Inside a Nerd's Mind

A Trance of Paralysis

I woke up at almost 2 in the early morning. It was four hours before I need to get up and get ready for school. I drank a lot of liquor and water yesterday night, I needed to excrete my bowels or maybe pee. Wow, this is a weird thing to say.

What’s lucky is that I don’t feel groggy and I definitely don’t feel sleepy.

“f**k!” I blurted to myself. I need to convince myself to feel sleepy so that my body would go to sleep. What a weird cycle that is! Why are humans built this way? Why do humans sleep anyway? Can’t I just eat, drink, and poop? I’m just kidding. What a way to pass the time.

I have read a post on the internet talking about sleep cycles, specifically NREM/REM sleep. It says that NREM sleep comes first before REM sleep and that there are stages involved in both NREM and REM sleep. I do not remember much detail but I remember that REM sleep is the stage where intense dreams can happen. It is also where the muscles of the body undergo paralysis. Have you ever had any sleep paralysis? I had. It was after I dreamt about a big scary pink teddy bear chasing me throughout my house. But that’s a story for another time.

After that dream, I woke up. I can open my eyes. I can move my eyelids. But I can’t move my body. I can’t even feel my own body. I can’t feel my arms. I can’t feel my legs. It’s just – not there. I can feel my heart though. It is heavy. I feel heavy. I feel like I am sinking into my bed. I feel like a black hole just spawned behind me, under my bend, while I was sleeping. I feel like I am lying on quicksand slowly sinking and sinking to my inevitable doom.

But then, here it is, the crazy part. At the corner of my eye, the only part of my body moving, I see a shadowy figure at the corner of the room.

It is all a blur. I can’t clearly see it.

I can’t understand its figure or what it is supposed to be.

I can see darkness.

It was so close that the figure could essentially kill me.

I tried to scream.

But I can't.

I looked around.

And just before I thought things couldn't get worse.

The figure took a step forward.

My heart raced like never before.

I felt - I felt - eerie.

I felt - Death. Coldness. Darkness. Desolation. Inevitable Doom. A Void in my Heart. The Demise of My Dreams.

I soon got sucked into the black hole that is my bed.

It was like falling out of the sky except there was no sky.

There was nothing at all.

I can’t even see my own self.

Everything was dark. It was pitch black. There was no light.

And BOOM!

A big bang.

Suddenly, the dark was filled with twinkling lights and vibrant colors.

At the center was a hole.

A giant hole.

It was not black nor dark.

This time, it was of a light color. Technically, it was somewhat white.

I was sucked into the hole and sprung into the air.

I was in a familiar place that I didn’t recognize at first.

I was inside my room.

I was shocked as I realized I was hovering over my own bed.

I have no figure. I have no matter. I can just – see.

I looked over my bed and I can see my own self. My own physical form, my body – just there, lying on my bed.

It was weird seeing my body in a third-person perspective.

I couldn’t understand it.

After all, the only time I have ever seen myself is through photos and a mirror.

But this time, I can literally see my body like I was another person.

“Wow, is this how I really look like?” I chuckled. “I really need to work out and put some moisturizer here.” I said to myself whilst pointing in a rugged spot in my face.

What would you do if you see your body outside of your own? Will you have a revelation? Would you change anything? Will this circumstance dictate your actions for the rest of your life? Or will nothing change?

There are articles on the Internet on where astronauts change their whole life perspective when they see Earth from the outside for the first time. It was dubbed as the “overview effect”. Buzz Aldrin described Earth as “a brilliant jewel in the black velvet sky”. It is somewhat though that they get the sense of understanding the big picture that every life on Earth is connected and united to one purpose. Many say they no longer identify with a specific nationality or culture after seeing earth from outer space, instead they see themselves, and all citizens on earth, as one people, living in one world. It is like you can hold 510.1 million km2 of the planet’s surface area in your hands, like you can touch it, reach for it, and that you can feel it.

Close your eyes and imagine yourself in space, gazing at Earth. Imagine its blooming meadows filled with yellow, pink, and white flowers, the breathtaking view of the valley at the top of the green tree-filled mountains, the brisk and freshness of the air of the forest, the captivating clouds sliding over the blue bright sky, the sun when it sets over the sea and its orange light hits the waves in a dazzling way, and the pristine white snow falling from the sky sinking your feet every step of the way in winter. Be overwhelmed by its fragility and awed by the unity of life in this blue planet. Think of how every life on Earth has its own purpose and place in nature. How every human, animal, and plant is connected through the roots in the ground and the waves of the ocean.

Will you be flooded with both emotion and awareness or will you feel the same?

Ponder over this. You are part of planet Earth; Earth is part of the Solar System which also includes 7 other planets with the Sun at the center. The Solar System is located in the Orion Arm which is one of the spiral arms of the Milky Way Galaxy. The Milky Way Galaxy is the second-largest galaxy in the Local Group. The Local Group is the smaller group of galaxies within the Virgo Supercluster. The Virgo Supercluster which contains the Milky Way and the Andromeda galaxies is one of the about 10 million superclusters in the observable universe and part of the Laniakea Supercluster. The Laniakea Supercluster is a constituent part of the Pisces-Cetus Supercluster Complex which is a galaxy filament. And a galaxy filament is the largest known structure in the observable and expanding universe.

With almost 8 billion living people on the planet, you are basically a speck of dot in Earth and Earth is basically a speck of dot in this vast universe. In other words, you are a speck of dot in a speck of dot. Then that would only mean that whatever issue or problem you are facing now is basically just a speck of dot inside a speck of dot inside a speck of dot. You shouldn’t let this problem overpower you like it’s the devourer of the whole universe. Whatever you are encountering now is smaller than you. So, it’s your turn to overcome it. Use your powers as the masters of the speck of dust in the universe and channel it inside you. You only have one life and a problem is not worth destroying a lifetime. After all, you have the universe yet to explore.

While I was undergoing this trance of the mind, laughing and admiring the beauty of my body, I felt a breeze beside me. The surroundings immediately became cold and darker. I felt like something was wrong or that someone was coming.

And oh boy! I was in for a surprise. I wish I was wrong but –

There it was, still at the corner of the room.

The shadowy figure, slowly walking towards my soulless body.

As it became nearer and nearer, the figure is becoming clear.

It’s a He. It’s a person, a human, a human male person.

He was wearing a black shirt and black jeans.

His figure is definitely human but his face, he has no face.

There is a head but without eyes, nose, ears, and mouth. He’s basically like Slenderman.

He sat on the bed.

He held my hand.

Afterward, he held my face.

Who could this person be? Why is he in my room? And most importantly, why is he holding me?

Could this be a person from my past? Did I do something wrong towards him? Or did I do something for him that he decided to visit me? Does he have anything to do with me? Are we even related or is this a random person that decided to touch me? Maybe a burglar or a homewrecker?

Could this be a person from my future? A person that I have yet to meet? A person that I have yet to share some kind of experience with? Maybe this person is my long-lost uncle who went to California to live in the woods?

What if this person is me? An older and adult version of me. Am I here to deliver some kind of message to the younger me? Am I dying?

No, No, No, this couldn’t be.

I still have to live my life.

I have years and years and years ahead of me.

Agh!

I shouldn’t get ahead of myself.

This is the moment that really spooked me.

He started saying words. I mean, he started saying words like in a poem.

He said

“Come and rest my dear child.”

“Listen only to the sound of my voice.”

I was taken aback. That first line was familiar. WHERE DID I HEAR THAT BEFORE?

I was thinking and thinking and thinking.

Until the moon’s rays became visible as the clouds in the skies separated.

The room was filled with the moon’s light and the shadowy man gone.

I was looking at the moon, staring for a long time.

When-