Why Don't You Like Me, Mommy?

It was a hot Friday evening and I was at home alone playing with some of my toys waiting for my dad and siblings to come back from the store. But then... "She's home and she's in a bad mood." I thought as I popped my head up at the sound of the gate outside opening and shutting. "She's home early... Oh no..." I think frantically. I straightened my back, and my senses were now heightened. I said a little prayer, "Not tonight, God. Please, not tonight..", under my breath clenching my hands together in prayer. I felt anxious, afraid, and just had this gnawing feeling in my body that something bad was going to happen. "Please, please, please. I promise I'll study harder, just not tonight please..."  I had my mother's footsteps memorized ever since I could remember and I cursed the world at how I was now alone at home with my mom while my siblings were out with our dad. "Ugh. I should've said yes when daddy asked if I wanted to go grocery shopping." "Isabel!" I could hear my mother shout outside my room. I was so scared, thinking of all the things I did today that must have ticked her off and lash out at me. I recounted all of my steps from this morning, to school, to coming home... "Did I do something wrong in school? Did I have a failing mark?" All these thoughts and questions filled my brain and I could feel the darkness loom over me. "ISABEL!" My mother shouted as she opened the door. "I've been f*****g shouting your name, you idiot! Get the hell out of there!", she shouts at me. "You stupid girl. I regret ever having you. Get out! Faster! And when I call you, you better come immediately!" She grabs my ear as she drags me out of the room. I stifle a cry as I know it would only anger her more if I let myself cry in front of her... but I can't help it... I'm just a kid. I'm only 10 years old... My mom rolls her eyes at me, "Oh great, here come the water works. God. you're so dramatic. Can you stop?!" She glares at me as I wipe the hot tears off of my face. "Get me some water." My mom instructs as she sits down at the sofa to turn the TV on. "I've already had a bad day at work, don't make it worse, Isabel." She calls out to me as I walk to the kitchen trying with all my might to hold back my tears. As I pour water into my mom's glass, I hear my the engine of a car revving in the distance, "Yes, they're back!" I think to myself. I immediately felt my nerves ease up and the tension in my shoulders disappear as I hear my father and siblings talking while getting out of the car. "Where the f**k is my water?! Get your ass up here! God, you make everything so hard don't you?" My mom shouts at me, and I panic. The glass topples over and shatters on the floor. "You little s**t!" My mom exclaims as she gets up off the sofa and goes over to me. "Can't you do anything right?!" She pushes me back as I try to gather the broken glass. I stumble to the floor with hot tears in my eyes wanting to say sorry but my fears go the best of me. "Oh, for chrissakes, can you stop crying?!" My mom shouts at me. My father and siblings go into the house and see that I'm crying, "What happened?" My dad asked my mom while looking over to me. "Your stupid daughter broke the glass. The little s**t, now I have to clean this all up. Go to your room!" My mom blares at me. I quickly stood up and ran to the room and daren't come out until I was told to do so. I sit down on the bed my sisters and I share crying and wishing my mom wouldn't come in and that my dad appeases her. I say a silent prayer again, "Please.. Please.. Please Lord. Don't let her come in here..." I say in my head like a chant that I have mastered for years. I was already inside the room for 30 minutes and was starting to relax, until I heard my mother's footsteps outside the door... I sit up and move to the edge of the bed farthest from the door and sit up straight. I wait for what was to come. Inside my head I knew what was going to happen next, but in my heart, there was this hope in me that maybe she was coming in the room to say sorry to me... I tried to reassure myself into thinking that everything would be alright and that she was just having a bad day, "Yes, she was just not in the mood. I should have been more careful..." I thought to myself. The door opened and I looked with hopeful eyes but my mother was still angrier than ever. I looked at her and saw what was in her hand and I felt my whole face go pale. My hands were clammy and cold. She was holding a belt... "No... But it was just an accident... I didn't mean to break the glass. Lord, please. I'm sorry I was clumsy." I wanted so bad to speak but words wouldn't come out of my mouth. "Get over here." My mother tells me as she points toward the side of the bed closest to her. I freeze and couldn't help myself to move... "I said get over here!" She lunges at me and grabs my arm. I wail and cry out and call for my father. "Daddy!!" But I knew no one was going to rescue me. I was screaming and crying and was just so confused at what was going on. "It was an accident... I didn't mean to..." I thought in my head... My mom pushes my to the bed to lay me down face first, and she grabs the belt in her hand, twirls it a couple of times in her hand, and smacks my legs with it. "When I f*****g say to do things right, you do things right!" - one smack "Why the f**k can't you ever do anything right?!" - another smack "I hate having you as a child, you ugly little s**t!" - and another one... As my mother was hitting my legs so fiercely with the belt in her hand, I felt myself dissociate from everything around me... "Why... Why do you hate me so much? What do I have to do? When will this end?" After a couple of minutes of hitting me with the belt, my mother was finally satisfied that she let out all of her anger and stress. She closed the door and left me in the room. She didn't even say anything to me. Not a single word... I sat there in our room feeling alone as I always have. Thinking how no one in this family really loves and cares for me. Thinking and wondering why my mother was this way. So many questions in my head... I sit there thinking of ways to pacify my mother. I sit there thinking how I can escape from this misery. I sit there thinking of ways to disappear. I sit there thinking my family and my mother would be much happier if I never existed. I sit there thinking of ways to die. I was just 10 years old...