The Broken

Chapter 6 MEMORY

Quickly, I covered my ears, yet that cursed booming sound relentlessly echoed. So, I started repeating the word ‘No’ more loudly, hoping my voice would drown out that roaring noise. As soon as I realized it wasn’t working, I knew I needed to flee.

I was about to dash out when a strong arm grabbed me, forcing me to look at him--Luther. His forehead was creased while his eyes widened a bit, I don’t know if it’s out of confusion or concern. Another blasting sound made me jump involuntarily, reminding me of the urgency to escape.

Flailing my arms violently against his grasp was seemingly futile. He’s too strong but I continued to struggle while he was saying something I couldn’t comprehend. My mind was too focused on one thought—run away from here… from him.

“Let me go… let me go,” I was screaming hysterically, totally unmindful of the restaurant’s crew who were probably confused and shocked by my outburst.

His hold suddenly loosened up and I took that chance to get away and sprinted to the door. Couldn’t remember where the elevator was, I just ran and ran with my hands covering my ears until I bumped into someone’s hard chest (probably male) and staggered down.

Everything around me seemed to have become blurry but when I peeked sideways, a door opened. I had to blink twice to make sure it was indeed what I was hoping for. When I was certain it was an elevator (it wasn’t the private elevator we used moments ago), I scrambled towards it.

Even inside here, fireworks continuously and unceasingly resounded like some evil chant calling forth from the deepest grave the ugliest, meanest memory I’ve long buried.

“Don’t,” I gasped out, trying all my might to shut off that memory.

I slowly sank down while my heart was pounding and my breathing quickening in unison with the rhythm of that chant. Fighting hard not to give in, I looked upward with my teeth gritted, but that man’s face appeared on that stupid ceiling. I lowered my head as that unbearably painful memory flashbacked inside my mind.

“Please…don’t…please…” I heard my weak voice begging.

“No, don’t beg.” I didn’t know whose voice was that or where it came from since I was the only one in the elevator. But, it helped me pull my miserable self out of that horrifying scene as I jerked my head sideways.

To prevent that memory from coming back, I started to hit repeatedly my head with my close- fisted hand. I didn’t know how long I was doing it, but when the elevator opened, someone roughly gripped my hand and I saw Luther kneeling down with a contorted face.

“What the hell are you doing?” his voice was seemingly coming from far distant even though he was just beside me.

I couldn’t answer but stared stupidly at him. It was probably my miserable look that he pulled me roughly to him and squeezed me in a bear hug. “It’s over, Faith. The fireworks are gone.” He tried to make his voice soothing.

However, I flinched when our bodies touched so I tried to pull away because having close physical contact with some guy I barely knew was the last thing I needed right now. Yet, his strength was no match from mine. “Let go,” I spoke in ragged breathing.

“What?”

“I said… let go.” My voice was low but firm.

Finally understanding, he released me though his face was clouded with confusion. I tried to stand on my own but since I felt lightheaded, my feet wobbled. Before I could hit the floor, Luther caught me. He helped me lean on the wall while I gripped his shoulder for support.

“Get the car,” I heard him shout not to me but behind him.

That was when I realized a few attendants might have gathered behind him. One by one, they disappeared when they heard Luther’s roaring voice. However, his shouting wasn’t helpful to my situation as it pushed my nerves that were already on the edge of collapsing. I desperately wanted to go home.

“Faith, I can carry you if you want to,” he offered in a gentle voice.

“No… just needed… your support.” I continued to pant since my breathing remained to be rapid and shallow. Neither was my heartbeat relaxing, too.

He grasped my arm and pulled me closer next to him while his hand was on my waist, steadying my stiff body. I endured his foreign touch as we passed through the lobby and exited the hotel. I couldn’t be more grateful upon seeing my car already parked outside.

“I said my car, not hers,” he barked at the valet.

I winced at his shouting. My god! When will he stop shouting? Not wasting any precious time anymore and too determined to get away from him, I stepped forward going to the driver’s seat.

“No, Faith. I’ll drive,” he spoke sternly.

I shook my head. No man had ever driven my own car, not even Howard.

“Stop being stubborn, Faith.” He then dragged me towards the passenger’s seat, pushed me inside, and buckled my seatbelt.

The valet gave him the key and he drove faster. “I’m taking you to the hospital, Faith,” he informed me.

“A-part-ment…my… apart-ment,” I told him with my eyes shut as his fast driving was making me dizzier.

“Why do you have to be…?” He faltered when he probably saw me unbuckle my seatbelt and I lunged forward, clutching tightly the dashboard.

He then slowed down. “Damn it, Faith.” He’s screaming again.

“Can’t… breathe,” I replied with my head bent downward as I was gasping desperately for air while cold sweats damped on my forehead. I closed my mouth and tried to breathe in my nose. I felt my lips too dry. “Wa-ter,” I whispered.

“Faith, you need to calm down. There’s a hospital nearby just…,” he put his hand in my back and tapped it rather forcefully. “Just hang on there. And will you buckle up your damn seatbelt?”

His touch was worsening my situation. “Wa-ter… need…wa-ter.” I spoke more loudly.

He pulled over the car. “I saw a convenience store a while ago. I’ll go get water and stay still.” Then, I heard his feet scramble out of the car and shuffle on the ground.

I leaned over the car’s seat with my eyes still closed and continued to even out my breathing. After just a minute or less than probably, he came back panting. He gave me the bottled water that was already open but as I tried to grab it, my hands were so stiff that I could not even curl my fingers. He tilted the bottled water and slowly poured it in my mouth.

I lightly tapped his shoulder and he was the one who winced this time probably because my hands were cold dead.

“Massage… my hands.” My breathing was slowly becoming steady.

“I… I don’t know how,” he admitted, looking at my stiff hands that seemed to be soaked in freezing water.

“Just press… it gently.” I urged him.

He hesitated at first, but looking at my white-paled face, he took my hands and cursed.

While he was continuously pressing both my hands, I started to feel uneasy once again. This might be a terrible idea. I yanked off my hands and spoke, “Need… some air.”

I opened the door and felt relieved when my feet landed on the ground without tottering as I was feeling less lightheaded. Before I could walk, he was quick enough to block my way.

“Where are you going? Was I doing it wrong?” he asked in a mix of confusion and rage.

“Walk to… calm down,” I replied.

“Are you sure?” His voice finally lowered.

I just nodded and he backed down. As I walked slowly, I inhaled deeply through my nose, held my breath, and exhaled slowly through my mouth. Also, I was shaking my hands while convincing myself that I was safer now. I did those repeatedly as many times as I can while I paced back and forth, letting the air blow my hair along with my worries. Finally, my breathing became even, my heartbeat steady, my body relaxed, and my cold sweats gone.

Damn this anxiety attack. I felt like I was dying, literally dying. Well, that’s what anxiety attack do to you. It played into your mind and made your body feel worst things. If only I did not allow panic to take over and remember more quickly the ways how to deal with it, then I could not have let that man know my weakness.

But why blamed myself? If it weren’t for that show-off, this could have been avoided. I marched angrily towards my car while cursing him in my mind.

“Are you okay now?” he asked with a trace of concern.

I preferred to give him a silent treatment, but then why let him off the hook so easily when I could punish him with my sharp words.

“You know not all women can be impressed by shoving off on their face your billions of money. Men cannot be solely measured by his money or wealth but by his character. And a man like you who worships money as a god and thinks that everything can be bought off by money clearly belongs to the lowest of lowest kind of person. You disgust me, Luther Kim,” I spoke in a low but lethal voice.

My speech rendered the man dumbstruck and frozen. Before I could hurl more hurtful words at him, I climbed onto the driver’s seat and drove away, deserting that asshole in the street.

I squeezed the wheel every time I would feel guilty not for leaving him but for pronouncing those words to him. I might have gotten too far. I shook my head and convinced myself that he deserved it after all that he had put me through this night because of his showing off.

When I got to my apartment, I was shocked to see Howard sitting on my doorstep while his head leaned on the wall. Since I hadn’t seen him for a long time, I just stared at him and felt a surge of calmness.

When he sensed someone’s been watching him and it was me, he jumped up and scratched the back of his head. I quickly ran to him and embraced him. He needed not to say any word, his mere presence was enough, more than enough. I tightened my hug to him, relishing his warmth, his scent, his soft touch that wasn’t foreign but all so familiar to my senses.

“I thought you’re inside, Faith,” I heard him whisper in my ear.

Even his gentle voice was very soothing that I simply moaned in satisfaction. His timing for coming to me was just perfect. I desperately needed him right now after such a terrible experience.

“Faith, it’s late already. Please, go inside now,” he pleaded.

I stared at him and playfully tousled his already messy hair. I missed doing this to him.

“Why not we both get inside.” I suggested.

Without looking at me, he spoke in a very low voice, “I can’t.”

My brow furrowed in confusion. “Then why are you here?”

He did not answer and stared down at the ground.

“Howard.” I called him in a sharp tone, but he did not respond. I tried to move away but he quickly held me firmly.

“Okay, Faith, you win.” His weary eyes finally found mine. “I come here every night to check up on you. I was afraid you...”

“Without any intention of talking to me?” I still asked although I already knew the answer. But, I might be wrong.

“Yes,” he breathed out.

His admittance was like a slap to my face. It did hurt a bit. But I needed to know more and I wanted to hear it straight from him. “You’ve no plan of coming back to me?”

“Faith...” he groaned.

“The truth, Howard.” I said stubbornly.

He took a deep sigh first. “The marriage will proceed as planned.”

I clutched his sleeves as I felt my stomach constricted in pain as though someone had punched me there. The pain was still tolerable, so I continued. “You do know if you… marry her, you’ll lose me… forever,” I stressed out the last word.

His grip tightened on my body, but that hopeless expression on his face didn’t change. “I know,” his voice was inaudible.

A low painful moan escaped my mouth as though I was kicked straight to my face. The pain was becoming unbearable. But, I knew I needed to hear this however heartbreaking this was. It would help me to completely get over him. “So, is this goodbye then, Howard?” His body shuddered involuntarily. “Yes, Faith,” his voice cracked.

That just did it—my heart shattering into pieces once again—and I felt my knees buckle but Howard’s gentle but firm grasp prevented me from falling.

Before I could completely disintegrate right in front of him, I remembered Luther’s words: He’s a coward. And I agreed to him now. I was determined to go through fire and water for this man. I even told him I could walk away from my job even though I love teaching here. I was willing to give up everything I had just to be with him. And yet, he couldn’t do the same.

This man feared more of losing his company over me. He didn’t even have the guts to fight hard with the father of his beloved fiancée. So what if he pulled off his shares even though he’s the major stakeholder. So what if he’s threatening investors or other stakeholders. Clearly, Howard was scared of the possibility of becoming bankrupt and starting over again. And for that, he needed to grow some balls.

As though energized with rage, I shove him off and stood on my own. “Don’t come here again, Howard, not until you learn to man up and fight for what you want,” I told him fiercely, and that made me feel better, a lot better. “I’ll tell the guard not to let you get inside this building again. And just so you know, I can take care of myself well enough.” I turned around and was about to open the door when I heard him speak.

“I’m sorry, Faith,” his voice was etched with pain.

I tightened my grip on the doorknob to control myself from going back into his arms, but I also didn’t want my last words to him to be filled with bitterness and anger. “I… I sincerely wish for your happiness, Howard.” Then, I went inside and bolted the door.

With my almost lifeless feet, I dragged myself towards my room and climbed onto the bed. When my back touched the mattress, it was only I realized how exhausting my body was. I wrapped my arms around my body and tears soon welled up. I permitted myself to cry this time, thinking this would be the last. Besides, I really needed it after what seemed to be a very long and agonizing night.

I couldn’t remember when I dozed off, but I found myself inside a tiny, narrow room where a teenager lay flat on her bed but her eyes were alert, constantly flickering to the door.

*Warning: Contain Violence and Abused Scene*

At the sound of heavy footsteps and loud banging outside, the teenager clutched his blanket tightly as though her life depended on it. When the door burst open, her eyes widened in terror. I wanted to go to her and consoled her with a tight embrace, making her feel a bit safer. But, I was as scared as her.

The man pulled her blanket in one swift motion. The teenager huddled in the corner, her knees on her chest.

“Come here, you piece of sh*t,” the man grumbled.

Her feet were shaking uncontrollably, but the man just grabbed her and pinned her down in just a blink of an eye. She didn’t struggle nor scream at all, but fear was written all over her face.

“Please don’t.” she begged, trying to choke back her tears.

The man, however, smacked her face. “Shut the f**k up,” his voice was strident, sending shivers to my spine.

The teenager quickly quieted down while her face was as pale as mine. The man gingerly took pieces of cloth from his pocket. When the teenager realized it, she started to whimper.

“I promise to be quiet. Just don’t—” her mouth was gagged with that cloth. Then, he put her hands over her head and tied them using another cloth to the headrest.

I desperately wanted to help her, but I remained frozen from where I stood and could only watch helplessly. The man pulled down her shorts along with her underwear while she stayed unmoved below him, her face now was stripped of fear and replaced with a sheer determination. However, mine was sweating with fear, trying to suppress the shivers that ran to my entire body.

The moment his hands slipped inside her thighs, I closed my eyes, unable to watch anymore.

“Don’t.” I screamed as I sat up from the bed. Sweats trickled on my forehead while my heart was beating erratically as though I’d be having a heart attack.

I dashed to the kitchen and drank some water. I knew I’ll be having anxiety attack again. I repeatedly evened out my breathing while telling myself I was free of danger. It took a long time before I could finally calm down. When I felt my throat longed not just for a plain liquid but something bitter and burning. I grabbed a few bottles of beer and went to the living room.

Only if Howard was here, he could have comforted me. I shook my head and told myself I had to move on, for he would only remain to be a beautiful memory from my past. So, I took my phone out and decided to delete our pictures. However, when I opened my phone, I was surprised to see a couple of miscalls and messages. It was from Luther.