If Only.....

I'm Tessa. I was raised in a non deniminational household. Which meant church every time the doors were open and you were definitely going to hell if you thought about putting on a pair of pants. I didn't even own a pair of pants until my 18th birthday. It was a do as I say not as I do kinda household. All the girls thought I was weird. It didn't help that not only did I have to wear dresses to my ankles. But, I also couldn't cut my hair, or Lord forbid wear make up. And because daddy spent all our money on pills and women, my dresses were no where near in style. I wasn't the fashionable best friend material I guess. The boys treated me as if I was one of them. My dresses didn't show any skin. No chance in hell any of them were going to look at my body in the latest Goodwill dress from the 70s and think she is hot. So they protected me and treated me like a sister. I was off limits to all of them. In fact, I had actually walked into the house and heard Roman telling all the guys this very thing. I'm surrounded by people but I'm so lonely. Behind closed doors I see my curves and think if they only knew. If they only knew the impure thoughts. The way I touch myself and ache for any one of them to look at me with fire in their eyes and think dirty thoughts about me. I may have thought about Roman a time or two in this very manner. I'm 19 now and work in the local casino.Ive got a pair of jeans on that look like they have been painted on and are near cutting off my circulation. Boys and men alike stare and make obscene gestures. But none of them do it for me. I swear everyone in this small Georgia town has lived here since birth. Everybody knows everybody. And thats probably the only reason my daddy hasnt dragged me out of here by my hair. Because he knows some crazy busy body Karen will tell him every detail. Heck, one of them is probably in the back giving him a play by play of my every move right now. My current boyfriend Johnny is just happy to have a girlfriend. And is currently in the back of the casino where my boss has set up some pool tables for us youngins who need a place to hang out and stay out of trouble. I really think it doesn't matter that its me or anyone who looks looks half decent. Just so long as he can say he has a girl. And I'm so desperate for someone to notice me. So I didn't think twice last night when I gave my virginity to his cousin Jack after closing hours in the backseat of my jeep. It was awful. I swear it didn't last a minute. There were no fireworks and not one dang orgasm to be found.He didn't even look me in the eye or act like he enjoyed being with me. So I asked him to get out of the jeep and didn't even care if Johnny found out. So I sat there all night and cried myself to sleep. What is wrong with me? He was my friend. I love him and I don't want to hurt him. But I've went my whole life without love. Without that fire that makes your stomach flutter and a need to change your panties. I want that so bad. But, now looking towards the back of the casino I see his cousin Jack whispering in Johnny's ear and I have the sudden need to run to him. Tell him I'm sorry. I don't care if he breaks up with me. I just can't stand knowing he's mad at me. I know. I know I'm selfish. But he was my friend long before he ever kissed me. He never even asked me to be his. We just started hanging out one night and never stopped. Heck, I work here! Are we even dating? Did I really need someone to love so bad that I invented the whole relationship in my head? But if looks could kill. I think Johnny just assumed the same thing I did. That we were a couple by default. I take a deep breath, hold my head up high, boobs out, and try to walk as sexy as I can in these jeans. I put my arm through his just as he finishes his shot. He turns and grabs me and screams, "are your freaking kidding me, Tessa"? He knows. "I'm so sorry Johnny!" I yell back at him. "It didn't mean anything! You didn't want to touch me! I've been in your lap in the front seat of your dodge every night for months begging you to want me! Begging you to kiss me. Begging for your love! I'm so sorry Johnny" I sob. This isn't me. When did I become that girl? I could and never would hurt a fly. Heck, I'm scared of them! "Please believe me Johnny", I beg as I grab his arm as he trys to walk away. I don't know what I'm begging for. I don't want to keep dating him. But. I don't want to hurt him either. And I hate myself for the hurt I see in his eyes. Just as my back hits hard against the wall. Did he push me? I feel so sick. What is wrong with me? I think again. When I hear the sexiest voice I've ever heard say "Don't man! She said she was sorry. Don't your dare hit her. She's a woman man" Now his voice is almost a whisper and I didn't realize they were so close . I'm looking down at Johnny's old worn out work boots I'd know anywhere and another pair I've never seen. I look up and gasp. Another man I've never seen is holding Jeremy fist in the air. Not only because Johnny was hurt and mad enough to raise his fist to actually hit me. But because I'm staring into eyes I could get lost in. A shade of green like I've never seen. He stares at me with pity. But there's something else. Something I can't read. I hear his buddies call him Frankie. And he walks toward them and away from us. Just as I push off the wall. Because my feet are moving on their own accord. My body not under my control anymore. Someone grabs my shoulders and my friend Roman says " Come on Tessa. Let's get you clocked out and call it a night. I'll take you home" "Thanks, Roman" I let him lead me to the front desk and grab my things. But not before I look back and my eyes search for that handsome stranger. He's nowhere to be seen. And again I ask myself the same question. What is wrong with me? I'm acting so out of character. I don't hurt people. I don't save my virginity for my future husband only to give it to some jerk in the back of a casino. Not even in a bed for goodness sake! For what my hormones? My new found independence? Is it the jeans? Did I lose my mind when I lost the dresses? "Nothing is wrong with you Tessa" Roman scares me out of my thoughts. I'm about to pull my hair out. "You had a moment of weakness. I know you" "Did I really just say all of that out loud?" I'm so mortified. Maybe I am going crazy. Roman starts the truck and I look out the window as we start towards the main road. A cherry red crotch rocket thingy. You know the racing motorcycle things pulls up beside us. And sitting on it is none other than the sexy stranger who saved me from having my face pummeled by Johnny is there watching as we drive away. "Frankie" I whisper liking how the name just rolls off my tongue. "What?" Roman asks Realizing I'm talking out loud again and most likely going insane I just look at him and give him a faint smile. "Thank you for the ride home Roman. And for getting me out of there. He just stares at the road ahead of us and he takes me home. I give him a brotherly kiss on the cheek as we pull into my drive and I jump down out of this lifted monstrosity and try not to slam the door. All the lights are out and by some miracle my dad doesn't stop me to ask me twenty questions before I run upstairs to my room. I quickly grab my phone from my bag and send a quick text to my best friend Serena. I need you. And within seconds I get a reply that she's on her way and I'm sneaking up the drive to meet her to tell her just how insane I've actually become! Im sad. Im lost. I dont know what to think or how to feel. Maybe she will be my voice of reason. Lord knows I'm not thinking straight on my own anymore.