The Echo of My Anger: The Line Between Hatred and Desire for Him

PROLOGUE Lucas Grant stared at him with eyes as cold as ice, and each time he met his gaze, he could have sworn he was being cut by a blade. The blue, which had reminded him of the summer skies, now bore a cold fire and was full of disgust and loathing. It was the type of glance that informed him that he was nothing, a blemish in the life of a person who used to be his friend. "Freak." It came out of the mouth of Lucas, and it was a quiet yet biting word, a piece of poison bent on stinging all the more by its simplicity. Adrian narrowed his throat and made his voice seem smooth. "What did I do this time, Lucas?" Lucas's frown deepened. He pushed Adrian's shoulder into the locker lines, the noise resounding along the empty passage. Some of the students slowed down, and their inquisitive eyes gawked at one another. None of them spoke. None of them helped. They were nearby, amused at the sight and anxious to know what would be the next move on the part of Lucas and his friends. It never failed. Brian came forward, with a smug, eager smile, like a hyena that sees a scrap. No one loved these moments as he did. Allen and James were just behind him, never averse to doing as Lucas pleased. "What you did—I'll tell you what you did—spit near your shoes," Brian sneered. I have seen you peeping in the locker room. Staring at us. And you can lie about this being the first time; it was not. You're a f*****g pervert." Adrian spat out, but his chest notched with the hold of Lucas. You praise yourselves so much. There was not much to stare at. The words were more in the nature of a reproach than he had meant, and he would not have allowed them to have noticed his terror. Lucas's jaw clenched. The darkening of his eyes, the rising storm of tempest in them. His breath was hot on the cheek of Adrian as he leaned closer. "Don't give me that bullshit. I've seen the way you look at me. This applies to all of us. I've had enough." The worst of this was that he was correct. Adrian had looked. However, his gaze was not directed towards them. Only at Lucas. Always at Lucas's. Adrian had had to wear his attraction to him in the same way as gravity since middle school. Even at that time Lucas had been hitting, but in high school he was no longer the boy that Adrian played with in backyards. He was no longer what he used to be—taller and stronger and sharper. His physique was hacked with labor and care, his jawline was clean, and his skin was tanned by football training. And those were the eyes—the eyes were an entrapment of which Adrian could not get rid, however painful they might be to him now. It had not always been so. At one time they had been inseparable. Their mothers were best friends, and consequently Lucas and Adrian were raised together. The summer was full of bruised knees, secrets, and laughter that reverberated in fields. Adrian had thought there was that bond. He believed that it was going to be permanent. But the end of it came the instant Lucas grew in favor. He went up easily—football team, all the girls at school interested in him, a magnet that drew people to his side. And Adrian? He was still the skinny and pale boy nobody took notice of until the friends of Lucas needed a joke. Adrian had believed that he was not showing his emotions and was covering them with false smiles and stolen looks. But someone noticed. And when his friends found out about it, Lucas made it into ammunition. That is the way Adrian got to be their favorite punching bag. Lucas flinched now as the hand he had pressed on the locker beside his head. "Are you listening to me?" Lucas's voice was sharp. He bumped his knuckles against Adrian's forehead. "Anyone home?" Adrian licked his lips, and his heart beat in his chest. Before he could restrain himself, his lips parted. "So what if I was staring? I've always liked you. And I'm not ashamed of that." The hallway seemed to freeze. The words hung in the air, thick and heavy. Lucas blinked for His features flushed in a flash of surprise, which was smothered in time but was detected by Adrian. His hand dropped a little, almost as though the confession had stabbed him through his armor. "You like me?" Lucas inquired, sounding more accusatory than curious. "Yes," Adrian whispered. I never told you to feel the same. I never tried to force you. So why do this? Why hurt me?" Brian barked a laugh. "Oh, this is gold. Lucas, did you hear that? He has just admitted to you that he has a crush on you. James went nearer with a smile. "Why don't you kiss him, Lucas? Make his little fantasy come true. Laughter joined in, the cruel, sharp laugh of Allen. The hand of Lucas shot up and circled around the throat of Adrian. His fingers were biting into his breath. The expression on his face was indescribable and could have been furious with something or a combination of feelings of which Adrian could not have been quite sure. "Say you not, say you not," Lucas growled, and his voice shook low. "Say you made a mistake, and I shall release you. Adrian found his chest burning. She tried to breathe, and he stood his ground. How his mind cried to him to swallow down what was true and to spare himself. But his heart—dumb, obstinate, sore—denied. "I like you," he croaked, and his voice shook, but he was clear. I liked you when we were children. I cannot help it every time you are near. I want you to kiss me, only once. Lucas lost his hold; his eyes opened. A flutter of gentleness came in them, a savory, submerged thing. But again with a cruel and mocking voice came James. "Did you hear that? He is in love with you, Lucas. How sweet. Why don't you two hold hands, too? More laughter broke out in the hall. Lucas clenched his jaw and pulled his hand tighter around the throat of Adrian. His eyes hardened like steel. "I am not gay," he snarled, then briefly turned away to look at his friends before glaring back into Adrian's tear-filled eyes. "One last chance. Take it back. Curse you; you will never see me again. Stay away from me." Adrian's lungs burned. His vision blurred. And yet he smiled in the pain. The words came pouring out like a curse and sealed his destiny. "I still like you. And nothing you do can change that. It was the last thing he could say before Lucas's fist smashed into him. He burst with pain. The world spun. Then a darkness does swallow him up. Sterile white lights bathed Adrian when he opened his eyes again. Every shallow breath came with pain in his ribs, and the bandages about his nose throbbed. Every part of his body objected when he tried to move. It was not only the injuries that pulled him down. It was the saddened pang in his chest. The type the physician could not cure. Lucas had broken him. Not just his nose. Not just his ribs. He had broken his heart in pieces, which could never be put together. Parents of Adrian did not ask any questions. They observed their son's condition and made their decision. They died within a few weeks, leaving the town in their wake. Adrian didn't protest. He welcomed the escape. Lucas Grant had successfully arranged for Adrian to leave. His affection became hate, the hate that was more incurable than a wound. Adrian vowed to himself never to allow Lucas anywhere near him so that he does not hurt him again. However, fate had its own tragic timing. One day, unexpectedly, Adrian encountered Lucas again, and he was able to confront him. A question, sharp and piercing like daggers in the back of his mind, arose as their eyes met. Does Lucas Grant ruin him a second time, or was this but the commencement of a far graver evil?