Inside a Nerd's Mind

Oh, What a Night!

 It was a quiet and cold night. It’s rare to encounter these nights anymore. That’s why I and Zach decided to climb up the rooftop carrying only a few bottles of beer and our phones. I grabbed my phone and queued my oldies playlist. The first song that played was Your Love by The Outfield. I was thrilled because the song was perfect for the occasion. We just spent the night listening to music, drinking a few bottles, and talking when he immediately said this.

“I want to be in love again,” Zachary said cheerlessly.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because being in love is the only way I can take a break from it all.”

I was taken away by what Zachary just said. After all, I knew him to be the guy to not be hung up on relationships but rather to focus on his own career. You see, Zachary is a pragmatist which means he relies on sound logic rather than an unsubstantiated theory. He doesn’t always play by the rules to get what he wants as long as he thinks the outcome is for the benefit of all. His life motto? Exitus acta probat. He said it was George Washington’s motto which basically means that the end justifies the means. But how about you? Do you think the end should always justify the means? Or do you think the end is only justified through proper means?

“So you’re willing to love a girl just to distract yourself? Isn’t that ruthless?” I said.

“Ruthless?” He snickered. “Everyone wants to escape this world. We just have different means. Others take the cowardly way out which doesn’t really help anyone else.”

“I guarantee you, there’s at least one girl on this planet that would want to be in a relationship because her life is already hurting.” Zachary added proudly.

We may agree on a lot of things but his views on relationships are just distasteful.

 I was silent the whole time he said that. I don’t have that much pride and confidence to answer Zachary. I actually look up to him because he’s smarter and better than me in every way. So, I just nodded my head in reply.

“Hey Ethan” he said with care in his voice. “Cheer up. I was just joking.” He added while laughing.

“Yes, Zach. I know. And I know that you know that I just prefer the traditional way.” I said with hesitation.

I have always been a fan of dating to marry. I believe that the traditional way of courting a woman is the way to truly experience what it is like to be genuinely loved. The emotion that you feel when you’ve successfully courted the love of your life after months and months of time and effort is just… How can I say this? Out of this world. The triumphant feeling that you receive after battling into several bloodless wars with honorable and competent rivals is worth every step of the way. But I guess these are just mere words. I’m not even a man that’s vocal or confident in myself.

“You mean with all the courtship and stuff?” He laughed. “I respect you Ethan but you don’t really strike me as a man who would approach a girl.” He jokingly said.

I didn’t say anything because he’s right about me. People have different approaches when it comes to solving their issues or progressing especially in a case like relationships. I’m just not the guy that would do the first move. I’m afraid of rejection. I’m afraid of the judgement that I will receive either from the girl or the people around me. That’s why I don’t take risks. I’m happy to just do where I am comfortable with.

“I know you prefer spending your nights playing video games inside your room. But come on! You have to live your life!” He said in an exciting manner. “I’ve personally invited you to go outside with Jeremy and Kim and also a few other friends. I tried to make an effort and help you get over your social anxiety but I can’t help you if you don’t want to be helped.” Zachary stated.

I can’t think of a reply. My social anxiety is kicking in. I’m sweating. I can hear my heart beating fast, syncing with the ambulance siren that just drove by. And this alcohol isn’t helping in making my head right.

I took a deep breath and tried to respond.

Luckily, Zachary replied immediately. “But, I respect you, as a friend, on what you want to do.” He said slowly and sincerely. “I can’t force people to do the things they don’t want and I can’t certainly change your mindset for you. I like you being my friend. I’m not ashamed you’re my friend. The real shame is on those people that force their own ideas and lifestyles to you. The people that sucks idiotic propaganda and tries to spoonfeed you every useless and baseless information that they have.” Zachary said proudly and with heart.

“Thank you, Zach.” I said sincerely. “I – I – I don’t know what to say.” I stuttered.

This was one of the times that I was touched by what Zachary had to say. He’s not really the kind of guy that would complement you or give you affirmation. He’d rather spend all his time solving the problem itself instead of wasting it on a heart-to-heart talk that would accomplish almost nothing. However, on this night, it’s like I am with a different Zachary.

He gazed at me with concern and added “Hey, don’t sweat it. That’s why we have these kinds of nights; to just chill and talk it out. But you know, I’ve always preferred men and women both exerting effort in the relationship. It’s a two-way street and it assures each of them.”

There was a short pause after that. I was thinking about what he said. He does have a point. I don’t know whether my views on relationships would change or if I can even improve confidence in myself. Perhaps it’s because I watch too many romantic movies, it feeds me all of these ideas that I can never apply in my real life.

We just looked up and watched the stars twinkle in the sky while feeling the cold breeze of the night. I asked myself what time it could be. I was about to look at my watch when he suddenly said something.

“This reminded me of that specific poem. Uhhm. Do you know the poem The Egg by Andy Weihr?” Zachary asked.

“Uhhm…. No?” I said confusingly. “Is it a poem about how an egg is anxious to grow in the beginning but will slowly choose to reveal itself when it already wants it to?” I sarcastically said.

“Actually, it sort of is.” He said, astonished. “But, it’s just propaganda to make us be nice to each other.”

“Huh?” I replied. “What is it about then?” I added.

“It’s about you being me and me being you.” Zachary chuckled.

“What?” I said confusingly.

Zachary told me the entirety of the poem. I’m actually amazed at how he knows this stuff or how he managed to memorize it word by word. I had mixed emotions when he was narrating the poem. At first, I was confused just as the character in the poem is. I didn’t know how the author wanted to phrase the whole poem. But I was surprised at how the poem ended. It wasn’t what you expected by the title but I realized what it wanted us to understand.

The gist of the poem is that the universe was made for us to grow; that each and everyone here on Earth throughout the history of time is - us. Every person you’ve ever interacted with, whether positive or negative, is yourself. Every life that we’ve had and will have is for us to mature; gain knowledge and increase our experiences. I pondered on this for a while. 

I looked at the glistening moon which served as our only light in the murky darkness. I was astounded at how beautiful it looked. I can feel my insides shiver, my body opening up and my heart reaching for the skies like it was longing for me. We don’t always take the time to appreciate the things around us. But we should, as sometimes these things can just go in a snap.

“The moral of the poem is similar to the golden rule, isn’t it?” Zachary asked.

“Oh yeah! You’re right.” I was amazed.

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. Every time you victimized someone, you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself.” Zachary explained.

“So, if I decided to get into a relationship and kiss a girl, would I actually be kissing myself?” I asked sarcastically with a grin.

“Ewww! That’s disgusting. Don’t ever bring that up again. You’re ruining the moral of the story.” Zach cackled.

Midnight is almost approaching. We’ve been drinking for at least 5 hours now – or is it already 7 hours? Blah! I can’t remember. My head already hurts and my world is spinning around like I’m on some sort of roller coaster. I should probably get some sleep.

The last song that played was December, 1963 by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. The song talked about a guy remembering the special night where he met a girl. The night was so special that he didn’t even remember the name of the girl. I chuckled in my mind at the idea that I’m also having one of those nights. No, not because I am attracted to Zachary. Don’t fathom the unimaginable. But because we rarely have those nights that we can just be ourselves without all the fake s**t and without even thinking of a single problem. It’s a night where we can just be happy, joyful, optimistic, blissful - you can name all the positive adjectives that you want. It’s nights like these that I just want to remember and play over again and again in my dreams especially with those who you love the most. Oh, why can’t life be just all positive! 

How about you? When was the last time you had nights like these?