could have stayed.” I used all the strength that I had to keep my voice steady and not cracked up.

“Faith… I…” she choked up as tears were brimming in her eyes.

However, her pitiful look only flared up the anger and disappointment I had so long kept inside my heart. “I understand why Howard left me, but I expect more from you. I sincerely hope that you’ll come explaining to me everything and I would have forgiven you. But you didn’t come. You choose to let me drown in my woes and miseries without keeping a hand. You choose to let me suffer alone in complete darkness without offering even a flickering light.”

“Stop it please, Faith, please,” she begged, her tears falling down incessantly.

But my rage cannot be contained not even by her tears. I feared I would burst if I would not spill all these thoughts I’ve longed to tell her. “You’ve hurt me more than Howard did. And for that, I could never forgive you,” I uttered with so much conviction and bitterness. I then left her sobbing miserably.

For the first time after what seemed to be like a century, I felt a bit lighter as though one heavy stone that had been pressing hard on my chest was finally lifted.