Feelings Astray

I am living my life—full of opportunities and surrounded with love from a lot of people. May pagkakataon na nakakapagod dahil sa mga rehearsal‚ nawawalan ng mga salita para makabuo ng kanta‚ napapagod na palaging ngumiti sa camera at makipag-komunikasyon sa mga tao. It was part of my big dream—the dream I have lost years ago. But dreaming does not end here‚ hindi lang ito ang gusto kong mapagtagumpayan. Sa kabila ng pagsubok kong gumawa ng bago‚ at sa pakikipagsalamuha ko sa maraming tao‚ sana hindi mawala ang apoy na nagsisilbing liwanag ko na mangarap pa bukod sa mga bagay na nakamit ko na. “What‘s happening here?” I asked the guards when I woke up in the middle of the night. “Pasensya na po‚ Sir‚ yung bata po kasi nitong nakaraang araw nandito na naman at nagpupumilit na pumasok. Pero tumawag na po ako ng pulis‚ Sir.” Halos magdadalawang linggo na simula nang ipaalam nila sa akin ang pabalik-balik na bata sa labas ng gate. Ngayon ko lamang ito naabutan dahil naging abala ako para sa release ng bago kong kanta. Nilingon ko ang batang tinuturo nila—magkasiklop ang mga kamay nito at nang makita ako ay agad itong tumayo dahilan para maalarma ulit ang mga guwardiya. At first‚ I thought it was the rain that was running on her cheeks but it's not. It was her tears. Hindi pa man lang ako nakapagsasalita ay tuluyan nang bumuhos lalo ang mga luha nito. Nagulat ako sa bigla nitong pagluhod sa harapan ko. “Please‚ Sir... Let my mother live her life too.” paos at garalgal niyang wika. Nalilito ko siyang tiningnan. “You probably don‘t remember nor recognize her but she does. Every little things about you—every memories she had with you...” When the girl reached the hem of my shirt‚ the guards immediately grab her and forced her to stand up. “Parang-awa niyo na po‚ Sir...” nagpupumiglas ito mula sa pagkakahawak ng mga guwardiya sa kaniya. “Ano ba!? Bitawan niyo ako!” Ilang sandali lang ay may tumawag akin‚ "Sir‚ tumawag po ang Mommy niyo. Pumunta raw po kayo sa hospital ngayon." habol-hininga na sabi ni Manang Linda. Nagsimula akong maglakad patungo sa kotse nang walang iniwang salita sa mga naroon. When I arrived at the hospital, my Mom immediately hugged me while tears were streaming down on her cheeks. "What happened, Mom? Are you okay?" "Your brother remembered everything, Kael..." she said while caressing my cheeks. "That's a good news, Mom. Why are you crying?" Hindi siya nakasagot agad, nilingon ko ang kapatid kong nakasakay sa wheel chair habang tinutulak ng mga nurse papunta sa amin. Naalarma kami nang biglang may lumapit sa kaniya at pinagsusuntok ito. Mabilis ko silang dinaluhan. Hinawakan ko ang lalaki at inilayo ito sa kapatid ko. "Call the security—" para akong binuhusan ng makita ko ang mukha ng lalaki. It is as if I am looking at my younger self in the mirror. Agresibo niyang inalis ang hawak ko sa kaniya at humakbang palayo. "Who are these kids, Kael?" "Is that how you greet your brother's biological children, Sir?" Mabilis na nanlaki ang mata ng kapatid ko. Nang makita ko siya ay nasiguro ko nang anak ko siya. Fuck... "Kuya, umuwi na tayo..." pakiusap ng kasama niyang babae—the girl who was outside my house earlier. "Ito ang gusto mo, diba? To tell them about us?!" bumuntong hininga ito nang marahas habang ang kapatid ay naiiyak na umiiling sa kaniya. "To tell them that we are the children of the woman they all sent to jail 17 years ago!" "Please, let's talk about this somewhere private." suhestiyon ni Mom na para bang alam niya na kung saan patungo ang usapang ito. Inutusan niya ang guwardiya naming kasama. I don't really get what's happening right now. All I know is these kids are my children carrying something... beyond anger and pain. "Why, Ma'am? Natatakot ho ba kayo—na ang mga taong kulang na lang ay sambahin kayo ay malaman kung gaano kadumi ang pagkatao ng anak niyo?" Nilingon ko ang kapatid na nakahawak sa sentido niya na imbes maawa ang maramdaman ko, kuryosidad ang naroon. Whille the girl has been looking at me as if she was trying to memorize my face. Pero tuwing nahuhuli ko siya ay agad siyang yumuyuko. "Kuya, please, huwag dito..." "Stop trying to protect these people, Iris!" bulyaw ng kapatid. "Kuya, I am not protecting them but this is not how Mama raised us..." I guess those words from her bring senses to his brother. He chuckled sarcastically and said, "Right...let's all pretend that we are all rational human beings here." he followed the guards who asked for a private room and we followed him. The last one to enter the room was my brother and I was the first one to break the silence, "Kuya, please...tell us everything." "Anak, kababalik lang ng alaala ng Kuya mo. Hindi maganda kung—" "I don't care, Mom! I just want to hear the truth from him!" My voice roared in the room. I don't even know where all of this is coming from. But after seeing the pain on the children's faces earlier... "Kuya, please..." "Y-You... tried to r-r**e our mother." every word she said feels like a dagger that has stabbed my chest. There, I noticed how inevitable her tears were. I felt it too, I felt almost everything. I stumble on the ground. As if it was the words I never wish nor did I expected. "Why? Why didn't you believe her, Sir?" It was a question for me. When I looked up, she had her eyes on me already. "I...I didn't know..." I sobbed. "Of course you wouldn't know because you didn't even try to understand and give her time to explain." mabibigat ang pagkakasabi ng mga salitang 'yon na para bang matagal niya na 'yong tinandaan. "That was also the time when I...found out that h-her father k-killed mine." hirap kong sabi. "But does my mother have to carry the burden she never wished to happen!?" she yelled. "Sir...do we need to suffer too?" napaupo na rin siya sa harapan ko. Nanatiling nasa akin ang paningin niya at hindi ko magawang iiwas ang mata ko. Dahil sa pagkakataong ito, I want to see everything using my eyes. To hear every word from them. Things that I should have done 17 years ago. "Sir...I lied to my mother in order to reach you. Isinawalang-bahala ko kung malamig, maulan, o mainit, para lang makita ka." She caressed her own hands and looked at them occasionally. Her voice is unsteady and heavy, "That was my only resort." She smiled at me as her tears fell down and as if it was not painful. She then looks at her brother who's still watching us. "I'm sorry, Kuya, kung tumakas ako—kung hindi ko sinabi sayo. But I only did that because...I am scared that we might l-lose her anytime..." she struggles to say the last words. I badly wanna hug her and assure her that it will be okay. But who am I to say those words when I let them feel like I abandoned them? "O-Okay lang kung minsan wala kaming makain, kung kailangan naming maglakad ng napakalayo para lang makapasok sa school. Okay lang kung wala kaming t-tatay tuwing Family day." she chuckled as she says those last words and cleared the lump in her throat before looking at me sadly. "Pero yung wala si Mama? Hindi ko kaya...Sir, hindi ko k-kaya 'pag wala si Mama." she hugged her knees and cried on them. Lumapit ang kapatid nito para daluhan ang kapatid ng yakap. While I wasn't ready for what he said afterwards, "Our mother is suicidal..." He didn't let me say any words. "A lot of people complimented me for having this face...but this is the face I wished I never had—so I don't have to hide my face from my Mom every time she's hurting. She didn't hide the truth about who you are in our lives, but she hide herself from the world—even from us..." Those words made me pinned down on my feet—crying helplessly. I didn't know what words to employ my feelings right now. "I'm sorry..." The room filled with sobs. He then help her sister stand up. "I hope we reach the heart of the person out mother once loved. Because according to her...you are not evil, Sir." - love‚ rishivelle ♡